Yesterday's excitment ...

Yesterday was an amazing night with the ladies - and then we left our nice warm restaurant - only to realize while we where sitting enjoying our dinner of "yummy-ness" it had decided to blizzard out side - i mean ok it is January and this is normal-ish but it was crazy -- (man i am so out of practice haha ) After we got home I had a very interesting conversation with a friend that sent me to bed thinking about a lot of stuff -- but one analogy stuck in my head all night -- so much so - i wrote a short story -- however I have to get ready for work ... tonight I will share with you the story ...

Until then back to my blast from the past - good old Xena the Warrior Princess ! - I have forgotten how much I enjoy Greek Mythology and Lore - ( yes I am a dork - laugh and move on )

Until tonight .....

And yet life takes another turn.....

So I got a second job and i start tomorrow yay me - I have been completely up front with walmart telling them what i am doing - and once i got the job I have spent the last two days tring to figure out a plan that would work for both walmart and I .. and here is what happened ....

so i came in to work with my plan - that i would come in the evenings and Saturdays bla bla bla and once march comes along i would be available tusday - Thursday and Saturdays again

and sherron ( my front end manager) was in the room along with -- we shell call her "she-cow .." ( lets just say she has had an issue with teaching me new things since i started )

Anyway i laid out my plan and right away 'she -cow" was like "you cant work 2 shifts thats to hard" and i was like "look for 4 months this summer i worked 16-17 hour days and was fine ..." she scoffed at me like she didn't believe me - at this point i started to fum inside- but was un able to say anything

So sherron said she would talk to Niles the Manager and figure something out ---

at this point i know that come the end of June I am done - for the summer - and if they cant work it out ( which i am sure they will because they cant afford to lose anyone else )but if they choose to let me go, then im ok with that -- I would be annoyed by it because i know that i was thinking of the best way to help them out and they still didn't get it but i would still say ok fine see ya .....

I'm just frustrated because they see that my lags don't work and right away assume I can do nothing

So at the moment i can do no more until Saturday - agg stupid people annoy me ...

I just need to tell / make myself not to worry about it because God is in control ..... all i want to do is sleep I have to work at 830 am....

Annoyed...

Annoyed... that's what I am.... I hate sleep!

This is not a normal response to an relaxing event such as sleep.. but is seems lately for the past month I have been having extremely vivid nightmares - or have had the extreme 'privilege' of waking up every half on the hour .. all night... Today I went for what I hoped to be a sweet little nap - Nope. No luck..- insted it felt like I was being smothered -- for who knows how long....

This show is getting old and I wish could turn the channal - or at least turn it off and never see it again...

See why I am annoyed.....

.... This odd feeling inside...

I feel odd right now. I am not sure why because all and all I had a really good day! helped out at the daycare which is always a highlight when I get to do it- then i was able to hangs with some sweet friemds watching a moive at youth.. I laughed it was fun. Even tonight I laughed with those same people- yet at the same time I feell odd.

And no it is not because I am odd (because to a point this is true) It's like the 'hey I just want to get into a fist fight right now' odd... and those who know me look at me and smirk and say 'ha - you can't fight what are you thinking you can barely stand ' - even I look at me and think that! - I know i would never be able to fight back - and I would get the everything kicked out of me.. maybe that's the point - maybe in my little sick twisted mind - to feel pain like that would be a release. a release of everything in me i push down daily - to be sure a smile floats to the surface-- to insure all that i am ok... everything is ok ....

I got dvd's in the mail the other day - and as i sat skimming through them- i realized what my life was - a life time ago.. I was a happy little kid. I saw a dvd of our 15th birthday- it made me smile - then it hit me that a year and 2 months later- my life would change forever - the count down was on and we didn't even realize it. As i watched it shocked me how much I had forgot( i mean not literally forget ) but i didn't realize how much I had forgotten about him - thats sick - he was my brother and i had forgot his voice! how in the world could i have done that!

I would give anything to hear him or see him right now... I feel horrible or i guess I always have really - for not protecting him more - i mean i'm older - (and as a twin that means everything) He was the calm and cool one- happy with whatever he got or had to go through - i made it seem like it rolled off of me like it didn't matter - oh but it did i hated the fact that he was happy and ok with everything - and now i wish i had embraced it. .. I miss him - I miss that part of me that made me happy and everything fit together - since that piece has been gone I have faked and chocked on being happy - to the point of not remembering what it is..

I want the world I have now- to fit together - I want to remember what true happiness and joy is - I realize now that ignoring the joy that was in front of and beside me for 16 years was the biggest mistake of my life- and it sucks

I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention! - it's killing me inside -

Why can't I just be sad ? crumple into a ball until i pass out like a normal person?? No - my sadness comes out in anger this is what I have learned about myself -- maybe that's why i want someone to kick the everything out of me - because than I know i can cry - it's how I have done it for years- I get kicked (physically or emotionally ) and then I cry .... and everything - related or not comes out...

