Thoughts from Monday...

So I was thinking (today) yes it happens from time to time, about Monday. I had hoped that I would get home that night and would be able to cry … but my hopes were wrong. Still haven’t been able to Cry. Oh how I wish I could find away to make it all just come out. My tear ducks seem welded shut – it sucks

I have also noticed how gentle this is going –(not that that is bad because it is not) I am just not used dealing with things in my life softly – for me it always has been a swift knock to the head – look learn to deal or shut up and quit being a baby! This is nowhere near that … maybe now that I think about it is why I find the military so interesting – ya OK blowing crap up is cool – the discipline is well respected – but when it all starts off – when they yell at you to do something- they want you- nay expect you to yell back at them ! – And if that doesn’t happen you get your head handed too you on a silver platter! That I find comfort in….

I guess what I am saying here is this I am learning to except and be ok with the fact that people like and care for my welling being and sanity and although I seem to learn quicker if I am backed into a corner – or receive good verbal ( not abusive) back hand to the head.

The idea I need to get passed is that as much as I would love to deal with all of my crap loud and quick … (apparently so I am beginning to see doesn’t work the greatest) But if I truly want to be rid of the crap that seems to continually have a death grip on me – I will have to go slow and gentle – stitching and learning from old wounds that never have truly healed …

I hope with help I can do it this time – leaving this idea –of all the negative I think and see about me.

All I want - all I have ever wanted is to truly say yes I free - but at the moment - I am not – and to say that I am would be a lie ..

new experences and old ones come back again....

Christmas was awesome ! in fact it was the first Christmas I have neather walked on aggshells for nor had to be fake to apease thoughs around me. It was a different Christmas but with famliy non the less.

It also however was an oppertunity to open up a part of me that I thought never again would I open. Inside i was content (or thought I was ) with the hell that had reaged up inside of me. In a conversation - this cane to light and after realuizing - I mey not be alone this time - I am baganing to take done the wall I have put up - In the past i thought I could handle it myself - now I know I can't.

This is not an issue - I am able to sweep away - I need to talk I need to write - and not be petrifide of asking for help

I have meny scars that will never go away I am learning that I have to move past them to heal not in them (and in a sick way) the confert that they bring.

This is the road now that must be travled - it's going to be hard and painful - i look around me and in my darkness there are shadows I try to run But to my serprize they are not there to hurt me - but to help me on this road that must be travled...

Break me to teach me....

Ok so I am written this post onehanded - thid is due to my right hand -being cracked and almost broken. For the next 2 months i will be the one handed wonder ....

I know already - that the next 2 months are going to be hard. It boilds down to the fact that I will be having to ask for more help then normal.. Now you read that and mostlikly are thinging " So of course you need help- your broken hellloooo" but that idea scares the crap out of me !

I have worked so hard growing up to do things myself - and to have to rely on others for help tarrifies me ... but like I am learning over and over again here this year - is THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ! this has been a reacrering theme for me the past 3 months ... yet still hard for me to grasp! I don't know why but it will not get through my thick head .....

THIS I KNOW FOR SURE GOD teaches in strange ways - I have fears and insucurites to work through .. so God if you need to break me to teach me - bring it on....