The Mind of a Small Person

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

2009-05-18T01:10:00.002-05:00

I love simple things ... and it isn't very often that i get to be simple -- and do crazy things like singing Rudolph the red noise reindeer" in BP's just cuz we can it was awesome ! -- sadly it doesn't happen much ... I was life wasn't so complicated .. i wish i could be happy when i wake up and be ok with it not freaked by it -- i can't wait for that day .. there i days that i am the stupidest person ever ... just because I am messed up doesn't mean i want to stay that way... i really want to change -- i just suck at it .....

I am going to try to do better - I know i have to i know that negativity isn't cool - and i don't like it and i am not a fan of being stuck in it ... for those i may have upset i am sorry .. i really am ....

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

theme???

2009-05-10T18:27:00.002-05:00

I just found my theme for this past year ...

If you want to get out alive
oh, run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If you want to get out alive
(If you want to get out alive)
oh, run for your life

yup yup that's it

.....

2009-05-10T15:07:00.002-05:00

I hate the saying " we all in one way or another become our parents ..." -- man if that's true -- i am so up a creek without a paddle it's not even funny ! today is mothers day - it is an awesome day - celebrating moms and what they do. it is also the day i am reminded THAT I WILL NEVER BE ONE ! this family ends with me -- and thats it - no more messed up kids -- i will be the last !

life is to damn short - why most we fight and wine over the smallest things - and then at the end of the day when the time is past and you realize it is way to late -- kick ours selfs in the ass and live with that giult for the rest our our lives ???? -- if anything has not the lost of a son, cousin, nefew , grandson - mean anything to you people .... I mean REALLY ?!?

every year I am reminded that this family - and all it's F-up-ness ends with me .....at least on this side anyway...

I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

2009-04-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

Tonight has been a very interesting night.... my head really hurts ( literally, ) and my chest is heavy. you may not understand - since my last post was all cherry -like about easter. here let me try and explain what I mean ....

This year has been full of many things.. most off the healing verity .. and one big theme FORGIVENESS -- (this i haven't quite grasped yet )...As for healing it is by no means is wrong in anyway-- In fact it is awesome ! -- however the way my life has been the last few months is this just when things get calm and "ok" I get this overwhelming feeling that most times comes with frustration and angry and I hate it!! First because it is a feeling of-what the crap why am I angry - then its an overwhelming feeling off numbness and like someone is latched on to me - making my walking heaver then normal ( and we all know it's heavy at the best of times... lol) It scares me because I know it isn't me -- it is who I was- not who I want t to be now... Anyway I haven't felt it in at least a little over a month --- and tonight it hit me - like a left hook to the kidney ..( during the spiritual warfare class i am in .. shock shock surprise surprise)

It is honestly THE WORST feeling ever because you know what it is but it will not go away and you just want to feel something and even at times wish the voices would stop talking long enough for you to hear yourself think. I hate unexplained anger , the unexplained urge to hit something really hard - just to feel -- kills me inside because I KNOW I am so much more then that !!!!

And to end an interesting night I got out of the jeep and smacked my head on the cement.. saw some blue floaty things and am now contemplating when I should sleep I know it should be soon as I work tomorrow....

Thank you God for loving me through my anger and frustration ... I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Easter - (the best time of year )

2009-04-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been - interesting....

In the past few weeks - I have acquired myself full time work at the bottle deapo - thereby being able to finally have the freedom to leave wal-mart (yay) as well as the heath food store! ( don't get me wrong I have been grateful for both opportunities) however it will be nice to have 1 steady generated hours job. People think I am crazy to be happy to have my days full of manual labour - like sorting bottles... but I think it is because I enjoy proving to people just because I have a disability - it doesn't mean all i am able to do is stand and "greet" people - I think thats why i enjoy the feeling of having been able to do something with my days....

This past week was Easter ( best time of the year) Good friday - I was able to see the death Of Jesus in again a whole new light .. and it was really neat... Good Friday - in all respects was the ultimate choice .... I had always only seen the 2 thieves that died with Jesus as just that 2 thieves... .. however after friday - I will never see them the same again.. -- those 2 men beside Jesus were the true example for us all ... One died in love and peace - and one died in Sin and death .... That is one crazy thought and it blows my mind to think about it !

