It makes me wonder - how it is that i have turned out the way i have.. My friend's look at me and what i come from and are surprised that I am not more messed up then I already am. and in many ways I wonder that to ... I have always tried to imagine what life would be like with "normal loving " parents - how different my life would be ....
I was writing a few days ago - and strangely enough it wasn't what I usually write about - but it still was straight and to the point .. I know that there is truth in it - however to tell him would be useless ... it seems the freedom of being honest and truthful with my parents doesn't exist - because as much as it would feel amazing to make them sit while i proceed to tell them how i felt or what they have done - I know in my heart that it would fall on deaf ears and a whole lot of denial.... until then I can only imagine a day that they will realize how much they have alienated themselves from me... seeing how I have grown from them - wanting to be nothing like them but to find out truly who I am meant to be...
~~~~~
It’s dark, late, and I’m tried.
I pray only for sleep.
But it doesn’t come, it hasn’t for a while.
My mind is active again… active when it should be resting.
The thoughts that keep playing are the ones I wish would go away.
I try to think of something.
Anything but nothing helps.
For years I swore it didn’t bother me, that it, was my life nothing more.
I told myself to deal, get through it and move on.
I made myself believe that you could never hurt me.
I won’t let you.
Denial
Excuses
Lies
Let downs
Everything you pulled I took the brunt of–
I took it! So no one else would have to.
I did everything I could to protect my brother.
From the pain you caused him- for years.
Did it ever occur to you that all we ever wanted was for you to be there?
Obviously it never did.
You never cared how bad your words cut into us.
Left scars that will never leave.
It crashed down the day you found out Dan was dying.
For some reason you though if you came to the hospital all would be forgiven.
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.
I wasn’t thinking then.
I thought that you would change.
Realizing life is short.
To short, everyday can be in fact our last.
Nothing has changed.
Not in 7 years, Nor 24.
It was clear from the day you saw us
You couldn’t handle it.
Well Hindsight is 20/20.
I realize now how much time I wasted on you.
Part of me hates you, for giving up on us.
For never getting to know us the way you should have.
A sliver of me still has hope for you …
I’m sick of getting my hopes up
Sick of trying,
Sick of the pain,
You have done it for the last time.
Now it’s your turn
It’s time for you to Step up.
Guess what … we are yours.
There’s no denying no matter how hard you try.
Try to be a Father …
All I ask is that you try.
Is that so much to ask?
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3 comments:
Have you been finding being alone with your thoughts hard, but productive?
hard - yes ,scary - yes productive - yes -
even though I wish there was an off button - oh how I wish there was an off button ....
You anger toward your father is reasonable and expected. He didn't invest in you so why should you invest in him? He didn't believe in you- so why should you in him? He didn't take time for you, he didn't take care of you, he wasn't interested to know you- he didn't even try! So why should you? He is the one who should have prompted all those things, but he has not yet learned how to become a man. A real man.
In a sense, it's kinda of like God.... you can't make him love you and you can't earn his favor or do anything to draw him toward yourself. The good news is that God chooses always to love us and pursues us and we don't have to "work" for it at all. You don't have an earthy father you can look up to at all, but praise God you have a heavenly one who makes up for all of that! And can love you more than your own dad ever could (even if he had tried). You don't have to love your own dad, but you do need to forgive if you want to move past all of your issues connected to or because of him. A hard thing to do- but indispensable for your further growth and progression forward.
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