Thoughts from Monday...

So I was thinking (today) yes it happens from time to time, about Monday. I had hoped that I would get home that night and would be able to cry … but my hopes were wrong. Still haven’t been able to Cry. Oh how I wish I could find away to make it all just come out. My tear ducks seem welded shut – it sucks

I have also noticed how gentle this is going –(not that that is bad because it is not) I am just not used dealing with things in my life softly – for me it always has been a swift knock to the head – look learn to deal or shut up and quit being a baby! This is nowhere near that … maybe now that I think about it is why I find the military so interesting – ya OK blowing crap up is cool – the discipline is well respected – but when it all starts off – when they yell at you to do something- they want you- nay expect you to yell back at them ! – And if that doesn’t happen you get your head handed too you on a silver platter! That I find comfort in….

I guess what I am saying here is this I am learning to except and be ok with the fact that people like and care for my welling being and sanity and although I seem to learn quicker if I am backed into a corner – or receive good verbal ( not abusive) back hand to the head.

The idea I need to get passed is that as much as I would love to deal with all of my crap loud and quick … (apparently so I am beginning to see doesn’t work the greatest) But if I truly want to be rid of the crap that seems to continually have a death grip on me – I will have to go slow and gentle – stitching and learning from old wounds that never have truly healed …

I hope with help I can do it this time – leaving this idea –of all the negative I think and see about me.

All I want - all I have ever wanted is to truly say yes I free - but at the moment - I am not – and to say that I am would be a lie ..

new experences and old ones come back again....

Christmas was awesome ! in fact it was the first Christmas I have neather walked on aggshells for nor had to be fake to apease thoughs around me. It was a different Christmas but with famliy non the less.

It also however was an oppertunity to open up a part of me that I thought never again would I open. Inside i was content (or thought I was ) with the hell that had reaged up inside of me. In a conversation - this cane to light and after realuizing - I mey not be alone this time - I am baganing to take done the wall I have put up - In the past i thought I could handle it myself - now I know I can't.

This is not an issue - I am able to sweep away - I need to talk I need to write - and not be petrifide of asking for help

I have meny scars that will never go away I am learning that I have to move past them to heal not in them (and in a sick way) the confert that they bring.

This is the road now that must be travled - it's going to be hard and painful - i look around me and in my darkness there are shadows I try to run But to my serprize they are not there to hurt me - but to help me on this road that must be travled...

Break me to teach me....

Ok so I am written this post onehanded - thid is due to my right hand -being cracked and almost broken. For the next 2 months i will be the one handed wonder ....

I know already - that the next 2 months are going to be hard. It boilds down to the fact that I will be having to ask for more help then normal.. Now you read that and mostlikly are thinging " So of course you need help- your broken hellloooo" but that idea scares the crap out of me !

I have worked so hard growing up to do things myself - and to have to rely on others for help tarrifies me ... but like I am learning over and over again here this year - is THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ! this has been a reacrering theme for me the past 3 months ... yet still hard for me to grasp! I don't know why but it will not get through my thick head .....

THIS I KNOW FOR SURE GOD teaches in strange ways - I have fears and insucurites to work through .. so God if you need to break me to teach me - bring it on....

"Who am I...?. "

This is not only a really good song in a extremely well known musical ... it is also a really interesting question. One that I have been asking myself a lot lately ... " who am I?" - as a person , as a friend - and most importantly as a "child of God...?"

I was laying in my bed - and all I could think was " I honestly don't know who I am... and it really scared me. It was then that I realized that I have been everything "everyone else wants me to be" - F or year's growing up I agreeed with what people said to make them happy becoming who they wanted - beliving without questioning - agreed so much that I began to not want to figure out who I was as a person - as long as the people around me were happy - life was good... or so I thought

The problem that now resides is that I am lost - lost in a dark corador - a dark place -- with light to far away to see -with no idea what to do where to go - how to get there .. I am not saying that I am so screwed up I am unable to fuction - it is just I want with all of my being to be a new person - without fears - insecuties and unknows - I long to be secure and not scared of what I do not know - and the overwelming fear of failing - failing , me and thouse around me--- As well as God - I know he has a perpose for me - i am His child - but am I really making any headway ...?

