Tonight has been a very interesting night.... my head really hurts ( literally, ) and my chest is heavy. you may not understand - since my last post was all cherry -like about easter. here let me try and explain what I mean ....
This year has been full of many things.. most off the healing verity .. and one big theme FORGIVENESS -- (this i haven't quite grasped yet )...As for healing it is by no means is wrong in anyway-- In fact it is awesome ! -- however the way my life has been the last few months is this just when things get calm and "ok" I get this overwhelming feeling that most times comes with frustration and angry and I hate it!! First because it is a feeling of-what the crap why am I angry - then its an overwhelming feeling off numbness and like someone is latched on to me - making my walking heaver then normal ( and we all know it's heavy at the best of times... lol) It scares me because I know it isn't me -- it is who I was- not who I want t to be now... Anyway I haven't felt it in at least a little over a month --- and tonight it hit me - like a left hook to the kidney ..( during the spiritual warfare class i am in .. shock shock surprise surprise)
It is honestly THE WORST feeling ever because you know what it is but it will not go away and you just want to feel something and even at times wish the voices would stop talking long enough for you to hear yourself think. I hate unexplained anger , the unexplained urge to hit something really hard - just to feel -- kills me inside because I KNOW I am so much more then that !!!!
And to end an interesting night I got out of the jeep and smacked my head on the cement.. saw some blue floaty things and am now contemplating when I should sleep I know it should be soon as I work tomorrow....
Thank you God for loving me through my anger and frustration ... I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....
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2 comments:
I wish you could to. But I don't think they'll just "go away". I think you have to actively respond to squash them! I am so glad that we are learning about the armour of God and we know that Satan's tactics have really not changed since day one! Unfortunately, we also know that if we are not on our guard, they work! Sometimes, we are suckers and sometimes we are victors, but we will always have those tools to use when needed. Let us try to act and not be passive so when crisis comes, we will respond appropriately! Not only b/c it's enabling for us, but b/c it also honors God when we do so. And He will also lend His power when we call on his name for support, rescue, safety, comfort and much more! That's my rant for the night. Love ya friend.
*pssst* i like your rants :P
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