Love + Respect and Fear = Holiness

So I have been thinking - this the last week - and it is amazing to me how when God wants you to grasp something - He keeps bringing it up over and over and over again....

The last few weeks have been interesting - in a sense that a lot of what of what i believed to be safe and normal is not. I am also begining to understand that there is a whole lot of who God is that I have ignored or when it was told to me I have not liked to hear about it. So in essence I am closing myself of to a huge part of who the Lord is to be....

let me explain

Last week at church the idea of the amazing Holiness of God was preached. I thought it was really good and I knew that i needed to hear it - but did not realize to what extent. So seeing as I need things enplaned logically for me to understand and grasp them - I took the idea the Lord as "king"- and us as subjects - and explained it to myself this way -

In the mid-evil world - when there was an appointed King over the lands and it's people, His subjects did 3 things in regrades to that king. They 1) loved him (assuming of course he was a loving and good king) 2) Respected Him and above all 3) they feared him. They knew the power he had at his disposal, and what he could do with it if he wished. If the day came and the fear and respect for that king was no longer there - wow man look out! You where punished and then you died. (nobles, a noble death - beheading , and presents - anything could happen to them)

Coming back to God - I was listening the other day to a Sermon jam - and these words hit like they have never hit before... (enter holy 2x4 here)

"...Here stands God on the day of creation, He looks at the stars and says 'all you star's move yourself in this place, and start in this order and move in a circle and move exactly as I tell you until I give you another word! And they all obey Him. Planets pick yourself up and whirl, make this formation, at my commend until I give you another word. - He looks at Mountains and says - 'be lifted up' and they obey Him. He tells valley's 'be cased down' and they obey Him. He looks at the sea and say's 'you will come so far' and the sea OBEYS!... aand then he looks at you and says 'come' and you go NO!....

"

K so using the above analogical after reading this quote -- I ask this one thing .." Where the heck do we get off telling the King of All "NO" !?!? and not expect there to be some sort of retaliation or punishment coming our way ???

I do not understand how stupid we can honestly be - if a nobleman told the king he had pledged to serve - " I love you- but as for the respect and fear that comes with it goes ... NO!" he would loose his head so fast- he would not have time to take those words back....

This is how I see it --- Love for God + Respect and Fear for God = Holiness for Him....

I have the first part of the eqastion down - now it is time learn parts 2 and 3!

Part 2- "A crack in a Closed Door "

ok where was I ...

oh ya the Short story thing I was talking about ....

Ok so a little context I guess before hand - so you don't think I am all depressive and dark ( well ok there is some of that in me but I'm working on it- really) anyway I digress ....

What started as a normal conversation last night ended really deep with a lot of stuff said that I never thought would come out.. Anyway there was a lot of admitting on my end and wishing I could act and begin to defend myself - but in reality stepping into safety - scares the crap out of me- and as much as I want to I cant....here is a story to best describe this feeling I have stuck inside of me.

<A crack in a Closed Door

The room at the end of the hall was small. It had only enough room for two people and a chair at most. The young women looked at that old paint chipped door in fear- she knew what awaited her there. She had been there many times before, growing up little, unable to say anything, to scream for help. Now she was grown- strong enough this time-she was sure - to put an end to the torment of being forced into that dark musky room, and tied to that chair. She hoped this time she could at least see the figure in front of her - the one who took such joy in making her bleed.

She held her breath as the old paint chipped door -squeaked open - she new what that meant - with her head down she slowly made her way into the room - and sat in the chair - she knew the routine - and she also knew what would happen if she tried to fight back - her entire being wanted nothing more then to run and never look back - but she had tried that before - but always it seemed she would end up back in this same old room - it was almost as if there was no escaping it.

As her hands where being tried on the arm rests beside her - she began to brace herself for what was to come next - it would hurt - she knew that all to well - but what was always a mystery was how long it would last - sometimes it was an hour and other times it was days -weeks even.

Instead of looking down like she always had before she looked up - but only a little- so the other person wouldn't notice. As she looked up she saw something she had never seen in that old door before -- about two inches from the bottom there was a crack - not big enough to be noticed right away - but it maybe was big enough for someone who was walking by to see or hear what was going on inside.

The main light was turned off now and a hot swing lamp was turned on over her head- it was bright - it's purpose - he could see what he was hitting but she could not see him -- what he didn't know what she could see the crack - it was on this that she concentrated on.

It began - her head swam as it was knocked to one side- she could taste iron - she knew she was bleeding- she turned to look at the door - *smack* the fist echoed in the somewhat hollow room. But still when she turned all she looked for was the door.

Time had stood still - she had forgotten how long she had been tied to that chair. Her face was tight and swollen and she could barely see out of the slits that were once her eyes - the smell of blood hung in the air she knew she had been there for a long time.

