So I was thinking (today) yes it happens from time to time, about Monday. I had hoped that I would get home that night and would be able to cry … but my hopes were wrong. Still haven’t been able to Cry. Oh how I wish I could find away to make it all just come out. My tear ducks seem welded shut – it sucks
I have also noticed how gentle this is going –(not that that is bad because it is not) I am just not used dealing with things in my life softly – for me it always has been a swift knock to the head – look learn to deal or shut up and quit being a baby! This is nowhere near that … maybe now that I think about it is why I find the military so interesting – ya OK blowing crap up is cool – the discipline is well respected – but when it all starts off – when they yell at you to do something- they want you- nay expect you to yell back at them ! – And if that doesn’t happen you get your head handed too you on a silver platter! That I find comfort in….
I guess what I am saying here is this I am learning to except and be ok with the fact that people like and care for my welling being and sanity and although I seem to learn quicker if I am backed into a corner – or receive good verbal ( not abusive) back hand to the head.
The idea I need to get passed is that as much as I would love to deal with all of my crap loud and quick … (apparently so I am beginning to see doesn’t work the greatest) But if I truly want to be rid of the crap that seems to continually have a death grip on me – I will have to go slow and gentle – stitching and learning from old wounds that never have truly healed …
I hope with help I can do it this time – leaving this idea –of all the negative I think and see about me.
All I want - all I have ever wanted is to truly say yes I free - but at the moment - I am not – and to say that I am would be a lie ..
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5 comments:
In good time, God heals all wounds (even if that means in His return-we always have that hope to cling too).
Besides, we will be walking through this with you.
P.S. LOVED you comment about stuff up... so funny!
blow stuff up... sorry...
lol glad you liked it friend !
Hehee, who's the one that types one-handed? I'm not sure! JK. Dawn, you are a very honest person. I hope that your learn exactly how to be honest with yourself in the middle of this struggle. You've dealt with a lot in your life. There'll be more to come. But in the future, instead of challenges and "crap" building up and building up until you need to explode, you'll have the solid foundation you need to handle situations that come your way in a healthy and balanced manner, sourcing out your frustration and anger and rationalizing and talking through problems and situations. I will say it again that you need to weed out the lies and find the truth in each and every circumstance. Don't let yourself get sucked in and you will find freedom in the end. It takes time to heal. Truly heal. God is with you.
love and prayers
again thank you.....
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