Sunday was a serprizing day -- I got to have Easter dinner - something I was so not expecting and it was amazing ! I really don't think I have ever seen a bird that big !

All and all it has been a crazy few weeks - it's been good !

I want to escape - can someone show me how .....

2009-04-01T21:37:00.003-05:00

I'm frustrated .... I have a knot in my gut ..... every-time life seems to be going good - .. mom calls and life comes to a halt like at the top of the massive 'rollercoster of life" and starts to drag me down again .... I try to ignore her words - her guilt, her tone - but still it grabs me like rope and pulls -- and I hate it! -

And she wonders why I was so dead set that she does NOT sell my punching bag ! gaa ! she is the reason I got it in the fist place -- ... " must preserve the image of the family - can't let friends and family know what a screwed kid I have" you have no idea the pain you have caused - the sleepless nights - the tears I have cried -- I move 20 hours away and still you have a hold on me !

I am not that little helpless girl anymore -- I am not your "shit-stick-punching bag" -- I want to step out of that and became who I am meant to be -- yet you still grab me and pull me in - making it impossible to escape.

It is obvious that you hate everything about me - so why do you try and care - unless you mean it - it is a waste of your time and mine !

I learned a long time ago that "my mom" died that cold Oct day in 2000 - all thats left is a shadow that wishes she were dead ....

God through music .... hmmmmm

2009-03-29T00:58:00.004-05:00

These hit home tonight - i haven't listened to Creed in a very long time.. it is interesting because I know i listened to them a lot when I was trying to figure life out in 2001.....

My Own Prison lyrics

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time{repeat}

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
((And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one) I created I created
My own prison

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

*****
Faceless Man lyrics

I spent a day by the river
It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all that's real
It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
I said it's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Now I saw a face on the water
It looked humble but willing to fight
I saw the will of a warrior
His yoke is easy and His burden is light

He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right
He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right

Again I stand. Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand. Lord, God I stand,
against the Faceless Man

'Cause if the face inside can't see the light
I know I'll have to walk alone
And if I walk alone to the other side
I know I might not make it home

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away
Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

**

Wrong Way lyrics

What makes you touch?
What makes you feel?
What makes you stop and smell the roses in an open field?
What makes you unclean?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah

What makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
What makes our youth run
From the thought that we might die?
What makes you bleed?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah

Somebody told me the wrong way
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Somebody told me the wrong way

What if I died?
What did I give?
I hope it was an answer so you might live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live...live

*****
the entire cd "human clay" has the same message ..
I just think it is interesting ....

It's almost been at a year......

2009-03-26T23:40:00.002-05:00

It's almost been a year.

Last year I was getting ready to graduate
Finishing up last minute assigments and perparing for what I thought life would be
Fast forward now to today - Life is in every way differnt then i thought it would be. It has been a crazy emotionally ride - but in a big way refreshing. (excited, scared, confused , angry . content. hurt . really angry . really scared) As you can see life hasn't really plat-owed or has never been given the chance to do so.

It has been a year - a year that I have been suronded with people that love me for me
Even if I don't except it or understand it at times. (although i am trying ) It has been a year since i have been blown up at ( in person) pushed agenst a wall or thrown to a floor- it;s a nice feeling.

I have realized through this time away from what i have thought for years a 'normal' That one of my biggesest issues is i am in denal - or at leat I have been. I am slowly (with help) steping out of that. I didn't realize how much the truth hurts when you are confronted with the fact that the names and Ideas you have been called for years were not true. Believe me you get told something long enough you start to see it as true even when you know it is not. At the time the truth gets pushed so far back that when you have to dig it up again it rips you up inside.

One thing I have learned however and it continually gets hammered into me - is that even though it hurts now it will be better tomorrow - for this 'hurt is a good hurt' - It strengthens you and makes you whole.

I now in my heart that the road I am on is the right one - and I know there will be times I want to turn tail and run.

But in the end this time I am not alone and that excites me !

It's almost been at a year......

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-03-24T00:52:00.002-05:00

I AM SO ANGRY
SO PISSED
SO ANNYED !
I LOVE HOW I HAVE TO CONTINUALLY TELL MY MANAGER THAT I CA'T WORK DAY I HAVE BOOKED OFF!
I AM SICK OF BEING SCREWD OVER !

