"To love another person Is to see the face of God"

I was home today - and to pass the time I had found myself a copy of the Les Miserable 10th anniversary show. As I was watching I realized the crazy theme's strung throughout it- that i some how did not pick up on before (odd) The biggest of them is that of salvation and throughout...

Here let me explain (I have read the book - and seen the musical 3 times ) let's see if i can come up with a brief summery of the 3 main characters:

Jean Valjean - gets out of prison after 19 years - but find that his past still hunts him - shortly after his release he steals silver from a Bishop who lies to the cops so Valjean wont have to go back to prison. ( He then repents , turns a new leaf and does what he can in the name of God.

Jarvert-An obsessive police inspector who continuously hunts, tracks down, and loses Valjean. He goes undercover behind the barricade, but is discovered and unmasked. Valjean has the chance to kill Javert, but lets him go. Later Javert allows Valjean to escape. For the first time, Javert is in a situation in which to act lawfully is immoral. His inner conflict leads him to committing suicide by jumping into the River .

Cosette :The first few years she is raised, she is used as a worker and beaten by the Thenardiers. Daughter of Fantine. She is raised by Valjean after her mother dies. Valjean buys her from the greedy and selfish Thenardiers.

There are other Characters - but these are the 3 main ... anyway back to the point of this post .....

At the end - when Valjean is about to die - he speaks one last time - and the words - struck me - like they never had before .....

VALJEAN (to COSETTE)
Now you are here
Again beside me
now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
I'll obey
I will try.
On this page
I write my last confession
Read it well

When I, at last, am sleeping
It's a story
Of those who always loved you
Your mother gave her life for you
Then gave you to my keeping.

FANTINE
Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory.

VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spokenm
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

I always saw the theme there and thought it was neat and a good story - but it never really hit home like it did this time....

If I had the chance to go see it again ... I think .. I really think it would mean a whole lot more ...

The soundtrack of my mind .....

music is a huge part of me ... and my life. So often the lyrics of songs can so easily explain - what you long for.. I've been sitting and thinking a lot this past week ... thoughts in no real order are stuck in my head. So I put music on to see if it would help ... and here is what I herd ....

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[Chorus:]
They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you
---

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
---
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

[Chorus:]
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you

I have woken now to find myself
I'm lost in shadows of my own
I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from me.
---
You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

[Chorus:]
Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape


......

Thoughts from Monday...

So I was thinking (today) yes it happens from time to time, about Monday. I had hoped that I would get home that night and would be able to cry … but my hopes were wrong. Still haven’t been able to Cry. Oh how I wish I could find away to make it all just come out. My tear ducks seem welded shut – it sucks

I have also noticed how gentle this is going –(not that that is bad because it is not) I am just not used dealing with things in my life softly – for me it always has been a swift knock to the head – look learn to deal or shut up and quit being a baby! This is nowhere near that … maybe now that I think about it is why I find the military so interesting – ya OK blowing crap up is cool – the discipline is well respected – but when it all starts off – when they yell at you to do something- they want you- nay expect you to yell back at them ! – And if that doesn’t happen you get your head handed too you on a silver platter! That I find comfort in….

I guess what I am saying here is this I am learning to except and be ok with the fact that people like and care for my welling being and sanity and although I seem to learn quicker if I am backed into a corner – or receive good verbal ( not abusive) back hand to the head.

The idea I need to get passed is that as much as I would love to deal with all of my crap loud and quick … (apparently so I am beginning to see doesn’t work the greatest) But if I truly want to be rid of the crap that seems to continually have a death grip on me – I will have to go slow and gentle – stitching and learning from old wounds that never have truly healed …

I hope with help I can do it this time – leaving this idea –of all the negative I think and see about me.

All I want - all I have ever wanted is to truly say yes I free - but at the moment - I am not – and to say that I am would be a lie ..

new experences and old ones come back again....

Christmas was awesome ! in fact it was the first Christmas I have neather walked on aggshells for nor had to be fake to apease thoughs around me. It was a different Christmas but with famliy non the less.

