I'm frustrated .... I have a knot in my gut ..... every-time life seems to be going good - .. mom calls and life comes to a halt like at the top of the massive 'rollercoster of life" and starts to drag me down again .... I try to ignore her words - her guilt, her tone - but still it grabs me like rope and pulls -- and I hate it! -
And she wonders why I was so dead set that she does NOT sell my punching bag ! gaa ! she is the reason I got it in the fist place -- ... " must preserve the image of the family - can't let friends and family know what a screwed kid I have" you have no idea the pain you have caused - the sleepless nights - the tears I have cried -- I move 20 hours away and still you have a hold on me !
I am not that little helpless girl anymore -- I am not your "shit-stick-punching bag" -- I want to step out of that and became who I am meant to be -- yet you still grab me and pull me in - making it impossible to escape.
It is obvious that you hate everything about me - so why do you try and care - unless you mean it - it is a waste of your time and mine !
I learned a long time ago that "my mom" died that cold Oct day in 2000 - all thats left is a shadow that wishes she were dead ....
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2 comments:
Ouch! I am sorry to hear that. Yes, in a way, your mom still can have a hold on you. It does not matter that you are far away, it is the emotional connection. The bond that will not be completely severed and she uses that in an evil way. Partly because she knows you too well (or thinks she does) and partly b/c she doesn't know you at all! I am so glad for this year you have had away from her. It has been so good for you, and you are still trying to figure out where you belong and who you are supposed to become, but you've come a long way... You can feel frustrated- by all means- but don't let it take you 5 steps back. You need to also fight evil with good and tell yourself 20 times over good things to combat the 2 negative things she used to rip into you. You know? It's only as personal b/c of who it comes from. If it was anyone else, you wouldn't take it near so hard. You wouldn't even stop to think about it, you would simply reject it immediately. But your mom is your mom (it's really too bad we can't pick 'em ourselves huh?) It's close and personal. That may not be avoidable. But take all your hurt to God- over and over again. He heard every word. He feels every hurt and knows exactly what you are thinking. And he is the great healer. Go to him and he will heal you. Get your self image from him and him alone. We will be praying for you....
thanks
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