I know i am loved by people and God - I just want so badly to figure out who I am - to final put this question to rest and all their fears behind me ....

It hurts so badly - to jump when their is a good possiblity that might just drowned - hoping with everything that in the end - you will come up allright ...

Life in a "perfect" world...

This is a strange post ... Strange in the sence that I'm really do not know where it will end up.. So I am sorry in advance ..

I haven't been able to thinking about a phone conversation I had with my Grandparents last night. They are 83 and I am the closest grandchild to them always have been and sure it will never change. Unlike past conversations I have had with them in the past, this one really stuck out. They said they really miss me.... this is huge .. here is why - i haven't been home full time for 6 years and for those six years the NEVER once said those words to me .. I know it seems small but it really hit me you know ..

Then I began to wonder what life would be like if I could relive the last 7 years ... and life didn't fall apart .. what would life be life if my brother did not die, and was here today. Would I have gone to school out of Provence - would I be in Alberta now ... Would my mom not be crazy - and still kind of there . because her life had not fallen apart ....

The truth is I have no idea - part of me want to think mom would be slightly more sain , but then again who reall knows... There is one big thing I wish could have happaned - I wish I could have introduced Dan to all my friends .. he always was worried about me - he never admited it but he always wanted me to be loved by people who truly cared for me ....

I wish I could brag about my little brother - reashering him that I am loved safe and sound ....

Everything in life happans for a reason - life is never perfect - even though there are days we wish the hell we are living through (or have lived through) wasn't there and would just go away ... but the hardships we indure build charactor in us- so we are able to move forword through the valley so we can start the climb again ...

I really hope crazy is not in my DNA

Ok so it has been a few weeks since I have written anything .. this is an Update / rant (viewer discretion is advised)

So after moving into the basement of the house I will be here for the next year - I went on the Job hunt - I live 5 minutes away from an IGA so I started there - and 2 hours after I droped a resume off they called and the next day I was hired after a 10 MINIUTE intervew - I got full time work ) So naturaly I wanted to give everything i had - however after one shift and a handful of hours of crappy training .. I relized I could not clean the massive chicken rotiseray ( so after going to my boss - she told me if I could not do it - don't try .... she knew I had a disiblitay I told her and still that was her responce.... So i said thanks anyway - and went to walmart ... where now I am a greeter making 10. 25 /hour ... .so in short SCREW YOU IGA!

In other news my my mother is crazy !... ok well that is old news - but still the wonds open again and again - with out a chance to heal .... time and time again - she freakes out over the littlest things - making me this horrible person unable to make desent destions about my life at the age of 24 .... I can't belive how little it takes to set her off - My grandma is doing the same thing ... oh I hope Crazy is not in my DNA....

I am loved by God and the friends /"famliy" I have here Love me for me they see me for me - screw up /product of my upbringing and all ....

I just want to break the cycle - of darkness ...... I want to be different I wish mom could learn to see it .....

A simple way to look at things....

It is amazing what random but insightful things can come out of people late at night..

Here is what I mean ...

Tori-ism: being at the center of God's will is the most dangerous and safe place you can be. God has it planned all along. If you live, He had it planned, you keep getting to do His will. If you die, party at His place!

The truth is in the middle- In the quite - I'm learning to be still..

*Tori-ism- random things said by Victoria !*

a new day ...

"I don't know what to do" This has been the stamnent that has been running though my head all night. ( well since 5:30) this afternoon .... the reason ... I got my second rejection notice for my UK visa ( the first appeal i did in June - still isn't back yet ..)

I got home tonight and really honestly did not know what to think - or what to do - nether did my friends .. they where as blown away as i was ....