It also however was an oppertunity to open up a part of me that I thought never again would I open. Inside i was content (or thought I was ) with the hell that had reaged up inside of me. In a conversation - this cane to light and after realuizing - I mey not be alone this time - I am baganing to take done the wall I have put up - In the past i thought I could handle it myself - now I know I can't.

This is not an issue - I am able to sweep away - I need to talk I need to write - and not be petrifide of asking for help

I have meny scars that will never go away I am learning that I have to move past them to heal not in them (and in a sick way) the confert that they bring.

This is the road now that must be travled - it's going to be hard and painful - i look around me and in my darkness there are shadows I try to run But to my serprize they are not there to hurt me - but to help me on this road that must be travled...

Break me to teach me....

Ok so I am written this post onehanded - thid is due to my right hand -being cracked and almost broken. For the next 2 months i will be the one handed wonder ....

I know already - that the next 2 months are going to be hard. It boilds down to the fact that I will be having to ask for more help then normal.. Now you read that and mostlikly are thinging " So of course you need help- your broken hellloooo" but that idea scares the crap out of me !

I have worked so hard growing up to do things myself - and to have to rely on others for help tarrifies me ... but like I am learning over and over again here this year - is THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ! this has been a reacrering theme for me the past 3 months ... yet still hard for me to grasp! I don't know why but it will not get through my thick head .....

THIS I KNOW FOR SURE GOD teaches in strange ways - I have fears and insucurites to work through .. so God if you need to break me to teach me - bring it on....

"Who am I...?. "

This is not only a really good song in a extremely well known musical ... it is also a really interesting question. One that I have been asking myself a lot lately ... " who am I?" - as a person , as a friend - and most importantly as a "child of God...?"

I was laying in my bed - and all I could think was " I honestly don't know who I am... and it really scared me. It was then that I realized that I have been everything "everyone else wants me to be" - F or year's growing up I agreeed with what people said to make them happy becoming who they wanted - beliving without questioning - agreed so much that I began to not want to figure out who I was as a person - as long as the people around me were happy - life was good... or so I thought

The problem that now resides is that I am lost - lost in a dark corador - a dark place -- with light to far away to see -with no idea what to do where to go - how to get there .. I am not saying that I am so screwed up I am unable to fuction - it is just I want with all of my being to be a new person - without fears - insecuties and unknows - I long to be secure and not scared of what I do not know - and the overwelming fear of failing - failing , me and thouse around me--- As well as God - I know he has a perpose for me - i am His child - but am I really making any headway ...?

I know i am loved by people and God - I just want so badly to figure out who I am - to final put this question to rest and all their fears behind me ....

It hurts so badly - to jump when their is a good possiblity that might just drowned - hoping with everything that in the end - you will come up allright ...

Life in a "perfect" world...

This is a strange post ... Strange in the sence that I'm really do not know where it will end up.. So I am sorry in advance ..

I haven't been able to thinking about a phone conversation I had with my Grandparents last night. They are 83 and I am the closest grandchild to them always have been and sure it will never change. Unlike past conversations I have had with them in the past, this one really stuck out. They said they really miss me.... this is huge .. here is why - i haven't been home full time for 6 years and for those six years the NEVER once said those words to me .. I know it seems small but it really hit me you know ..

Then I began to wonder what life would be like if I could relive the last 7 years ... and life didn't fall apart .. what would life be life if my brother did not die, and was here today. Would I have gone to school out of Provence - would I be in Alberta now ... Would my mom not be crazy - and still kind of there . because her life had not fallen apart ....

The truth is I have no idea - part of me want to think mom would be slightly more sain , but then again who reall knows... There is one big thing I wish could have happaned - I wish I could have introduced Dan to all my friends .. he always was worried about me - he never admited it but he always wanted me to be loved by people who truly cared for me ....

I wish I could brag about my little brother - reashering him that I am loved safe and sound ....

Everything in life happans for a reason - life is never perfect - even though there are days we wish the hell we are living through (or have lived through) wasn't there and would just go away ... but the hardships we indure build charactor in us- so we are able to move forword through the valley so we can start the climb again ...