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
TIME FOR A NEW JOB

GAA I HATE WALMART !

I don't get it -- can someone please explain ?

2009-03-21T21:52:00.002-05:00

My head is swimming right now ....

I don't get it !

Why does everything fall on me ?
And for the love of all that is good and holy WHY OH IS IT A GUILT TRIP!
Now every time I talk to my mother -- she wants to know when I am coming home !
the truth I don't know yet - I have an idea but it isn't in stone! and in all honesty
I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!
home scares me - I don't want to walk on egg shells! scared that if I breath wrong I am going to be told what a pathetic loser I am !
told that I will go no where with the degree of nothing I have and why the heel did I go to school for a degree that - will get me very little money for ... because oh I forgot that is what it's all about - MY BAD !

but now her big thing is " think of your grandparents -- you have to come home to see them ! they will most likely not live much longer .."

funny thing is I am the only one who gets that line - I am not stupid I know they are old I know they will die. but if I am gone and they do what am i going to do !
I love them I do! but PLEASE PLEASE don't use them as freaking bargaining chips !

~Man i could really use a drink right now!

I really want to email my mom and tell her I am not coming home- I mean if SHE HAS TO SEE ME ... then get in a freakjing plane and COME AND SEE ME ! -- oh wait I forgot ... that will make her life be put on hold !! *gasp* she made it very clear that I was not to come home to stay because she WASNT looking after me !

well guess what - manitoba is where I grew up -=yes - but never again will it be my home !

I hate GUILT trips - they are a real waste of time!

New Chapters ...

2009-03-08T23:37:00.002-05:00

New Chapters -

The chapters in the book of my life seem short these days.
Compared to the one almost never ending college chapter....
Each Chapter brings with it New, exciting, and most times challegeing events ...
Grated most challeges tend to bleed through-out the smaller chapters ..
Since i have kept them locked away for so long..

The only way out is up -I just need to climb...

Became a memeber of my Church today ...
Started filling out my Missions app - didn't relize how much denile I am in..
Thought i could get by with just letting everything roll off my back - My face answered that ..

New Challeges- on the road ahead of me ...

Cooling off the rage that burns inside .. maybe someday be happy
And forgiving - those who don't think the NEED to appologize..
'You have played a big part in who I am today.. if only you could see how much it hurt me inside...'

These are the new chapters - the next page is blank what I make of it - is up to me ....

to much to ask...

2009-03-04T00:49:00.002-06:00

I bruised my face tonight...

why am i so stupid - it took away some of the anger - now i can see straight
why cant i be like a normal person and crawl into a corner and cry... instead it comes in stages - and stops - not coming when i want it to ....

I hit myself until i bruised - instead of tears - i feel shame - what is wrong with me?

God why can't I do anything the normal way - I want to escape this but every-time i start to get out - i crawl back into it because it is what i know

- screw what I know - i want what i don't know .... is that so much to ask for?

Pain is my life - I wish you would get that .....

2009-03-03T23:32:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to say - all i know is I am freaking pissed !
The one day i show the world a sliver of the pain i am in ALL THE TIME - it is the freaking end of the world !
I hate being weak - showing my pain to a world that looks at me like I am already freaking waste of time kills me!
Al I want to do is through my fist through th nearest wall - I am so pissed - i try with everything have to do what i have to do without falling over and NEVER GETTING UP AGAIN but oh my goodness the poor disabled girl is having a bad day - the world is going to HELL !!! -

PAIN IS MY WORLD GOD FORBID IT THAT SOMEDAY YOU SEE ME FIGHT WITH IT !!!

The tears burn as they run down my face... I'm crying over crap i cant change - what the hell !!

2009-02-21T00:08:00.003-06:00

In the Last 30 minuets I have fallen more then I have in 3 months !
The lower half of me is refusing to work -
and in the grand skeem of it all falling is the easy part.....
It's getting up that kills me ! - trying with all I have to make them move and all they do is drag !

I just want to Work right - One day with no pain -
One day without fear if the graind will grab me and send me flying !

GAAA I hate crying over things I can not change - but here I am - tears of frustration are falling and they want stop !

Some days I feel like i am stuck and I can't move !- I just can't move !