So after a good cry and a small pity party - that included an apprentice from greesy KFC- I took a deep breath- ready to start again - I have been looking into cross world /Ywam - I am not sure what or when to tell Oasis...

As much as I am lost and not very fond of the unknown (or the UK governemt/World bridge) for that matter - again I am reminded that God is in control .... My sea is getting a little wild - I am just waiting on Jesus to speak and calm it down ....

Until then I wait - learn -and lisen ... because S**T happands - I just need to reemember to flush ...

And still I am learning ....

So I am in Alberta .. it is a far cry from where I thought i would be 21 days ago to say the least. But as I sit here typing this I am blown away at what i had learned tonight... here let me explan :

I am staying with my friends (one of whom is a pastor) I have known them both for quite some time and they have both helped me out already in so many countless ways its crazy !.... Anyway he and I started talking tonight about things that have happened in the last 21 days. We have both come to the realization that we put so much stock in what our circumstances are that when they flop we are angered and frustrated. Don't get me wrong when all of this suff went down i was sad and frustrated, but I am also learning that EVERYTHING happands for a reason... not sure what but it does - there are no fluks!

My heart hurts for of the Lost youth in the UK and I long to go over and see and be a part of God at work over there... but if it doesn't happan now then The Lord wants me somewere else, doing something else -- and I am learning that that is Ok and that I am not in control .....

Only He who created me is - in Control - Only He...

If you Haven't already .. you really really should ....

hey all
So I have stumbled upon - while at home for last week a fan little thing called "Dr Horrible's sing a-long Blog" It is done by Joss whedon (Buffy, firefly...ect) , and has Nathan Fillion ( firefly) and Neil Patrick Harris ( How I met your Mother, as well as Doogie Howser)

You can find it it on youtube there are 3 acts ! do ya ....If you Haven't already .. you really really should ....



anyway thats all from here ...

hicups ....

Not many people can say that they have been across the ocean in one day... well I have...
I got to the Uk border after a day and night of flying and they said "umm you need a visa " i then said that everywhere I looked looked said i could stay in the country for up to 6 months - but apparently that has changed and now i need a visa to do anything there ... so after 3 hours with imagrations they put me on a plane and sent me home .... however they told me what visa to apply for when i get home ....

So now I am home - working an application for a workimg/holday visa - hoping to be back over there - in a month - those of you who read this please pray it will all work out

thanks

Fathers.....

Are they not supposed to love their children ? .... I guess not ... At least not My father .....
You know I am only leaving for a year - across the World !
But it is like pulling to see my father ....
I really shouldn't feel so pissed ... but I am .. I really am ...

I would like to have a daddy ... but that will NEVER HAPPEN ..... so why do i care so fraking much!

long time no post

So it is Aug and with that the summer is almost over - and i am off to the Uk for my year aboard - wow thats weird lol I just sent my latest verson of my letter ( thanks carm) and booked my year plane ticket.. everything is so close and coming together ... only 3 more weeks of camp !!!!!

well thats all on this end hope you are all doing well !


oh ya ....
I shaved my head ... hehe







see ya

So i am 24 now ..

so I am 24 - it kinda feels odd . also my first week of camp is over - it was also the worse week ever! it thunder stormed al week long !

thats hope for sun next week !
bye guys - until next time !

Summer is here !

camp officially starts today - I don't start to get cabins until next week but summer is here !
Pray that God will do some crazy work this summer !

A scream for the internet to see .....

* ok so this is more of a rant... so i am sorry for it .. in a way *

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ok that is all i can do at the moment- scream into my laptop screen.

I want to explode, today is a amazingly beautiful day,perfect for a wedding and I am super excited for that don't get me wrong that is not why i am virtually screaming for the internet to see. Not at all. The reason is a result of what happend yesterday- the Gong show that snowballed into disaster....

