that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

I love simple things ... and it isn't very often that i get to be simple -- and do crazy things like singing Rudolph the red noise reindeer" in BP's just cuz we can it was awesome ! -- sadly it doesn't happen much ... I was life wasn't so complicated .. i wish i could be happy when i wake up and be ok with it not freaked by it -- i can't wait for that day .. there i days that i am the stupidest person ever ... just because I am messed up doesn't mean i want to stay that way... i really want to change -- i just suck at it .....

I am going to try to do better - I know i have to i know that negativity isn't cool - and i don't like it and i am not a fan of being stuck in it ... for those i may have upset i am sorry .. i really am ....

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

theme???

I just found my theme for this past year ...

If you want to get out alive
oh, run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If you want to get out alive
(If you want to get out alive)
oh, run for your life


yup yup that's it

.....

I hate the saying " we all in one way or another become our parents ..." -- man if that's true -- i am so up a creek without a paddle it's not even funny ! today is mothers day - it is an awesome day - celebrating moms and what they do. it is also the day i am reminded THAT I WILL NEVER BE ONE ! this family ends with me -- and thats it - no more messed up kids -- i will be the last !

life is to damn short - why most we fight and wine over the smallest things - and then at the end of the day when the time is past and you realize it is way to late -- kick ours selfs in the ass and live with that giult for the rest our our lives ???? -- if anything has not the lost of a son, cousin, nefew , grandson - mean anything to you people .... I mean REALLY ?!?

every year I am reminded that this family - and all it's F-up-ness ends with me .....at least on this side anyway...

I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Tonight has been a very interesting night.... my head really hurts ( literally, ) and my chest is heavy. you may not understand - since my last post was all cherry -like about easter. here let me try and explain what I mean ....

This year has been full of many things.. most off the healing verity .. and one big theme FORGIVENESS -- (this i haven't quite grasped yet )...As for healing it is by no means is wrong in anyway-- In fact it is awesome ! -- however the way my life has been the last few months is this just when things get calm and "ok" I get this overwhelming feeling that most times comes with frustration and angry and I hate it!! First because it is a feeling of-what the crap why am I angry - then its an overwhelming feeling off numbness and like someone is latched on to me - making my walking heaver then normal ( and we all know it's heavy at the best of times... lol) It scares me because I know it isn't me -- it is who I was- not who I want t to be now... Anyway I haven't felt it in at least a little over a month --- and tonight it hit me - like a left hook to the kidney ..( during the spiritual warfare class i am in .. shock shock surprise surprise)

It is honestly THE WORST feeling ever because you know what it is but it will not go away and you just want to feel something and even at times wish the voices would stop talking long enough for you to hear yourself think. I hate unexplained anger , the unexplained urge to hit something really hard - just to feel -- kills me inside because I KNOW I am so much more then that !!!!

And to end an interesting night I got out of the jeep and smacked my head on the cement.. saw some blue floaty things and am now contemplating when I should sleep I know it should be soon as I work tomorrow....


Thank you God for loving me through my anger and frustration ... I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Easter - (the best time of year )

The past few weeks have been - interesting....

In the past few weeks - I have acquired myself full time work at the bottle deapo - thereby being able to finally have the freedom to leave wal-mart (yay) as well as the heath food store! ( don't get me wrong I have been grateful for both opportunities) however it will be nice to have 1 steady generated hours job. People think I am crazy to be happy to have my days full of manual labour - like sorting bottles... but I think it is because I enjoy proving to people just because I have a disability - it doesn't mean all i am able to do is stand and "greet" people - I think thats why i enjoy the feeling of having been able to do something with my days....

This past week was Easter ( best time of the year) Good friday - I was able to see the death Of Jesus in again a whole new light .. and it was really neat... Good Friday - in all respects was the ultimate choice .... I had always only seen the 2 thieves that died with Jesus as just that 2 thieves... .. however after friday - I will never see them the same again.. -- those 2 men beside Jesus were the true example for us all ... One died in love and peace - and one died in Sin and death .... That is one crazy thought and it blows my mind to think about it !

Sunday was a serprizing day -- I got to have Easter dinner - something I was so not expecting and it was amazing ! I really don't think I have ever seen a bird that big !

All and all it has been a crazy few weeks - it's been good !

I want to escape - can someone show me how .....

I'm frustrated .... I have a knot in my gut ..... every-time life seems to be going good - .. mom calls and life comes to a halt like at the top of the massive 'rollercoster of life" and starts to drag me down again .... I try to ignore her words - her guilt, her tone - but still it grabs me like rope and pulls -- and I hate it! -

And she wonders why I was so dead set that she does NOT sell my punching bag ! gaa ! she is the reason I got it in the fist place -- ... " must preserve the image of the family - can't let friends and family know what a screwed kid I have" you have no idea the pain you have caused - the sleepless nights - the tears I have cried -- I move 20 hours away and still you have a hold on me !

I am not that little helpless girl anymore -- I am not your "shit-stick-punching bag" -- I want to step out of that and became who I am meant to be -- yet you still grab me and pull me in - making it impossible to escape.

It is obvious that you hate everything about me - so why do you try and care - unless you mean it - it is a waste of your time and mine !

I learned a long time ago that "my mom" died that cold Oct day in 2000 - all thats left is a shadow that wishes she were dead ....

God through music .... hmmmmm

These hit home tonight - i haven't listened to Creed in a very long time.. it is interesting because I know i listened to them a lot when I was trying to figure life out in 2001.....

My Own Prison lyrics

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time{repeat}

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
((And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one) I created I created
My own prison

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time


*****
Faceless Man lyrics

I spent a day by the river
It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all that's real
It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
I said it's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Now I saw a face on the water
It looked humble but willing to fight
I saw the will of a warrior
His yoke is easy and His burden is light

He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right
He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right

Again I stand. Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand. Lord, God I stand,
against the Faceless Man

'Cause if the face inside can't see the light
I know I'll have to walk alone
And if I walk alone to the other side
I know I might not make it home

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away
Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man


**

Wrong Way lyrics

What makes you touch?
What makes you feel?
What makes you stop and smell the roses in an open field?
What makes you unclean?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah

What makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
What makes our youth run
From the thought that we might die?
What makes you bleed?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah

Somebody told me the wrong way
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Somebody told me the wrong way

What if I died?
What did I give?
I hope it was an answer so you might live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live...live

*****
the entire cd "human clay" has the same message ..
I just think it is interesting ....