Love + Respect and Fear = Holiness

2009-02-08T13:46:00.005-06:00

So I have been thinking - this the last week - and it is amazing to me how when God wants you to grasp something - He keeps bringing it up over and over and over again....

The last few weeks have been interesting - in a sense that a lot of what of what i believed to be safe and normal is not. I am also begining to understand that there is a whole lot of who God is that I have ignored or when it was told to me I have not liked to hear about it. So in essence I am closing myself of to a huge part of who the Lord is to be....

let me explain

Last week at church the idea of the amazing Holiness of God was preached. I thought it was really good and I knew that i needed to hear it - but did not realize to what extent. So seeing as I need things enplaned logically for me to understand and grasp them - I took the idea the Lord as "king"- and us as subjects - and explained it to myself this way -

In the mid-evil world - when there was an appointed King over the lands and it's people, His subjects did 3 things in regrades to that king. They 1) loved him (assuming of course he was a loving and good king) 2) Respected Him and above all 3) they feared him. They knew the power he had at his disposal, and what he could do with it if he wished. If the day came and the fear and respect for that king was no longer there - wow man look out! You where punished and then you died. (nobles, a noble death - beheading , and presents - anything could happen to them)

Coming back to God - I was listening the other day to a Sermon jam - and these words hit like they have never hit before... (enter holy 2x4 here)

"...Here stands God on the day of creation, He looks at the stars and says 'all you star's move yourself in this place, and start in this order and move in a circle and move exactly as I tell you until I give you another word! And they all obey Him. Planets pick yourself up and whirl, make this formation, at my commend until I give you another word. - He looks at Mountains and says - 'be lifted up' and they obey Him. He tells valley's 'be cased down' and they obey Him. He looks at the sea and say's 'you will come so far' and the sea OBEYS!... aand then he looks at you and says 'come' and you go NO!....

"

K so using the above analogical after reading this quote -- I ask this one thing .." Where the heck do we get off telling the King of All "NO" !?!? and not expect there to be some sort of retaliation or punishment coming our way ???

I do not understand how stupid we can honestly be - if a nobleman told the king he had pledged to serve - " I love you- but as for the respect and fear that comes with it goes ... NO!" he would loose his head so fast- he would not have time to take those words back....

This is how I see it --- Love for God + Respect and Fear for God = Holiness for Him....

I have the first part of the eqastion down - now it is time learn parts 2 and 3!

Part 2- "A crack in a Closed Door "

2009-02-01T00:03:00.005-06:00

ok where was I ...

oh ya the Short story thing I was talking about ....

Ok so a little context I guess before hand - so you don't think I am all depressive and dark ( well ok there is some of that in me but I'm working on it- really) anyway I digress ....

What started as a normal conversation last night ended really deep with a lot of stuff said that I never thought would come out.. Anyway there was a lot of admitting on my end and wishing I could act and begin to defend myself - but in reality stepping into safety - scares the crap out of me- and as much as I want to I cant....here is a story to best describe this feeling I have stuck inside of me.

<A crack in a Closed Door

The room at the end of the hall was small. It had only enough room for two people and a chair at most. The young women looked at that old paint chipped door in fear- she knew what awaited her there. She had been there many times before, growing up little, unable to say anything, to scream for help. Now she was grown- strong enough this time-she was sure - to put an end to the torment of being forced into that dark musky room, and tied to that chair. She hoped this time she could at least see the figure in front of her - the one who took such joy in making her bleed.

She held her breath as the old paint chipped door -squeaked open - she new what that meant - with her head down she slowly made her way into the room - and sat in the chair - she knew the routine - and she also knew what would happen if she tried to fight back - her entire being wanted nothing more then to run and never look back - but she had tried that before - but always it seemed she would end up back in this same old room - it was almost as if there was no escaping it.

As her hands where being tried on the arm rests beside her - she began to brace herself for what was to come next - it would hurt - she knew that all to well - but what was always a mystery was how long it would last - sometimes it was an hour and other times it was days -weeks even.

Instead of looking down like she always had before she looked up - but only a little- so the other person wouldn't notice. As she looked up she saw something she had never seen in that old door before -- about two inches from the bottom there was a crack - not big enough to be noticed right away - but it maybe was big enough for someone who was walking by to see or hear what was going on inside.