There has to be another way to feel what i feel and let it out - but as to what end I have no idea ....

I am starting to see now how messed i really am - and I'm scaring me....

Random thought

After reading and going through Romans 1 Sunday night , it is amazing how prominent it is when watching a movie like Gladiator.....

Y I know it is random -- however it was all I could think about while watching the movie tonight ...

~~~END~~~

It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

I am not sure where this is going to go - just a heads up ....

When all is said and done for the day- as I sit on my bed , in the quite my mind starts to run through things and conversations I had had that day. This day involved a conversation with my mom. As i ran back through that conversation I started to think of the talks we have had that have not ended so well - and it made me realize something I had not seen before. She has never ever truly apologized for anything she has done or said- yes she has written emails and said it in passing-( but most times it is me saying sorry and taking the blame that isn't mine) I would love to take these times and say that she means what she is saying - but I am really not sure....

That being said I have come to understand it this way - it is like a band aid.. meant to cover the wound for a time in hopes that it will heal some times in the near future - easy fix and move on... THAT DOESN'T WORK ! Because at the end of the day band aids- fall off or in my case get ripped off - thereby exposing the wound to more pain making it impossible to heal . What needs to happen I have come to realize is that those areas that right now are forbidden to heal- they need to be cauterized. That is the only way I can see these holes being able to shut. The dead infected flesh needs to be burnt away - for new healthy flesh to grow and replace it.

Having red hot medal - touch you is never fun- but in order to close a wound it is often necessary - in order to prevent or draw out infection that has or will set in - if the area is left untreated.

There is a lot of me that has been left alone - with easy to rip off band aids - in hopes that it will fix the issue- I realize now that a more evasive course of action most occur...

Now only to find a red hot piece of steal ..... It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

God please take this pain away .....

I hate the quite .. most people find it relaxing and soothing .. but I hate it. I don't know if it is the fact that I have slept barely at at all the past two neighs or what it is.. but I am really angry .. I don't know why and its is bothering me.. I don't like feeling angry even when there is a reason - but when there is not - and these feelings of rage fly up from no where - it scares me....

Writing right now is saving me .... because what I really want to do is hit something until I bleed -because it would hurt but at the same time feel really really good ... arg! - how does that work !?! The war inside me is raging and it feels like I am being ripped apart! and I hate it!

I know in my head that everything I am feeling are lies ... but that still does not stop the pain.. the ripping that I would give anything to stop....

God please take this pain away .....

What did I do ?

It's 3 am - and I really should be sleeping.
I sat on my bed to pray tonight and started to think.
I know my life has played out this way for a reason
I know that being brought up in the family I was - had a purpose.
I even, in my heart know that losing my brother -when I did had to happen.

What i don't get - and don't think I ever will
Is - how I was the brunt of all her angry?
I lost my family to- I was dealing to!

Growing up, my mother was my world
At least she loved me.
What did I do to make her see me -
As this horrible - waste of life -
That should of died - instead of my twin!

Words we say we can never take back
and the words you have said - will be with me always
It's bad enough I know Dad - want's nothing to do with me

There are times I have felt and still feel that you would be happy
If I was gone - you could have your life back ...
I know that you are angry
Because you spent the better half of your life
living a life you have said you never wanted

You push me now to figure out who or what I am 'supposed' to be
"Figure out your life to I can finally live mine.."
You think it is easy - well guess what it's not!
I have no idea who I am ! - I am everything everyone wants me to be!

I hate Fake - so therefore I hate myself !
I hate that feeling - it makes me sick inside!

I am learning that I am loved - and it hurts because
You would think that I would know what it felt like
Prier to being 24... But the love I grow up with was anything but that.

Your words will always be with me
So this is my question for you
What did I do to make you hate me ?
Really what did i do ?
~~~

Sorry it's so long - maybe I can sleep now ....

It Makes me wonder ....

It makes me wonder - how it is that i have turned out the way i have.. My friend's look at me and what i come from and are surprised that I am not more messed up then I already am. and in many ways I wonder that to ... I have always tried to imagine what life would be like with "normal loving " parents - how different my life would be ....