So my friend picked me up last night so I could come to this wedding today, I had fund raiser tickets with me that my other friends needed this weekend- (or so i thought) before i left stonewall i called her there was no answer... so i told her to call me back (though she was busy with maid of honor stuff) didn't even bother to try her boyfriend ... like i always do.... don't know why .... So me and friend number 1 (in the story) went to dinner - we get home around 11:30 -- I realized then that both the maid of honor and the best man (friend and boyfriend) had been waiting for the tickets and now it is to late to bring them in ......So they are pissed ....I'm confused....and then the best man and friend start to fight about it .........so so stupid ..... and because they live together (they continued this morning)

So you see now why i screamed .... it is not my fault but in a way I feel like it is because it is FOR me..... the money will get in today i know that.....

I just hope and pray that this pissing contest can be put aside for the bride and groom's sake.... they don't deserve to have this ruin their day .........

I am still here

so I'm not dead yet....

Life for the past month has been interesting.. between learning my new job and helping mom on the weekends (she has been really sick) ...life has been anything but dull.

the kitchen is full of drama as always.. most the time it is just safer to sit back and enjoy the show - all the while being mindful of flying potatoes. Sadly though my job in the kitchen ends in a few weeks and i go on to learning the stuff i will be doing this summer .. all and all it should be a great time.

I other more frustrating news - I got word about a week ago that my UK visa was declined so now i am in the process of appealing it and hope it works other wise I will have to go for 6 months come home for 3 weeks and go back for 5 months .... so if you feel like praying please please do !

Anyway there is a lineup for the net I must be off !

God Speed!

week one of camp .. DONE !

hello again
So i think it is time for an update.
So i have been at camp for a week - it has been alright - I have chalked it up to the first week in dorms . it is a time to meet and figure the other staff out. lets just say there are a few i really like to be around - there are some that just wont shut up and there are others that just make me want to scream. - but such is life...

It is fun but i am not going to lie i miss my friends where here ! I miss noodle dinners (drake and Carmen) and church on Saturday night ( Scott, tori, Jude) ...

anyway i should go
i will update again as soon as i can !

Grad .... a joke ....

So today was grad . I am happy that it is done ! glad to see my fellow classmates and I are done. the happiness from my friends at school and my teachers I know was true. From my mom it was a joke and completely untrue... For those of you that where at my gr 12 grade the exact same thing happened... for those who were not this is what happened...

After grad was done and no one was around my mother decided to tear a strip into about everything from not smiling ( for those of you who know me I don't smile for forced pictures at the most of times) to not staying in moose jaw .... I have someone staying in my room .

During supper she made it clear that she didn't like my friends .. as she proceeded to have 5 drinks. At this moment she is getting nice and drunk.

So needless to say I do not want to go home thank God it is only for a week .. I would not be able to stand any more.

Next time you see me .....

this is my last post before my internet is cut off - so the next time I post i will have a degree -- wow that's crazy to hear myself say lol

night !

Part 2 - the visa chronicles

ok ok so it has taken a while but here is part 2 ... ready??
ok good!
if your not then to bad! :P

So the last few weeks have been extremely interesting for me. Both frustrating as well as enlightening to the fact I need to really trust God in this time.

So you sitting back and say " what the heck are you talking about it has been so freaking long since your last post!"

SO let me back up and explain. Most of you know that I need to go to Edmonton to go get my visa for the UK. This has been a trial and a half for me. Once I found out that I had no choice I had to go and do this I (like i always do) got slightly felt overwhelmed with how this was going tol work. So after trying to find one way or another to figure out what to do my family - said they would take me with them when they where going that way anyway. So I filled out the application, paid an arm and a leg for the online fee- I am off tomorrow to get this part of my england journey over and done with. this has been tough but it has been a great time trusting and listening to the Lord, when He swings his "holy 2x4 at my head.

On a different note - my time here at Briercrest is over in 11 days! this has also been a very exciting and sobering time. I know my life will go down a path of continued growth. But this chapter of my life has been a long one and a strange way it is sad to see it end.

alright thats all I got !

talk to you all soon !

ps for my friends who enjoy reading and are looking for something new - HP LOVECRAFT ( he is like edgar allan poe on crack !)