The main light was turned off now and a hot swing lamp was turned on over her head- it was bright - it's purpose - he could see what he was hitting but she could not see him -- what he didn't know what she could see the crack - it was on this that she concentrated on.

It began - her head swam as it was knocked to one side- she could taste iron - she knew she was bleeding- she turned to look at the door - *smack* the fist echoed in the somewhat hollow room. But still when she turned all she looked for was the door.

Time had stood still - she had forgotten how long she had been tied to that chair. Her face was tight and swollen and she could barely see out of the slits that were once her eyes - the smell of blood hung in the air she knew she had been there for a long time.

She wanted nothing more then to say 'stop please please stop' - she knew she should scream - maybe someone would hear- but she could do nothing her voice was gone - just like when she was a child - age hadn't changed anything - whether she liked it or not all she could do was turn and take another hit- she knew nothing else - and to her sadly it was safe - she knew what was coming next and she knew how to react to it. It was a distinctive kind of safe - but to her that was all that mattered

One thing was different however - there was a crack in that old paint chipped door...

~~~

Yesterday's excitment ...

2009-01-31T14:43:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was an amazing night with the ladies - and then we left our nice warm restaurant - only to realize while we where sitting enjoying our dinner of "yummy-ness" it had decided to blizzard out side - i mean ok it is January and this is normal-ish but it was crazy -- (man i am so out of practice haha ) After we got home I had a very interesting conversation with a friend that sent me to bed thinking about a lot of stuff -- but one analogy stuck in my head all night -- so much so - i wrote a short story -- however I have to get ready for work ... tonight I will share with you the story ...

Until then back to my blast from the past - good old Xena the Warrior Princess ! - I have forgotten how much I enjoy Greek Mythology and Lore - ( yes I am a dork - laugh and move on )

Until tonight .....

And yet life takes another turn.....

2009-01-29T00:45:00.004-06:00

So I got a second job and i start tomorrow yay me - I have been completely up front with walmart telling them what i am doing - and once i got the job I have spent the last two days tring to figure out a plan that would work for both walmart and I .. and here is what happened ....

so i came in to work with my plan - that i would come in the evenings and Saturdays bla bla bla and once march comes along i would be available tusday - Thursday and Saturdays again

and sherron ( my front end manager) was in the room along with -- we shell call her "she-cow .." ( lets just say she has had an issue with teaching me new things since i started )

Anyway i laid out my plan and right away 'she -cow" was like "you cant work 2 shifts thats to hard" and i was like "look for 4 months this summer i worked 16-17 hour days and was fine ..." she scoffed at me like she didn't believe me - at this point i started to fum inside- but was un able to say anything

So sherron said she would talk to Niles the Manager and figure something out ---

at this point i know that come the end of June I am done - for the summer - and if they cant work it out ( which i am sure they will because they cant afford to lose anyone else )but if they choose to let me go, then im ok with that -- I would be annoyed by it because i know that i was thinking of the best way to help them out and they still didn't get it but i would still say ok fine see ya .....

I'm just frustrated because they see that my lags don't work and right away assume I can do nothing

So at the moment i can do no more until Saturday - agg stupid people annoy me ...

I just need to tell / make myself not to worry about it because God is in control ..... all i want to do is sleep I have to work at 830 am....

Annoyed...

2009-01-25T23:43:00.002-06:00

Annoyed... that's what I am.... I hate sleep!

This is not a normal response to an relaxing event such as sleep.. but is seems lately for the past month I have been having extremely vivid nightmares - or have had the extreme 'privilege' of waking up every half on the hour .. all night... Today I went for what I hoped to be a sweet little nap - Nope. No luck..- insted it felt like I was being smothered -- for who knows how long....

This show is getting old and I wish could turn the channal - or at least turn it off and never see it again...

See why I am annoyed.....

.... This odd feeling inside...

2009-01-23T23:53:00.002-06:00

I feel odd right now. I am not sure why because all and all I had a really good day! helped out at the daycare which is always a highlight when I get to do it- then i was able to hangs with some sweet friemds watching a moive at youth.. I laughed it was fun. Even tonight I laughed with those same people- yet at the same time I feell odd.

And no it is not because I am odd (because to a point this is true) It's like the 'hey I just want to get into a fist fight right now' odd... and those who know me look at me and smirk and say 'ha - you can't fight what are you thinking you can barely stand ' - even I look at me and think that! - I know i would never be able to fight back - and I would get the everything kicked out of me.. maybe that's the point - maybe in my little sick twisted mind - to feel pain like that would be a release. a release of everything in me i push down daily - to be sure a smile floats to the surface-- to insure all that i am ok... everything is ok ....

I got dvd's in the mail the other day - and as i sat skimming through them- i realized what my life was - a life time ago.. I was a happy little kid. I saw a dvd of our 15th birthday- it made me smile - then it hit me that a year and 2 months later- my life would change forever - the count down was on and we didn't even realize it. As i watched it shocked me how much I had forgot( i mean not literally forget ) but i didn't realize how much I had forgotten about him - thats sick - he was my brother and i had forgot his voice! how in the world could i have done that!

I would give anything to hear him or see him right now... I feel horrible or i guess I always have really - for not protecting him more - i mean i'm older - (and as a twin that means everything) He was the calm and cool one- happy with whatever he got or had to go through - i made it seem like it rolled off of me like it didn't matter - oh but it did i hated the fact that he was happy and ok with everything - and now i wish i had embraced it. .. I miss him - I miss that part of me that made me happy and everything fit together - since that piece has been gone I have faked and chocked on being happy - to the point of not remembering what it is..

I want the world I have now- to fit together - I want to remember what true happiness and joy is - I realize now that ignoring the joy that was in front of and beside me for 16 years was the biggest mistake of my life- and it sucks

I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention! - it's killing me inside -

Why can't I just be sad ? crumple into a ball until i pass out like a normal person?? No - my sadness comes out in anger this is what I have learned about myself -- maybe that's why i want someone to kick the everything out of me - because than I know i can cry - it's how I have done it for years- I get kicked (physically or emotionally ) and then I cry .... and everything - related or not comes out...

There has to be another way to feel what i feel and let it out - but as to what end I have no idea ....

I am starting to see now how messed i really am - and I'm scaring me....

Random thought

2009-01-20T00:16:00.002-06:00

After reading and going through Romans 1 Sunday night , it is amazing how prominent it is when watching a movie like Gladiator.....

Y I know it is random -- however it was all I could think about while watching the movie tonight ...

