end of 2007

So it is the 31st today and in 6 hours and 15 mins 2007 will be over and 2008 will begin. This year will bring many changes to everyone I'm sure. It is exciting - the start of a new year. It is truly a time to start again and try to have the best year that we possibly can.

As for me I am waiting for my ride to go spend this New Year's eve in the city with my friends. On the 2ed I will be once again on the bus back to school. crazy !

This Christmas has truly been an answer to prayer! I was home for 14 days and there havn't been any fights- no yelling- screaming no tears ! It is truly amazing! There where times that could have exploded-but right when mom could have opened up on me - SHE WALKED AWAY! this has not haven't in years ....

Anyway thats it for me hope everyone has an amazing New Years !
talk to you all next year !

One more Semester closer ......

Today all my class assignments are finished. I have 3 days of classes left, but all my homework is done. This shouldn't be strange , I mean I have done.. lets see.... this will be my 11th semester here at school;but this time it is weird. Weird because in 4.5 months I will be done (Lord Willing) finished with a piece of paper in my hand I have paid 60,000 $ for. stating that I have earned a B.A degree !

Where i go from here is still yet to be determined. I have sent my application in to Frontline Uk - so now all I can do is wait and see how the interview goes. If it goes well - I will be in London England from May to October. This is Crazy - Crazy because I am doing this, crazy because it is starting to look more and more like reality.

Strange the twists life takes some times.

Oh! Last thing I almost forgot! This weekend started of in a great way. I got my Advanced worldview Paper back - the class average as 18/30 which translates to 63% I got a 20.6 /30 ! I am above the class average! Yes i know it's not that high -however a 69-70% for Dr From - is like an A in any other class. hahaha I thought he would have given me a 'pity 50' -so when I saw that I was in shock - It was an AWESOME FEELING!

Oh crap! it's 230 am i need to go to bed .... night guys !

It has been a while .... and a lot has happened since my post from home.

It is interesting how God works. right when you think... gaaa life is crazy and i am sick and tried of it. He throws a curve at you and you realize ... how very small you are and how much He Love's us! it is crazy thought ..but I love it :)

In other news apparently Quarry Park interpretive center burnt down last night! This is unbelievable and in many ways sad .. as pretty much all of the towns history was in that building. It is crazy to think it is all gone ....

anyway there is nothing else new on this end ...

tell next time ...

I hate red wine....

I hate it ! It makes people {mom} really drunk really fast ... then she runs her face and i can ignore it for .. so long then the frustration hits red and I react .. i don't want to but do and every time i hate myself after I do. It's what she wants - I have played right into her hand.. and I hate myself for it ...

Same with coming home. Why do I do it to myself ? because every time i do this happands! I know it will happen - yet inside I hope and pray and wish it will be different.. just once.. one visit and no mind games. It is almost if she does this because I am home I mean when i talk to her on the phone she rejoices over the fact that she only drinks once in a while and that she has cut back on the red wine.. yet it has been running nonstop since i have been home. It is almost as if she says and does these things to see how far she can push me until i snap and she has a reason to kick me out!

I hate this one breath she says I am worthless and can do nothing and in the next she says I am all she has ! Her and her new "F' the world attitude is getting old - she can only play the 'victim' card for so long!

Arg! this is so frustrating ! I need to tell her about this england thing This Week and I want her support , I would love her blessing - but I am petrified that she will think is retarded.. I know i am 23 and I have every right in the world to tell her to shove off because it is my life but I am scared she is going to guilt me .. thereby causing me to doubt - in my self and in what God has planned me me .......... DANG IT I DON'T WANT TO DOUBT - I AM SICK OF LOOKING AT EVERY ANGLE! - I JUST WANT TO JUMP!

i just want to jump - why can't she just get that- and let me go ....... why do I hope in something that is never going to be true ?

Today my Brain went 'Pop'

and it is only the 8th class in the semester! My day {or afternoon started with my Advanced Christian World-view class. In this class everything i have learned in the past 5 years here in regards to how to approach Youth ministry was challenged. Let me explain...

In the early beginnings of society everything that was learned in regards to morals, values and beliefs were instituted in us through the family. However since the family structure has changed so much this to had to change. The idea of schools changed this practice, offering different types of lessons in regard to growth and life skills. So to then did the church. Everything now is programs, programs, programs, a youth ministry does not function without programs for this, that or the other thing. Christians of today have seen the family unit and said 'wow they are lacking in these areas- we can make a program and help them with this problem. But in reality the idea is to help the family as a whole not just a part of it. The use of a programs in effect has weakened the family instead of making it stronger, because the family as a whole is not helped and lead as well they are unable to contribute in the spiritual lives of their kids. Instead they drop their kid off at youth group because this 'program' will help you- it is not my problem.... So the question is then if we as Christians , confessed believers of the Word of the Lord, do not understand the idea of helping the family unit as a whole - as God calls us to; where then do we get off creating program after program in the name of youth and family ministry?

