I hate it ! It makes people {mom} really drunk really fast ... then she runs her face and i can ignore it for .. so long then the frustration hits red and I react .. i don't want to but do and every time i hate myself after I do. It's what she wants - I have played right into her hand.. and I hate myself for it ...
Same with coming home. Why do I do it to myself ? because every time i do this happands! I know it will happen - yet inside I hope and pray and wish it will be different.. just once.. one visit and no mind games. It is almost if she does this because I am home I mean when i talk to her on the phone she rejoices over the fact that she only drinks once in a while and that she has cut back on the red wine.. yet it has been running nonstop since i have been home. It is almost as if she says and does these things to see how far she can push me until i snap and she has a reason to kick me out!
I hate this one breath she says I am worthless and can do nothing and in the next she says I am all she has ! Her and her new "F' the world attitude is getting old - she can only play the 'victim' card for so long!
Arg! this is so frustrating ! I need to tell her about this england thing This Week and I want her support , I would love her blessing - but I am petrified that she will think is retarded.. I know i am 23 and I have every right in the world to tell her to shove off because it is my life but I am scared she is going to guilt me .. thereby causing me to doubt - in my self and in what God has planned me me .......... DANG IT I DON'T WANT TO DOUBT - I AM SICK OF LOOKING AT EVERY ANGLE! - I JUST WANT TO JUMP!
i just want to jump - why can't she just get that- and let me go ....... why do I hope in something that is never going to be true ?
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Friday, October 5, 2007
Today my Brain went 'Pop'
and it is only the 8th class in the semester! My day {or afternoon started with my Advanced Christian World-view class. In this class everything i have learned in the past 5 years here in regards to how to approach Youth ministry was challenged. Let me explain...
In the early beginnings of society everything that was learned in regards to morals, values and beliefs were instituted in us through the family. However since the family structure has changed so much this to had to change. The idea of schools changed this practice, offering different types of lessons in regard to growth and life skills. So to then did the church. Everything now is programs, programs, programs, a youth ministry does not function without programs for this, that or the other thing. Christians of today have seen the family unit and said 'wow they are lacking in these areas- we can make a program and help them with this problem. But in reality the idea is to help the family as a whole not just a part of it. The use of a programs in effect has weakened the family instead of making it stronger, because the family as a whole is not helped and lead as well they are unable to contribute in the spiritual lives of their kids. Instead they drop their kid off at youth group because this 'program' will help you- it is not my problem.... So the question is then if we as Christians , confessed believers of the Word of the Lord, do not understand the idea of helping the family unit as a whole - as God calls us to; where then do we get off creating program after program in the name of youth and family ministry?
As my head spun from that class I then ran to my Classics of Spiritual literature class where we talked about the Grace of God. Holy man ... Grace and mercy are completely different now then they where when I walked in. I am not sure how to exactly write what I mean so I will say this. When we read 'By grace we have been saved..' it seems so easy to grasp but in reality it is way deeper and crazier to comprehend... all I can think of to describe it is that we are crazy lucky to have a God that loves us the way he does.. because in our human nature we can not bare to see the glory of God yet the grace Of God .. allows it to, if only but a little of what it truly is....
I am sorry if this is confusing to follow but it was a crazy day .. you see why my Brain went "Pop"?
In the early beginnings of society everything that was learned in regards to morals, values and beliefs were instituted in us through the family. However since the family structure has changed so much this to had to change. The idea of schools changed this practice, offering different types of lessons in regard to growth and life skills. So to then did the church. Everything now is programs, programs, programs, a youth ministry does not function without programs for this, that or the other thing. Christians of today have seen the family unit and said 'wow they are lacking in these areas- we can make a program and help them with this problem. But in reality the idea is to help the family as a whole not just a part of it. The use of a programs in effect has weakened the family instead of making it stronger, because the family as a whole is not helped and lead as well they are unable to contribute in the spiritual lives of their kids. Instead they drop their kid off at youth group because this 'program' will help you- it is not my problem.... So the question is then if we as Christians , confessed believers of the Word of the Lord, do not understand the idea of helping the family unit as a whole - as God calls us to; where then do we get off creating program after program in the name of youth and family ministry?
As my head spun from that class I then ran to my Classics of Spiritual literature class where we talked about the Grace of God. Holy man ... Grace and mercy are completely different now then they where when I walked in. I am not sure how to exactly write what I mean so I will say this. When we read 'By grace we have been saved..' it seems so easy to grasp but in reality it is way deeper and crazier to comprehend... all I can think of to describe it is that we are crazy lucky to have a God that loves us the way he does.. because in our human nature we can not bare to see the glory of God yet the grace Of God .. allows it to, if only but a little of what it truly is....
I am sorry if this is confusing to follow but it was a crazy day .. you see why my Brain went "Pop"?
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Today I have a piain in my Heart....
Today {Oct 02} is a tough day. Today is the 7th year since my brother passed away. My heart aches and every year it comes back and more then ever I realize that there was a time that I was not an only child. How quickly life can change. I wish that I did more with him , and above all I wish that I would have said I love you. I mean he knew I did but I wish I could have said it more. Life is short, none of use know when our time here is over. -- it is for this reason we should not take a single second we have for granted. Although I have learned this lesson the heard way - I still find myself getting 'comfortable' and missing out on what is around me.. This is something I struggle everyday to stop.
My heart is also torn as to what I am supposed to do with my life, this is my last 'year' at briercrest, in April I hope to graduate. Then the path gets dark and the light goes out and I find myself lost and unsure what to do and where to go. I have been thinking about going into web design as many of you know, however I am not sure what I could do with that. I am also being pulled more and more in the direction of something over seas... I think... I want so badly to go to England and work with the youth there, The question is however what would I do over there and how would I get there. These are big questions that are ripping at my heart! I know I know you are reading this and saying 'whoo slow down , finish one thing at a time' believe me that is what my mind is screaming at me.. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it.
A friend from crossworld mission is back for 2 days, she has talked to me for years about opportunities in England and telling crazy stories of what God is doing over there This makes me want to go more ! Then reality sets in {in the form of my mother} and I start to think it will never happen and I get discouraged because once again I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this life God has giving me. There must be a reason for everything I have experienced .. there has to be....
... wow I don't know where these crazy deep-esk posts come from at 2 am - I really don't........
My heart is also torn as to what I am supposed to do with my life, this is my last 'year' at briercrest, in April I hope to graduate. Then the path gets dark and the light goes out and I find myself lost and unsure what to do and where to go. I have been thinking about going into web design as many of you know, however I am not sure what I could do with that. I am also being pulled more and more in the direction of something over seas... I think... I want so badly to go to England and work with the youth there, The question is however what would I do over there and how would I get there. These are big questions that are ripping at my heart! I know I know you are reading this and saying 'whoo slow down , finish one thing at a time' believe me that is what my mind is screaming at me.. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it.
A friend from crossworld mission is back for 2 days, she has talked to me for years about opportunities in England and telling crazy stories of what God is doing over there This makes me want to go more ! Then reality sets in {in the form of my mother} and I start to think it will never happen and I get discouraged because once again I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this life God has giving me. There must be a reason for everything I have experienced .. there has to be....
... wow I don't know where these crazy deep-esk posts come from at 2 am - I really don't........
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