~~~END~~~

It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

2009-01-18T23:22:00.004-06:00

I am not sure where this is going to go - just a heads up ....

When all is said and done for the day- as I sit on my bed , in the quite my mind starts to run through things and conversations I had had that day. This day involved a conversation with my mom. As i ran back through that conversation I started to think of the talks we have had that have not ended so well - and it made me realize something I had not seen before. She has never ever truly apologized for anything she has done or said- yes she has written emails and said it in passing-( but most times it is me saying sorry and taking the blame that isn't mine) I would love to take these times and say that she means what she is saying - but I am really not sure....

That being said I have come to understand it this way - it is like a band aid.. meant to cover the wound for a time in hopes that it will heal some times in the near future - easy fix and move on... THAT DOESN'T WORK ! Because at the end of the day band aids- fall off or in my case get ripped off - thereby exposing the wound to more pain making it impossible to heal . What needs to happen I have come to realize is that those areas that right now are forbidden to heal- they need to be cauterized. That is the only way I can see these holes being able to shut. The dead infected flesh needs to be burnt away - for new healthy flesh to grow and replace it.

Having red hot medal - touch you is never fun- but in order to close a wound it is often necessary - in order to prevent or draw out infection that has or will set in - if the area is left untreated.

There is a lot of me that has been left alone - with easy to rip off band aids - in hopes that it will fix the issue- I realize now that a more evasive course of action most occur...

Now only to find a red hot piece of steal ..... It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

God please take this pain away .....

2009-01-15T21:23:00.003-06:00

I hate the quite .. most people find it relaxing and soothing .. but I hate it. I don't know if it is the fact that I have slept barely at at all the past two neighs or what it is.. but I am really angry .. I don't know why and its is bothering me.. I don't like feeling angry even when there is a reason - but when there is not - and these feelings of rage fly up from no where - it scares me....

