What did I do ?

It's 3 am - and I really should be sleeping.
I sat on my bed to pray tonight and started to think.
I know my life has played out this way for a reason
I know that being brought up in the family I was - had a purpose.
I even, in my heart know that losing my brother -when I did had to happen.

What i don't get - and don't think I ever will
Is - how I was the brunt of all her angry?
I lost my family to- I was dealing to!

Growing up, my mother was my world
At least she loved me.
What did I do to make her see me -
As this horrible - waste of life -
That should of died - instead of my twin!

Words we say we can never take back
and the words you have said - will be with me always
It's bad enough I know Dad - want's nothing to do with me

There are times I have felt and still feel that you would be happy
If I was gone - you could have your life back ...
I know that you are angry
Because you spent the better half of your life
living a life you have said you never wanted

You push me now to figure out who or what I am 'supposed' to be
"Figure out your life to I can finally live mine.."
You think it is easy - well guess what it's not!
I have no idea who I am ! - I am everything everyone wants me to be!

I hate Fake - so therefore I hate myself !
I hate that feeling - it makes me sick inside!

I am learning that I am loved - and it hurts because
You would think that I would know what it felt like
Prier to being 24... But the love I grow up with was anything but that.

Your words will always be with me
So this is my question for you
What did I do to make you hate me ?
Really what did i do ?
~~~

Sorry it's so long - maybe I can sleep now ....