I was writing a few days ago - and strangely enough it wasn't what I usually write about - but it still was straight and to the point .. I know that there is truth in it - however to tell him would be useless ... it seems the freedom of being honest and truthful with my parents doesn't exist - because as much as it would feel amazing to make them sit while i proceed to tell them how i felt or what they have done - I know in my heart that it would fall on deaf ears and a whole lot of denial.... until then I can only imagine a day that they will realize how much they have alienated themselves from me... seeing how I have grown from them - wanting to be nothing like them but to find out truly who I am meant to be...

~~~~~

It’s dark, late, and I’m tried.
I pray only for sleep.
But it doesn’t come, it hasn’t for a while.
My mind is active again… active when it should be resting.

The thoughts that keep playing are the ones I wish would go away.
I try to think of something.
Anything but nothing helps.
For years I swore it didn’t bother me, that it, was my life nothing more.

I told myself to deal, get through it and move on.
I made myself believe that you could never hurt me.
I won’t let you.

Denial
Excuses
Lies
Let downs

Everything you pulled I took the brunt of–
I took it! So no one else would have to.
I did everything I could to protect my brother.
From the pain you caused him- for years.

Did it ever occur to you that all we ever wanted was for you to be there?
Obviously it never did.
You never cared how bad your words cut into us.
Left scars that will never leave.

It crashed down the day you found out Dan was dying.
For some reason you though if you came to the hospital all would be forgiven.
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.

I wasn’t thinking then.
I thought that you would change.
Realizing life is short.
To short, everyday can be in fact our last.

Nothing has changed.
Not in 7 years, Nor 24.
It was clear from the day you saw us
You couldn’t handle it.

Well Hindsight is 20/20.
I realize now how much time I wasted on you.
Part of me hates you, for giving up on us.
For never getting to know us the way you should have.
A sliver of me still has hope for you …

I’m sick of getting my hopes up
Sick of trying,
Sick of the pain,
You have done it for the last time.

Now it’s your turn
It’s time for you to Step up.

Guess what … we are yours.
There’s no denying no matter how hard you try.

Try to be a Father …
All I ask is that you try.
Is that so much to ask?

blown away by the smallest things

Ok so i have been here in Dayton for 3ish months. Something has been different but I never really cought on to what is was until today at church. I mean maybe it's because of where I grew up but all my life sharing and caring for others didn't happen much ( even in church at home ). Here is the difference - I went to New Life for 7 years , did my internship there but still they know nothing about me - nor did they ever care to dig any deeper then they had to. This fact was painfully brought to my attention when I asked my "pastor" to write a letter for my visa and he ether knew none of the information or guessed at it.. it was sad it really really was ...

I have been at the alliance for 3ish months and they already know more and care more then i have ever experienced... it's a nice feeling being cared about ..

It just blew me away .... it is such a weird feeling

"To love another person Is to see the face of God"

I was home today - and to pass the time I had found myself a copy of the Les Miserable 10th anniversary show. As I was watching I realized the crazy theme's strung throughout it- that i some how did not pick up on before (odd) The biggest of them is that of salvation and throughout...

Here let me explain (I have read the book - and seen the musical 3 times ) let's see if i can come up with a brief summery of the 3 main characters:

Jean Valjean - gets out of prison after 19 years - but find that his past still hunts him - shortly after his release he steals silver from a Bishop who lies to the cops so Valjean wont have to go back to prison. ( He then repents , turns a new leaf and does what he can in the name of God.

Jarvert-An obsessive police inspector who continuously hunts, tracks down, and loses Valjean. He goes undercover behind the barricade, but is discovered and unmasked. Valjean has the chance to kill Javert, but lets him go. Later Javert allows Valjean to escape. For the first time, Javert is in a situation in which to act lawfully is immoral. His inner conflict leads him to committing suicide by jumping into the River .

Cosette :The first few years she is raised, she is used as a worker and beaten by the Thenardiers. Daughter of Fantine. She is raised by Valjean after her mother dies. Valjean buys her from the greedy and selfish Thenardiers.

There are other Characters - but these are the 3 main ... anyway back to the point of this post .....

At the end - when Valjean is about to die - he speaks one last time - and the words - struck me - like they never had before .....

VALJEAN (to COSETTE)
Now you are here
Again beside me
now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
I'll obey
I will try.
On this page
I write my last confession
Read it well

When I, at last, am sleeping
It's a story
Of those who always loved you
Your mother gave her life for you
Then gave you to my keeping.

FANTINE
Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory.

VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spokenm
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

I always saw the theme there and thought it was neat and a good story - but it never really hit home like it did this time....

If I had the chance to go see it again ... I think .. I really think it would mean a whole lot more ...

The soundtrack of my mind .....

music is a huge part of me ... and my life. So often the lyrics of songs can so easily explain - what you long for.. I've been sitting and thinking a lot this past week ... thoughts in no real order are stuck in my head. So I put music on to see if it would help ... and here is what I herd ....

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[Chorus:]
They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you
---

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
---
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

[Chorus:]
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you

I have woken now to find myself
I'm lost in shadows of my own
I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from me.
---
You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

[Chorus:]
Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape


......