God through music .... hmmmmm

These hit home tonight - i haven't listened to Creed in a very long time.. it is interesting because I know i listened to them a lot when I was trying to figure life out in 2001.....

My Own Prison lyrics

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time{repeat}

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
((And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one) I created I created
My own prison

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time


*****
Faceless Man lyrics

I spent a day by the river
It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all that's real
It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
I said it's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Now I saw a face on the water
It looked humble but willing to fight
I saw the will of a warrior
His yoke is easy and His burden is light

He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right
He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right

Again I stand. Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand. Lord, God I stand,
against the Faceless Man

'Cause if the face inside can't see the light
I know I'll have to walk alone
And if I walk alone to the other side
I know I might not make it home

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away
Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man


**

Wrong Way lyrics

What makes you touch?
What makes you feel?
What makes you stop and smell the roses in an open field?
What makes you unclean?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah

What makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
What makes our youth run
From the thought that we might die?
What makes you bleed?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah

Somebody told me the wrong way
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Somebody told me the wrong way

What if I died?
What did I give?
I hope it was an answer so you might live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live...live

*****
the entire cd "human clay" has the same message ..
I just think it is interesting ....

It's almost been at a year......

It's almost been a year.

Last year I was getting ready to graduate
Finishing up last minute assigments and perparing for what I thought life would be
Fast forward now to today - Life is in every way differnt then i thought it would be. It has been a crazy emotionally ride - but in a big way refreshing. (excited, scared, confused , angry . content. hurt . really angry . really scared) As you can see life hasn't really plat-owed or has never been given the chance to do so.

It has been a year - a year that I have been suronded with people that love me for me
Even if I don't except it or understand it at times. (although i am trying ) It has been a year since i have been blown up at ( in person) pushed agenst a wall or thrown to a floor- it;s a nice feeling.

I have realized through this time away from what i have thought for years a 'normal' That one of my biggesest issues is i am in denal - or at leat I have been. I am slowly (with help) steping out of that. I didn't realize how much the truth hurts when you are confronted with the fact that the names and Ideas you have been called for years were not true. Believe me you get told something long enough you start to see it as true even when you know it is not. At the time the truth gets pushed so far back that when you have to dig it up again it rips you up inside.

One thing I have learned however and it continually gets hammered into me - is that even though it hurts now it will be better tomorrow - for this 'hurt is a good hurt' - It strengthens you and makes you whole.

I now in my heart that the road I am on is the right one - and I know there will be times I want to turn tail and run.

But in the end this time I am not alone and that excites me !

It's almost been at a year......

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I AM SO ANGRY
SO PISSED
SO ANNYED !
I LOVE HOW I HAVE TO CONTINUALLY TELL MY MANAGER THAT I CA'T WORK DAY I HAVE BOOKED OFF!
I AM SICK OF BEING SCREWD OVER !

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
TIME FOR A NEW JOB

GAA I HATE WALMART !

I don't get it -- can someone please explain ?

My head is swimming right now ....

I don't get it !

Why does everything fall on me ?
And for the love of all that is good and holy WHY OH IS IT A GUILT TRIP!
Now every time I talk to my mother -- she wants to know when I am coming home !
the truth I don't know yet - I have an idea but it isn't in stone! and in all honesty
I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!
home scares me - I don't want to walk on egg shells! scared that if I breath wrong I am going to be told what a pathetic loser I am !
told that I will go no where with the degree of nothing I have and why the heel did I go to school for a degree that - will get me very little money for ... because oh I forgot that is what it's all about - MY BAD !

but now her big thing is " think of your grandparents -- you have to come home to see them ! they will most likely not live much longer .."

funny thing is I am the only one who gets that line - I am not stupid I know they are old I know they will die. but if I am gone and they do what am i going to do !
I love them I do! but PLEASE PLEASE don't use them as freaking bargaining chips !

~Man i could really use a drink right now!

I really want to email my mom and tell her I am not coming home- I mean if SHE HAS TO SEE ME ... then get in a freakjing plane and COME AND SEE ME ! -- oh wait I forgot ... that will make her life be put on hold !! *gasp* she made it very clear that I was not to come home to stay because she WASNT looking after me !

well guess what - manitoba is where I grew up -=yes - but never again will it be my home !

I hate GUILT trips - they are a real waste of time!

New Chapters ...

New Chapters -

The chapters in the book of my life seem short these days.
Compared to the one almost never ending college chapter....
Each Chapter brings with it New, exciting, and most times challegeing events ...
Grated most challeges tend to bleed through-out the smaller chapters ..
Since i have kept them locked away for so long..

The only way out is up -I just need to climb...

Became a memeber of my Church today ...
Started filling out my Missions app - didn't relize how much denile I am in..
Thought i could get by with just letting everything roll off my back - My face answered that ..

New Challeges- on the road ahead of me ...

Cooling off the rage that burns inside .. maybe someday be happy
And forgiving - those who don't think the NEED to appologize..
'You have played a big part in who I am today.. if only you could see how much it hurt me inside...'

These are the new chapters - the next page is blank what I make of it - is up to me ....

to much to ask...

I bruised my face tonight...

why am i so stupid - it took away some of the anger - now i can see straight
why cant i be like a normal person and crawl into a corner and cry... instead it comes in stages - and stops - not coming when i want it to ....

I hit myself until i bruised - instead of tears - i feel shame - what is wrong with me?

God why can't I do anything the normal way - I want to escape this but every-time i start to get out - i crawl back into it because it is what i know

- screw what I know - i want what i don't know .... is that so much to ask for?

Pain is my life - I wish you would get that .....

I don't know what to say - all i know is I am freaking pissed !
The one day i show the world a sliver of the pain i am in ALL THE TIME - it is the freaking end of the world !
I hate being weak - showing my pain to a world that looks at me like I am already freaking waste of time kills me!
Al I want to do is through my fist through th nearest wall - I am so pissed - i try with everything have to do what i have to do without falling over and NEVER GETTING UP AGAIN but oh my goodness the poor disabled girl is having a bad day - the world is going to HELL !!! -

PAIN IS MY WORLD GOD FORBID IT THAT SOMEDAY YOU SEE ME FIGHT WITH IT !!!

The tears burn as they run down my face... I'm crying over crap i cant change - what the hell !!