She wanted nothing more then to say 'stop please please stop' - she knew she should scream - maybe someone would hear- but she could do nothing her voice was gone - just like when she was a child - age hadn't changed anything - whether she liked it or not all she could do was turn and take another hit- she knew nothing else - and to her sadly it was safe - she knew what was coming next and she knew how to react to it. It was a distinctive kind of safe - but to her that was all that mattered

One thing was different however - there was a crack in that old paint chipped door...

~~~

Yesterday's excitment ...

Yesterday was an amazing night with the ladies - and then we left our nice warm restaurant - only to realize while we where sitting enjoying our dinner of "yummy-ness" it had decided to blizzard out side - i mean ok it is January and this is normal-ish but it was crazy -- (man i am so out of practice haha ) After we got home I had a very interesting conversation with a friend that sent me to bed thinking about a lot of stuff -- but one analogy stuck in my head all night -- so much so - i wrote a short story -- however I have to get ready for work ... tonight I will share with you the story ...

Until then back to my blast from the past - good old Xena the Warrior Princess ! - I have forgotten how much I enjoy Greek Mythology and Lore - ( yes I am a dork - laugh and move on )

Until tonight .....

And yet life takes another turn.....

So I got a second job and i start tomorrow yay me - I have been completely up front with walmart telling them what i am doing - and once i got the job I have spent the last two days tring to figure out a plan that would work for both walmart and I .. and here is what happened ....

so i came in to work with my plan - that i would come in the evenings and Saturdays bla bla bla and once march comes along i would be available tusday - Thursday and Saturdays again

and sherron ( my front end manager) was in the room along with -- we shell call her "she-cow .." ( lets just say she has had an issue with teaching me new things since i started )

Anyway i laid out my plan and right away 'she -cow" was like "you cant work 2 shifts thats to hard" and i was like "look for 4 months this summer i worked 16-17 hour days and was fine ..." she scoffed at me like she didn't believe me - at this point i started to fum inside- but was un able to say anything

So sherron said she would talk to Niles the Manager and figure something out ---

at this point i know that come the end of June I am done - for the summer - and if they cant work it out ( which i am sure they will because they cant afford to lose anyone else )but if they choose to let me go, then im ok with that -- I would be annoyed by it because i know that i was thinking of the best way to help them out and they still didn't get it but i would still say ok fine see ya .....

I'm just frustrated because they see that my lags don't work and right away assume I can do nothing

So at the moment i can do no more until Saturday - agg stupid people annoy me ...

I just need to tell / make myself not to worry about it because God is in control ..... all i want to do is sleep I have to work at 830 am....

Annoyed...

Annoyed... that's what I am.... I hate sleep!

This is not a normal response to an relaxing event such as sleep.. but is seems lately for the past month I have been having extremely vivid nightmares - or have had the extreme 'privilege' of waking up every half on the hour .. all night... Today I went for what I hoped to be a sweet little nap - Nope. No luck..- insted it felt like I was being smothered -- for who knows how long....

This show is getting old and I wish could turn the channal - or at least turn it off and never see it again...

See why I am annoyed.....

.... This odd feeling inside...

I feel odd right now. I am not sure why because all and all I had a really good day! helped out at the daycare which is always a highlight when I get to do it- then i was able to hangs with some sweet friemds watching a moive at youth.. I laughed it was fun. Even tonight I laughed with those same people- yet at the same time I feell odd.

And no it is not because I am odd (because to a point this is true) It's like the 'hey I just want to get into a fist fight right now' odd... and those who know me look at me and smirk and say 'ha - you can't fight what are you thinking you can barely stand ' - even I look at me and think that! - I know i would never be able to fight back - and I would get the everything kicked out of me.. maybe that's the point - maybe in my little sick twisted mind - to feel pain like that would be a release. a release of everything in me i push down daily - to be sure a smile floats to the surface-- to insure all that i am ok... everything is ok ....

I got dvd's in the mail the other day - and as i sat skimming through them- i realized what my life was - a life time ago.. I was a happy little kid. I saw a dvd of our 15th birthday- it made me smile - then it hit me that a year and 2 months later- my life would change forever - the count down was on and we didn't even realize it. As i watched it shocked me how much I had forgot( i mean not literally forget ) but i didn't realize how much I had forgotten about him - thats sick - he was my brother and i had forgot his voice! how in the world could i have done that!

I would give anything to hear him or see him right now... I feel horrible or i guess I always have really - for not protecting him more - i mean i'm older - (and as a twin that means everything) He was the calm and cool one- happy with whatever he got or had to go through - i made it seem like it rolled off of me like it didn't matter - oh but it did i hated the fact that he was happy and ok with everything - and now i wish i had embraced it. .. I miss him - I miss that part of me that made me happy and everything fit together - since that piece has been gone I have faked and chocked on being happy - to the point of not remembering what it is..

I want the world I have now- to fit together - I want to remember what true happiness and joy is - I realize now that ignoring the joy that was in front of and beside me for 16 years was the biggest mistake of my life- and it sucks

I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention! - it's killing me inside -

Why can't I just be sad ? crumple into a ball until i pass out like a normal person?? No - my sadness comes out in anger this is what I have learned about myself -- maybe that's why i want someone to kick the everything out of me - because than I know i can cry - it's how I have done it for years- I get kicked (physically or emotionally ) and then I cry .... and everything - related or not comes out...

There has to be another way to feel what i feel and let it out - but as to what end I have no idea ....

I am starting to see now how messed i really am - and I'm scaring me....

Random thought

After reading and going through Romans 1 Sunday night , it is amazing how prominent it is when watching a movie like Gladiator.....

Y I know it is random -- however it was all I could think about while watching the movie tonight ...

~~~END~~~