I hate it ! It makes people {mom} really drunk really fast ... then she runs her face and i can ignore it for .. so long then the frustration hits red and I react .. i don't want to but do and every time i hate myself after I do. It's what she wants - I have played right into her hand.. and I hate myself for it ...
Same with coming home. Why do I do it to myself ? because every time i do this happands! I know it will happen - yet inside I hope and pray and wish it will be different.. just once.. one visit and no mind games. It is almost if she does this because I am home I mean when i talk to her on the phone she rejoices over the fact that she only drinks once in a while and that she has cut back on the red wine.. yet it has been running nonstop since i have been home. It is almost as if she says and does these things to see how far she can push me until i snap and she has a reason to kick me out!
I hate this one breath she says I am worthless and can do nothing and in the next she says I am all she has ! Her and her new "F' the world attitude is getting old - she can only play the 'victim' card for so long!
Arg! this is so frustrating ! I need to tell her about this england thing This Week and I want her support , I would love her blessing - but I am petrified that she will think is retarded.. I know i am 23 and I have every right in the world to tell her to shove off because it is my life but I am scared she is going to guilt me .. thereby causing me to doubt - in my self and in what God has planned me me .......... DANG IT I DON'T WANT TO DOUBT - I AM SICK OF LOOKING AT EVERY ANGLE! - I JUST WANT TO JUMP!
i just want to jump - why can't she just get that- and let me go ....... why do I hope in something that is never going to be true ?
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2 comments:
I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say. From my experience drinking is normally to try and forget something. To get rid of pain you don't know how to deal with. You may think that you are having fun, but in reality, you don't realize that you are hurting the ones you love. And no that doesn't make it right. Stay strong in your faith, don't doubt yourself. He loves you and has a plan for you. Read, pray, learn everyday and you will become even closer to him. Also pray for your mom don't give up on her. God did say that there will be trials in your life. Maybe your experiences that you are having right now are to make you stronger, so that you can help someone else later on. I hope that I have helped you in some way. I will pray for you both. God Bless. Good Luck with the England thing.
thank you :)
although I have no idea who you are :)
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