As my head spun from that class I then ran to my Classics of Spiritual literature class where we talked about the Grace of God. Holy man ... Grace and mercy are completely different now then they where when I walked in. I am not sure how to exactly write what I mean so I will say this. When we read 'By grace we have been saved..' it seems so easy to grasp but in reality it is way deeper and crazier to comprehend... all I can think of to describe it is that we are crazy lucky to have a God that loves us the way he does.. because in our human nature we can not bare to see the glory of God yet the grace Of God .. allows it to, if only but a little of what it truly is....

I am sorry if this is confusing to follow but it was a crazy day .. you see why my Brain went "Pop"?

Today I have a piain in my Heart....

Today {Oct 02} is a tough day. Today is the 7th year since my brother passed away. My heart aches and every year it comes back and more then ever I realize that there was a time that I was not an only child. How quickly life can change. I wish that I did more with him , and above all I wish that I would have said I love you. I mean he knew I did but I wish I could have said it more. Life is short, none of use know when our time here is over. -- it is for this reason we should not take a single second we have for granted. Although I have learned this lesson the heard way - I still find myself getting 'comfortable' and missing out on what is around me.. This is something I struggle everyday to stop.

My heart is also torn as to what I am supposed to do with my life, this is my last 'year' at briercrest, in April I hope to graduate. Then the path gets dark and the light goes out and I find myself lost and unsure what to do and where to go. I have been thinking about going into web design as many of you know, however I am not sure what I could do with that. I am also being pulled more and more in the direction of something over seas... I think... I want so badly to go to England and work with the youth there, The question is however what would I do over there and how would I get there. These are big questions that are ripping at my heart! I know I know you are reading this and saying 'whoo slow down , finish one thing at a time' believe me that is what my mind is screaming at me.. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it.

A friend from crossworld mission is back for 2 days, she has talked to me for years about opportunities in England and telling crazy stories of what God is doing over there This makes me want to go more ! Then reality sets in {in the form of my mother} and I start to think it will never happen and I get discouraged because once again I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this life God has giving me. There must be a reason for everything I have experienced .. there has to be....

... wow I don't know where these crazy deep-esk posts come from at 2 am - I really don't........

One more thing...

For my friends back in Manitoba I am not going to LA for mod -- it didn't work out... However I will be home from the 19th of Oct to the 28th ..

ok now i am going to bed !

.....

Life has been crazy. School has kicked in to full swing and if one is not carefully, one could get swamped under tons of work really really fast. That being said I am proud to say all though I have a load of reading to do I am keeping up, slowly but surly I am.

One thing I have noticed now that I am going on to my 6th year here at school is that it is very easy to become cynical about the basic day to day activities here in this place. A professor once said that ' the longer you stay here {at briercrest} the further away you get from the word.' that is a frightening thought but in sad reality I am finding it more and more true. Not to say I am not reading the Word of God, but I am finding it harder and harder because in many ways it has turned into a textbook. Even though I am fighting these ideas and feelings, the Lord is still teaching me- teaching to trust and to come to Him as I am. That last thought is a hard one for me - because I am so sinful and unworthy - yet the gift He has given is free and to Him we are clothed in white. Yes because we are human we fall and sin daily but when we realize that we can't do life on our own (even though we despritly want to) we do a 180 and He leads us down the path He has choosen.

...Wow that was long .. longer then I had planed. I think now I am going to go to bed...

Post Post Post.....

So it has been a few days longer then I planed but here I am posting again. It was a crazy first week with everything starting up again for yet one more year. Then of course lets not forget the Gong show that the phone /net company is in this fine Provence. Needless to say I got phone and net service a week and a day after the original promised date... only after calling like 10 times !!! arg I miss my MTS.

In other news classes are going well .. if you see me ether around school (for those of you on campus that read this ) or back at home and I look like a truck hit me it is because of the classes this semester. If it is not trying to understand and rap my head around what Joel From is saying about world view - It will be from Cal and his classical lit class. Akkk what have I done! *shudder*

Tonight however I am off (after class) to Regina to one of it's many night clubs to go see MUTE MATH :D They came once before to Youth quake - so to see them again is crazy !!!

Anyway I need to run to my one class .. and learn things ... later

Year 6 starts

At this moment I am in the bean waiting to register because once again I got my net hook up from sasktell and once again they goofed so I have no phone /net until Thursday! Needless to say I am anything but impressed...

