I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Tonight has been a very interesting night.... my head really hurts ( literally, ) and my chest is heavy. you may not understand - since my last post was all cherry -like about easter. here let me try and explain what I mean ....

This year has been full of many things.. most off the healing verity .. and one big theme FORGIVENESS -- (this i haven't quite grasped yet )...As for healing it is by no means is wrong in anyway-- In fact it is awesome ! -- however the way my life has been the last few months is this just when things get calm and "ok" I get this overwhelming feeling that most times comes with frustration and angry and I hate it!! First because it is a feeling of-what the crap why am I angry - then its an overwhelming feeling off numbness and like someone is latched on to me - making my walking heaver then normal ( and we all know it's heavy at the best of times... lol) It scares me because I know it isn't me -- it is who I was- not who I want t to be now... Anyway I haven't felt it in at least a little over a month --- and tonight it hit me - like a left hook to the kidney ..( during the spiritual warfare class i am in .. shock shock surprise surprise)

It is honestly THE WORST feeling ever because you know what it is but it will not go away and you just want to feel something and even at times wish the voices would stop talking long enough for you to hear yourself think. I hate unexplained anger , the unexplained urge to hit something really hard - just to feel -- kills me inside because I KNOW I am so much more then that !!!!

And to end an interesting night I got out of the jeep and smacked my head on the cement.. saw some blue floaty things and am now contemplating when I should sleep I know it should be soon as I work tomorrow....


Thank you God for loving me through my anger and frustration ... I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Easter - (the best time of year )

The past few weeks have been - interesting....

In the past few weeks - I have acquired myself full time work at the bottle deapo - thereby being able to finally have the freedom to leave wal-mart (yay) as well as the heath food store! ( don't get me wrong I have been grateful for both opportunities) however it will be nice to have 1 steady generated hours job. People think I am crazy to be happy to have my days full of manual labour - like sorting bottles... but I think it is because I enjoy proving to people just because I have a disability - it doesn't mean all i am able to do is stand and "greet" people - I think thats why i enjoy the feeling of having been able to do something with my days....

This past week was Easter ( best time of the year) Good friday - I was able to see the death Of Jesus in again a whole new light .. and it was really neat... Good Friday - in all respects was the ultimate choice .... I had always only seen the 2 thieves that died with Jesus as just that 2 thieves... .. however after friday - I will never see them the same again.. -- those 2 men beside Jesus were the true example for us all ... One died in love and peace - and one died in Sin and death .... That is one crazy thought and it blows my mind to think about it !

Sunday was a serprizing day -- I got to have Easter dinner - something I was so not expecting and it was amazing ! I really don't think I have ever seen a bird that big !

All and all it has been a crazy few weeks - it's been good !

I want to escape - can someone show me how .....

I'm frustrated .... I have a knot in my gut ..... every-time life seems to be going good - .. mom calls and life comes to a halt like at the top of the massive 'rollercoster of life" and starts to drag me down again .... I try to ignore her words - her guilt, her tone - but still it grabs me like rope and pulls -- and I hate it! -

And she wonders why I was so dead set that she does NOT sell my punching bag ! gaa ! she is the reason I got it in the fist place -- ... " must preserve the image of the family - can't let friends and family know what a screwed kid I have" you have no idea the pain you have caused - the sleepless nights - the tears I have cried -- I move 20 hours away and still you have a hold on me !

I am not that little helpless girl anymore -- I am not your "shit-stick-punching bag" -- I want to step out of that and became who I am meant to be -- yet you still grab me and pull me in - making it impossible to escape.

It is obvious that you hate everything about me - so why do you try and care - unless you mean it - it is a waste of your time and mine !

I learned a long time ago that "my mom" died that cold Oct day in 2000 - all thats left is a shadow that wishes she were dead ....