Mountain Tops and Valleys ....

What do you think of when you think of mountain tops and valleys? Imagine it for a second. When I think of them, I see clear blue sky- fresh air and a view as far as the eye can see. The valley’s however are deep and dark, and although at times could be peaceful are often not.

In my life- I have had amazing times on the mountain tops as well as my share of times in the valley. Everything is going amazing, life is awesome – then all of a sudden you step on a loose stone, and down you tumble back to the valley – you have worked so hard to get away from. At first it is disheartening as you look around realizing you are back at square one – and in front of you is the mountain. The summit so far away- it feels like it will be forever until you can reach it again. Eventually we all must get up, dust the dirt off and begin to start our journey. It may be a slow process but we are not meant to stay in the valleys forever.

Those of you that know me, have just read those two paragraphs, and are no doubtable wondering where this is coming from. Well keep reading and I hope you will get a better picture.

For the last nine years, most people would have considered me ridiculously negative. To me however.. the world was falling apart , and let’s face it reality sucked – everywhere you looked something was going on. I became very cynical to the world around me, and thought I did well at keeping it hidden. But like all things, it was seeping out of me and I had no idea. To me - I was on that summit fresh air in my face, blue sky around me. Life was good.

Then I was hit by a rock I had no idea was coming. I had met someone as blunt and straight to the point as I was. At that point I had known her for all of two months, but what she said to me that day hit home and made me stop and think. “ you know you are really really negative, like all the time’ This was the first time, someone saying that had ever gotten through.. I mean I had heard it before, but I brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I had come crashing down hard, back to this valley that – I thought I wound never see again.. I remember it clear as day – I looked up and said.. “ umm thanks .. but I have been like this for as long as I can remember- how can I change it?” She smiled and thus my visit in the valley was extremely short lived.

I was excited at this idea of change – but at the same time had this feeling that it was not going to be easy – nor was it going to be made easy for me. The first of many ‘assignments’ given to me- was to write down 5 things I liked about myself… easy right? – nope it was the hardest thing I had to do in a very long time ! -- not only did I have to write them down – so I had to see them… she wanted to see them to .. Let me tell you I sat for a long time that night trying to find 5 little things I liked about myself .. I also leant right quick that excuses were not going to fly.. I put a question mark beside an answer I gave.. said I wasn’t sure if I did it right.. I was told to come up with 5 more answers … every time I would take a challenge and give a reason why I couldn’t do it – it was shot down with a response I could not for the life of me ague with. It frustrated me to no end – only because I am sickly stubborn and I knew she was right. On the other side of it though it was awesome! – someone was finally pushing me to do and try things I never would have dreamed. For that I am and will forever be thankful for.

My fear of failure is still there – but this is the next thing I intend to beat off of me, It sounds little – but to learn and grasp the idea that to fail is ok, That it is really the only real way try new things. Is something I have been crippled by for a very very long time. This needs to stop and I am excited to see the outcome – when it does.

At the end of this long ramble – I can say this- I have been in my share of valleys – in the past 8 months. And by no means did I enjoy myself, however I can see now the reason for them. It is said that as mach as we would like to change the past we can’t. The only thing we can do is look back on it and see our mistakes and do our best to learn from them , and do better the next time.

So as I once again start my way back up that mountain – I can only hope that as I look back I will see my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them.

Pain is a good thing - it means your not dead yet

So it has been awhile since I have bloged.. but after a visit back to C-port hanging out with old friends I thought it was time. A lot has happened in the last year. Am I still dealing with the darkness of my past - yes I have discovered that there is much more in there then i first realized and it will take longer to get through then I thought. But I am, even if it a slow long up hill battle I am doing it - day by day taking steps forward - in hopes to finally someday be free of the stuff that holds me back from so much.

But enough of that.. Life has gotten really cool in the past year. let me try to explain- the best way to describe it I think is I have begin to see life as a gift - everyday we have as a gift - and I am learning to try new and exciting things! I have found some really solid friends out here in DV that have helped me down this road of metal change. To help me go from the ' well that's really rad but I can't because of this thing or that' to well let me try and see what happens! and I love it ! I have recently started going the Gym - now all of you who read this are all like - 'what no way not dawn - she's all eww nasty exercise!' But let me tell you I LOVE IT! boxing and kickboxing and MMA ( all things i thought I could not do ) i am doing -- i mean ya some things need to be modified sure but even in the last month I have gone from not being able to knee the punching bag - because I could not get my leg high enough .. to I can knee it now ! it is such a wonderful feeling ( even the small things) the confidence it gives you in yourself is amazing! - to look at the people that see nothing but the disability and say 'screw you hippie ! I can do it- it may be slow but I can - do not under estimate me !" it is such a wonderful feeling!

Ya I am still trying to figure were I fit in this whole ministry thing - but luckily I have amazing people mentoring me and are willing to see me succeed in where GOd has called me to be! I just need to be open and more willing to ask and see and not just assume - it is not an option because physically I may not be able to to A. B or C. God has a place for all of us.. we just need to see today as a gift and run with it and do all we can to make it the best day we can. Will there be days that suck - heck yes - that's life but we have two choices we can reflect and learn or we can dwell and not move forward. .. I admit I used to sit and dwell and feel bad and this that and the other thing - but now I am trying really hard to see what I can learn from the days that - are crap and do better next time .. this is a heard thing, but at the end of the day all we need to do is just remember that Our Dad owns all and is way way bigger then anything we think is tough! And He loves us even if we mess us ! in short HE IS AMAZING BECAUSE HE LOVES ME FOR ME - WITH ALL MY FAULTS AND FAILURES ! He is the best Dad ever !

I found this Quote the other day and i think it sums it up..

“Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control."