new experences and old ones come back again....

Christmas was awesome ! in fact it was the first Christmas I have neather walked on aggshells for nor had to be fake to apease thoughs around me. It was a different Christmas but with famliy non the less.

It also however was an oppertunity to open up a part of me that I thought never again would I open. Inside i was content (or thought I was ) with the hell that had reaged up inside of me. In a conversation - this cane to light and after realuizing - I mey not be alone this time - I am baganing to take done the wall I have put up - In the past i thought I could handle it myself - now I know I can't.

This is not an issue - I am able to sweep away - I need to talk I need to write - and not be petrifide of asking for help

I have meny scars that will never go away I am learning that I have to move past them to heal not in them (and in a sick way) the confert that they bring.

This is the road now that must be travled - it's going to be hard and painful - i look around me and in my darkness there are shadows I try to run But to my serprize they are not there to hurt me - but to help me on this road that must be travled...

Break me to teach me....

Ok so I am written this post onehanded - thid is due to my right hand -being cracked and almost broken. For the next 2 months i will be the one handed wonder ....

I know already - that the next 2 months are going to be hard. It boilds down to the fact that I will be having to ask for more help then normal.. Now you read that and mostlikly are thinging " So of course you need help- your broken hellloooo" but that idea scares the crap out of me !

I have worked so hard growing up to do things myself - and to have to rely on others for help tarrifies me ... but like I am learning over and over again here this year - is THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ! this has been a reacrering theme for me the past 3 months ... yet still hard for me to grasp! I don't know why but it will not get through my thick head .....

THIS I KNOW FOR SURE GOD teaches in strange ways - I have fears and insucurites to work through .. so God if you need to break me to teach me - bring it on....

"Who am I...?. "

This is not only a really good song in a extremely well known musical ... it is also a really interesting question. One that I have been asking myself a lot lately ... " who am I?" - as a person , as a friend - and most importantly as a "child of God...?"

I was laying in my bed - and all I could think was " I honestly don't know who I am... and it really scared me. It was then that I realized that I have been everything "everyone else wants me to be" - F or year's growing up I agreeed with what people said to make them happy becoming who they wanted - beliving without questioning - agreed so much that I began to not want to figure out who I was as a person - as long as the people around me were happy - life was good... or so I thought

The problem that now resides is that I am lost - lost in a dark corador - a dark place -- with light to far away to see -with no idea what to do where to go - how to get there .. I am not saying that I am so screwed up I am unable to fuction - it is just I want with all of my being to be a new person - without fears - insecuties and unknows - I long to be secure and not scared of what I do not know - and the overwelming fear of failing - failing , me and thouse around me--- As well as God - I know he has a perpose for me - i am His child - but am I really making any headway ...?

I know i am loved by people and God - I just want so badly to figure out who I am - to final put this question to rest and all their fears behind me ....

It hurts so badly - to jump when their is a good possiblity that might just drowned - hoping with everything that in the end - you will come up allright ...

Life in a "perfect" world...

This is a strange post ... Strange in the sence that I'm really do not know where it will end up.. So I am sorry in advance ..

I haven't been able to thinking about a phone conversation I had with my Grandparents last night. They are 83 and I am the closest grandchild to them always have been and sure it will never change. Unlike past conversations I have had with them in the past, this one really stuck out. They said they really miss me.... this is huge .. here is why - i haven't been home full time for 6 years and for those six years the NEVER once said those words to me .. I know it seems small but it really hit me you know ..

Then I began to wonder what life would be like if I could relive the last 7 years ... and life didn't fall apart .. what would life be life if my brother did not die, and was here today. Would I have gone to school out of Provence - would I be in Alberta now ... Would my mom not be crazy - and still kind of there . because her life had not fallen apart ....

The truth is I have no idea - part of me want to think mom would be slightly more sain , but then again who reall knows... There is one big thing I wish could have happaned - I wish I could have introduced Dan to all my friends .. he always was worried about me - he never admited it but he always wanted me to be loved by people who truly cared for me ....

I wish I could brag about my little brother - reashering him that I am loved safe and sound ....

Everything in life happans for a reason - life is never perfect - even though there are days we wish the hell we are living through (or have lived through) wasn't there and would just go away ... but the hardships we indure build charactor in us- so we are able to move forword through the valley so we can start the climb again ...

I really hope crazy is not in my DNA

Ok so it has been a few weeks since I have written anything .. this is an Update / rant (viewer discretion is advised)

So after moving into the basement of the house I will be here for the next year - I went on the Job hunt - I live 5 minutes away from an IGA so I started there - and 2 hours after I droped a resume off they called and the next day I was hired after a 10 MINIUTE intervew - I got full time work ) So naturaly I wanted to give everything i had - however after one shift and a handful of hours of crappy training .. I relized I could not clean the massive chicken rotiseray ( so after going to my boss - she told me if I could not do it - don't try .... she knew I had a disiblitay I told her and still that was her responce.... So i said thanks anyway - and went to walmart ... where now I am a greeter making 10. 25 /hour ... .so in short SCREW YOU IGA!

In other news my my mother is crazy !... ok well that is old news - but still the wonds open again and again - with out a chance to heal .... time and time again - she freakes out over the littlest things - making me this horrible person unable to make desent destions about my life at the age of 24 .... I can't belive how little it takes to set her off - My grandma is doing the same thing ... oh I hope Crazy is not in my DNA....

I am loved by God and the friends /"famliy" I have here Love me for me they see me for me - screw up /product of my upbringing and all ....

I just want to break the cycle - of darkness ...... I want to be different I wish mom could learn to see it .....

A simple way to look at things....

It is amazing what random but insightful things can come out of people late at night..

Here is what I mean ...

Tori-ism: being at the center of God's will is the most dangerous and safe place you can be. God has it planned all along. If you live, He had it planned, you keep getting to do His will. If you die, party at His place!

The truth is in the middle- In the quite - I'm learning to be still..

*Tori-ism- random things said by Victoria !*

a new day ...

"I don't know what to do" This has been the stamnent that has been running though my head all night. ( well since 5:30) this afternoon .... the reason ... I got my second rejection notice for my UK visa ( the first appeal i did in June - still isn't back yet ..)

I got home tonight and really honestly did not know what to think - or what to do - nether did my friends .. they where as blown away as i was ....

So after a good cry and a small pity party - that included an apprentice from greesy KFC- I took a deep breath- ready to start again - I have been looking into cross world /Ywam - I am not sure what or when to tell Oasis...

As much as I am lost and not very fond of the unknown (or the UK governemt/World bridge) for that matter - again I am reminded that God is in control .... My sea is getting a little wild - I am just waiting on Jesus to speak and calm it down ....

Until then I wait - learn -and lisen ... because S**T happands - I just need to reemember to flush ...