Writing right now is saving me .... because what I really want to do is hit something until I bleed -because it would hurt but at the same time feel really really good ... arg! - how does that work !?! The war inside me is raging and it feels like I am being ripped apart! and I hate it!

I know in my head that everything I am feeling are lies ... but that still does not stop the pain.. the ripping that I would give anything to stop....

God please take this pain away .....

What did I do ?

2009-01-10T04:11:00.002-06:00

It's 3 am - and I really should be sleeping.
I sat on my bed to pray tonight and started to think.
I know my life has played out this way for a reason
I know that being brought up in the family I was - had a purpose.
I even, in my heart know that losing my brother -when I did had to happen.

What i don't get - and don't think I ever will
Is - how I was the brunt of all her angry?
I lost my family to- I was dealing to!

Growing up, my mother was my world
At least she loved me.
What did I do to make her see me -
As this horrible - waste of life -
That should of died - instead of my twin!

Words we say we can never take back
and the words you have said - will be with me always
It's bad enough I know Dad - want's nothing to do with me

There are times I have felt and still feel that you would be happy
If I was gone - you could have your life back ...
I know that you are angry
Because you spent the better half of your life
living a life you have said you never wanted

You push me now to figure out who or what I am 'supposed' to be
"Figure out your life to I can finally live mine.."
You think it is easy - well guess what it's not!
I have no idea who I am ! - I am everything everyone wants me to be!

I hate Fake - so therefore I hate myself !
I hate that feeling - it makes me sick inside!

I am learning that I am loved - and it hurts because
You would think that I would know what it felt like
Prier to being 24... But the love I grow up with was anything but that.

Your words will always be with me
So this is my question for you
What did I do to make you hate me ?
Really what did i do ?
~~~

Sorry it's so long - maybe I can sleep now ....

It Makes me wonder ....

2009-01-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

It makes me wonder - how it is that i have turned out the way i have.. My friend's look at me and what i come from and are surprised that I am not more messed up then I already am. and in many ways I wonder that to ... I have always tried to imagine what life would be like with "normal loving " parents - how different my life would be ....

I was writing a few days ago - and strangely enough it wasn't what I usually write about - but it still was straight and to the point .. I know that there is truth in it - however to tell him would be useless ... it seems the freedom of being honest and truthful with my parents doesn't exist - because as much as it would feel amazing to make them sit while i proceed to tell them how i felt or what they have done - I know in my heart that it would fall on deaf ears and a whole lot of denial.... until then I can only imagine a day that they will realize how much they have alienated themselves from me... seeing how I have grown from them - wanting to be nothing like them but to find out truly who I am meant to be...

~~~~~

It’s dark, late, and I’m tried.
I pray only for sleep.
But it doesn’t come, it hasn’t for a while.
My mind is active again… active when it should be resting.

The thoughts that keep playing are the ones I wish would go away.
I try to think of something.
Anything but nothing helps.
For years I swore it didn’t bother me, that it, was my life nothing more.

I told myself to deal, get through it and move on.
I made myself believe that you could never hurt me.
I won’t let you.

Denial
Excuses
Lies
Let downs

Everything you pulled I took the brunt of–
I took it! So no one else would have to.
I did everything I could to protect my brother.
From the pain you caused him- for years.

Did it ever occur to you that all we ever wanted was for you to be there?
Obviously it never did.
You never cared how bad your words cut into us.
Left scars that will never leave.

It crashed down the day you found out Dan was dying.
For some reason you though if you came to the hospital all would be forgiven.
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.

I wasn’t thinking then.
I thought that you would change.
Realizing life is short.
To short, everyday can be in fact our last.

Nothing has changed.
Not in 7 years, Nor 24.
It was clear from the day you saw us
You couldn’t handle it.

Well Hindsight is 20/20.
I realize now how much time I wasted on you.
Part of me hates you, for giving up on us.
For never getting to know us the way you should have.
A sliver of me still has hope for you …

I’m sick of getting my hopes up
Sick of trying,
Sick of the pain,
You have done it for the last time.

Now it’s your turn
It’s time for you to Step up.

Guess what … we are yours.
There’s no denying no matter how hard you try.

Try to be a Father …
All I ask is that you try.
Is that so much to ask?