How Does the Lord Speak to you? (part 1)

He speaks to me with a extremely large 'Holy 2X4' !

Because I am often slow on the blessing and plans He has for me .. He needs to at times whack me over the head before I fully see what He wants me to see!

There is a story behind this.... but I will tell in tomorrow-ish as i am tired an want to sleep....

So goodnight !

Big News

So I have been home for 3 days and every time I come home I soon realize even though I enjoy being here to I point I also know that it is not a good place for me to be be mental, emotional, spiritually and at times physically. It is just not safe.

That being said I found out today that I have my first 1000$ trowed my year in England! Given to me by the cerebral Palsy association! This is a huge thing because they usually only help with equipment needs. I am so stoked !!!

This is a huge blessing ! God is a good God !

New beginning's -& Old Lessens Relearned

So here i am posting again. First off though I must confess something... I'm am a lier. I told my friends I would post Friday and never did....I am sorry ... good now that that is out of the way.. on with the post.

This past weekend was a full one to say the least. It was youth Quake ! So as in years past the campus was invaded, and for two days we all ran on no sleep and tons of caffeine. This year was partially interesting because it was my last YQ as a student ( not to say I won't come back with a youth group some day)

Before the weekend kicked off however I had to be up stupid early on Friday in order to be awake for my exit interview. It was at 9am *shudder* and after 45 minutes of questions and explaining of my doctrinal beliefs, The told me that 'I knew what I was taking about and I could graduate come April. This is a concept that is all to quickly becoming a reality. I am still really unsure how to take it.

With in the next hour YQ 2008 was in full swing as hundreds of new faces flooded our campus . I was working in the cafitaria for most of the meals, however I was able to cetch most of the weekend's activities. This year's theme was "LIVE OUT LOUD". I was taking to my friends before the weekend and we all agreed how interesting it was that all the themes of youth quake while we have been students have tied in with where we were in our life and walk with the Lord.
For a while now I have been struggling with how exactly to connect fully to the Lord. I mean I know all the truths and I have taken all the classes - however I still had no idea how to get close to the God I am daily getting to know. On Saturday Night after the 3erd session there was a praise party. I walked up to the side of the stage and just sat there, I did not want to be distracted by the lights or the music.

Soon it was thrown to the crowd to just shout out different names of the Lord.. Someone yelled out "daddy" and I lost it. I sat there and asked the question over and over again "Lord how can I call you "daddy" because when ever I think Of a daddy figure I think lack of trust, betrayal, not good enough to be loved. I shut my eyes as the tears rolled down my face and this is what I saw:

I saw a massive sand storm, there was a road long and dusty, I was walking, lost and confused as to what to do and where to go. I was looking around for someone- anyone to come and help me through the stand storm I had found my self in. i was weak and had triped and fallen. As I struggled to get to my feet I began to cry because I was stuck and could not move. Then there was a bright blinding light, as I looked into it I coved my eyes. Soon there was a man who slowly made His way to me. He knelt down and lifted my dace wiping my tears way with His hand. Looking me in the eye He held my face and spoke gently saying " I will never leave or forsake you. , you are my child and I am your father I love you with all I am and I always will!"....

Then what was clear as day vanished and everything rushed back the lights the singing- everything -only this time i felt free and ready to truly praise my Father in Heaven!

Sunday came and the campus slowly emptied out! that was my crazy Yq weekend ! (sorry it took me a week to write)

Wow so much to say -- So much to tell !

Life has been crazy lately. Complete with phone interviews, a birthday kidnapping to Regina as well as a slight car accident ... (no worries all parties involved were not hurt ) anyway on with the news .....