Anyway .. moving on... I am all moved in and it is an awesome room ( small in comparison but it has a shower !!!! ... the weekend however was not so cool mom was all over the place emotionally so that lead to more fights then anything else .. so that was a downer ..

However I just looked at the clock and I need to go register so i will continue with stories later

Have a great day !!!!

So the Summer has come to and end ....

So in 6 and a half hours I will be once again on the road back to school. It feels odd really that the summer has ended so fast .. I'm happy to be going back, yet at t he same time sad to be leaving right as it seems that I have gotten into some sort of weird rutene around here. That and miss all the cools stuff - like Sherrie and Eirik's wedding Social - I really wish I could be there ....


That being said .. I will hopefully *crosses figures* have phone and internet hooked up this weekend so I should be online on Sunday sometime.

Anyway I should be off .. i hate goodbyes .... it has be a crazy good summer! Thanks to all of you for including me :) in the stuff we did ...

Later !

Last week count down ....

4 days ! AHHHHHHH!!! (ok I'm done ) I have so meny people to see before I leave on Friday at 8 am. That being said - I hate goodbyes ! I want to go back to school but at the same time I do not want this week fly bye because it is full of goodbyes .. and it sucks ...

This last weekend however was awesome! Saturday plans changed sligtly and we, (Kev Jay Sherrie and Eirik-- sadly jess did not join us ) went to the pub at the forks for a 'happy b-day jay /goodbye me' thing and it was crazy funny - with many many one liners *snicker*- I love my friends :D Thank you all!!! In fact I may have a pic .. let me see if I can figure this blogger thing out .....

Ohhh look at that I figured out how ... sweet- go me ! I think I have perfected the camera face :) yes!!

Anyway all that is left for me is to see as many people out this way as I can before I leave 'friendly Manitoba' for four more months ..... good times !

time....

14 days... This time in two weeks, I will be driving in a packed van back to the place I have called "home" for the last 6 years. Crap! I have been there for 6 years after this year is done... thats crazy!

It blows me away how fast and slow time can go and sometimes doing both at the same time. I mean this summer is a perfect example; It has been long as I was unable to find work yet at the same time it has gone crazy fast! I mean frak! it's Quarry Days this weekend and in 2 weeks I'm gone ! Where did the last four months go ?

Looking back, this summer has been very humbling in a good way - not that I don't wish there was a way I could have made a little money, but because I didn't I was able to do things I never did in past summers it is was nice:) Not to mention the time I got to spend with my friends , rekindling friendships that have faded and just hanging out as a group, it was truly the best! .. thank you !

Not much more to type - I mean there is tons going on .. but that is a new post all together.... *sigh*.. maybe next time ...

Later !

There is a lot going on .. I really don't know what to think......

Life is strange.

Right when you think 'ok this is what's going on now I can do this .. I can deal, everything grins to a halt because instead of life going foreword, life starts down a crazy road that 12 years ago you swore would never be traveled again.

Now I am confused. I don't know what to think. . Part of me says yay he's back - it's good to see him - maybe just maybe he's changed. But then there is the other half that is scared to get hurt again. That mom will get hurt again or even worse in her state or idea of living now - will be the first one to hurt others this time... All I can do is watch and it sucks because I know this is anything but good and all I can do is watch ....

***

Ok in other more happier news ... I had one of the best weekends in a long time. I was able just to relax and hang out with my friends all weekend :) playing some pool and drinking at BP's with one crazy happy server haha. Even going to the drive -in - something I have only done once before.

Life is strange - right when it seems to suck and you think 'there is really nothing I can do' - it throws something good your way ....

Starting anew ....

It's time for change. Yes I have been on LJ since high school this is true. Although I haven't touched it in 5 or 6 months. With that said as I was looking back on many of those posts I realixed I was angry - with myself my family and others and it sucked ! (not to say I don't get angry anymore) but it is something I want to stop doing.



The year 2007 has been anything but happy or easy thus far. What I thought was a 'wonderful family' fill apart while I was away at school, leaving just mom and I in the house without a third party. That has been interesting to say the least. I have also been unable to find work this summer. at first this was frustrating but now as the summer is passing by I'm ok with it. ( not that being unemployed is a good thing) it just has allowed me to see things differently then I did in the past. I am trusting that the LORD will get me through for this coming year .. and in my head and my heart I know He will.

As for mom she still yells, screams, and over reacts over the littlest things but unlike other years I refuse to be sucked in to it - making a fight out something that is so little and pathetic - it has taken 7 years but I see now that by not yelling back all she hears is herself and hopeful one day she will chill out and relax .. but who knows ....

With this I start to a new happier chapter of my life. I am sick of being mad and angry. I want to be happy again.. I want to be me again .