.... This odd feeling inside...

I feel odd right now. I am not sure why because all and all I had a really good day! helped out at the daycare which is always a highlight when I get to do it- then i was able to hangs with some sweet friemds watching a moive at youth.. I laughed it was fun. Even tonight I laughed with those same people- yet at the same time I feell odd.

And no it is not because I am odd (because to a point this is true) It's like the 'hey I just want to get into a fist fight right now' odd... and those who know me look at me and smirk and say 'ha - you can't fight what are you thinking you can barely stand ' - even I look at me and think that! - I know i would never be able to fight back - and I would get the everything kicked out of me.. maybe that's the point - maybe in my little sick twisted mind - to feel pain like that would be a release. a release of everything in me i push down daily - to be sure a smile floats to the surface-- to insure all that i am ok... everything is ok ....

I got dvd's in the mail the other day - and as i sat skimming through them- i realized what my life was - a life time ago.. I was a happy little kid. I saw a dvd of our 15th birthday- it made me smile - then it hit me that a year and 2 months later- my life would change forever - the count down was on and we didn't even realize it. As i watched it shocked me how much I had forgot( i mean not literally forget ) but i didn't realize how much I had forgotten about him - thats sick - he was my brother and i had forgot his voice! how in the world could i have done that!

I would give anything to hear him or see him right now... I feel horrible or i guess I always have really - for not protecting him more - i mean i'm older - (and as a twin that means everything) He was the calm and cool one- happy with whatever he got or had to go through - i made it seem like it rolled off of me like it didn't matter - oh but it did i hated the fact that he was happy and ok with everything - and now i wish i had embraced it. .. I miss him - I miss that part of me that made me happy and everything fit together - since that piece has been gone I have faked and chocked on being happy - to the point of not remembering what it is..

I want the world I have now- to fit together - I want to remember what true happiness and joy is - I realize now that ignoring the joy that was in front of and beside me for 16 years was the biggest mistake of my life- and it sucks

I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention! - it's killing me inside -

Why can't I just be sad ? crumple into a ball until i pass out like a normal person?? No - my sadness comes out in anger this is what I have learned about myself -- maybe that's why i want someone to kick the everything out of me - because than I know i can cry - it's how I have done it for years- I get kicked (physically or emotionally ) and then I cry .... and everything - related or not comes out...

There has to be another way to feel what i feel and let it out - but as to what end I have no idea ....

I am starting to see now how messed i really am - and I'm scaring me....