So as most of you know, I have been looking into a position over in London England working with the inner city youth in that area. I had plan at first to only go for 6 months (May to Oct) so i filled out the paper work and sent it in . 2 months- ish went by and i herd nothing so I started to think well maybe I should look into something else. The second week of Jan came and I got an email saying 'sorry for the inconvince but we think you should consider for a year placement. I said I would and pray on it and get back to them. A week later I said 'ok lets do this' :) Last Tuesday the main office in London called me and I had a hour and a half interview and they said that they would get back to me on Feb 4 with an offer -- So at 10am this morning I found out that I have in fact been accepted for a year long position in England - starting in September !! I have to raise the support to do this - however I know the money will come and the Lord will provide - everything I will need :)

Around the middle of January was 'the ever popular "camp Days" * DUN DUN DUN * - the concept - 50+ camps come and try and convince you to think about working for them over the summer ... For 5 years I had walked around talked to reps but never applied simply because of school and loans and stuff - This year - I took the chance and applied - I mean I am done and all graduated in April - and after the flop that was last summer I figured the worse thing they could say is ..... 'ummm how about no' So I have been in contact with them a few times and today - about 20 minutes before England I was offered the job of helping teach photography / photo shop - from may 4 - the end of August! This also means I am free and around to go to Sherrie and Erik's wedding :) (already have that weekend booked off )

What else is there -- oh ya this past weekend, I was a friend's 22 birthday like all good college kids a group[ of us decided to kidnap/blindfold her and take her to Regina for Supper before church. So the original plan was to have multiple cars going to moose jaw from caronport - as this was our first stop... it turns out however that we had to cars but one was in Moose jaw waiting for us to get there. So right now we had a 4 seater car and 6 people to get to Moose jaw - good thing Sask has crazy laws that state if all seatebelts are in use you can put as many people in the car with you as you can fit. Once we got to Moose jaw things became a little more roomy we switched around who was in what car so she could not guess was with her - and headed off about 45 minutes in I had switched to the second car- and he hit a snowy patch - that landed us in the ditch ..... if it wasn't for the 3 feet of snow we slammed into we would have rolled ! We weren't there long however - when a nice big truck came by and pulled us out of the ditch. After that it was clear - we got to Moxies and had dinner and then church. All and all an awesome time !

So this ends my massively large post
to recap :
I have Work for the Summer
I Got a Placement for 1 year in England !
Had a crazy Kidnapping birthday weekend
and landed in the ditch !!

thats it form here !

it has been a while - crazy start to 2008

ok so I have yet to fall of the face of the planet, I swear! However 2008 started off a very interesting year.

It started with my bus ride out here. Everything went ok on the first leg of the tip. (until we arrived at Brandon for lunch. It was there that we found out that the bus we came in on was broken and that we would have to take a different bus to Regina. We where held up for an hour and a half. The bus we ended up in was half the size as the gray hound bus we started in- so needless to say it was a cramped 6 hour ride. It was in these 6 hours that i met... let us call him crazy Steve... now crazy Steve- so i was told was a diamond miner from bc. All he did was talk! and when he wasn't talking he was sleeping which meant he was half leaning on me ! let's just say i was happy to get to Regina and away from him for the last leg of the trip !

Once I got back to the port Drake and Carman met me at the bus stop and took me back to their place for the first week of mod (thanks guys for a great week) My mod was very interesting. as well as extremely laid back! so nice haha :)

Right after our mod's ended- classes started. I have decided to sit in on a class on the Gospel of John to fill some of the stupid amount of free time i have on my hand this term. It is a very odd feeling knowing you are in your last term of school- it is starting to all hit home - This past Monday i got my grad pictures done - it's all really odd.....

Oh the weekend I went to Regina and hit best buy to pick up my new wireless keyboard ( thanks kev for the help) - and had sweet day out with the girls:)

It was also this weekend that a young girl that often came to Joe's place passed away .. from an illness she had been fighting for years. So today i was at her funeral for most of the afternoon-- it was a wonderful celebration of her life - yet a big reminder that our life here on earth is so very short...

So as you can see it has been a crazy start to 2008 !
I will update again soon - right now i need to go watch more heroes !
Take care!