The Mind of a Small Person

glare Drama

2011-05-08T09:13:00.001-05:00

Men are ass-clowns.. yay for Singleness....

To you it may suck -but to me it.s awesome...

2011-04-28T16:04:00.005-05:00

So it.s been awhile hasn't it. But having spent the last few weeks reading my friends blogs, I have finally decided to brush the dust off and update this old thing again...

I have done a lot of reflecting the last little while, trying really really heard to see the good parts and small victories in my life. (Most of you who know me - be it a for a couple of years or my whole life , know that this is a tough thing for me to do) and I am not gonna lie it has been a long tough and at times frustrating experence .. but let me tell you it has been worth every bit of it!

Now two things will happen -

1. You are bord stiff and don't care about me and my vitorires and are in the process of shutting you internet window now..

or..

2. You are intrigued and wish to continue reading .. Well in that case - here you go...

Ever since I can remeber I have wanted to do the craziest things.. things that when I asked if I could, was given a flat out no.. or laughed at with a ' you know you can't I mean come on your legs don't work.. so why try if you are going to fail ' attached to it.. so for year's I have smiled and succumbed to the fact that all the 'cool adventure filled stuff of life' would always be a dream for me. So while the 'me' the world saw was just get by - making sure I did my hardest to please those around me .. The 'me' in my head - had/has become this self confedent/ assured kick ass side of me that I have been told could never happen. Until this year ...

As meny of you know I have started this new adventure - or chapter if you will .. of my life with a bang - going from thinking all the exercise I would ever need was walking form point A to B and back again.. to working out 8 times a week... I have received a whole range of reactions to this sudden change .. from ' Wow your crazy,, to You inspire me.. and even some 'Your obsessed - where and what are your priorities...' The first two I laugh at and smile at, encouraging those who think they can't that they in fact can ( i mean if I can then you have no excuse) .. the last one however has been bugging me and I feel the urge to explain away...( so this being my blog I'm going to .. so there ;-P)...

It's hard to explain to people what it's like to have the lower half of your body - rebel against you on a regular bases , to spend more time on your face in public then you do standing... to not be given the chance because 'you are different' .. unless it has happened to you -- you will never understand .. Doing things (or at least trying...) that are 'normal' to everyone else has always been a dream of mine.. So when I was given the chance to do these 'normal' things with people that were willing to make it work and at times have been excited for me has been a blast. Let me give you an example most of you can jump right ? Well I could never without falling over -- so when that random day happened that I jumped and stayed upright.. I cried .... this simple action is something I had watched everyone around me do my whole life -- and now I was one of them! -- Same thing goes with the ever dreaded burpee... I would watch my friends and other 'classmates' all around me fall and spring back up again - only wishing 'man I would give anything to do that' - well 8 months after I 'jumped' I can do a burpee! - I now can do something I never thought was possible ... at the end of the day .. for 8 hours a week .. I am as 'normal' as it gets - no ones see's my disability - nor Do they care - and if I fall they laugh, ask if I.m ok and help me up. For 8 hours a week - there are no double standards - if I 'm to slow - I'm told to go faster- if I'm coping out I get called out..For 8 hours a week I am just like everyone else.. it's awesome :)

But working has also lead to some other awesome adventures.. One of the biggest ones.. my anger does not control me anymore - sure- do I still get angry; yes ..but now it's justified.. Now it has a reason, and trust me 'happy me' is way better then pissed I want to throw my fist through a wall me .. just saying...

It has also given me a lot more confidence in myself..*disclamer if this next part kills you .. it's so not my fault* ready?!

I am getting used to and kinda liking wearing stuff that makes me look like a girl... (dresses will never happen.. however and I still enjoy feeling comfy) but I like stuff thats fitted now.. I like the way i look it them! I'm a little late to the game but it.s true.. :) see here is proof!

So it has been an amazing year.. filled will experiences and adventures that I will never forget! I can't wait to see what things I will be able to do in the months to come! for all of you who have been a big part in helping me crawl out of my little protective shell thank you! Do me a favour though -- if I get the urge to crawl back in... kick my butt and tell me I can't.. Because the 'me inside my head -- she.s coming out to stay one of these days and I can't wait!

Mountain Tops and Valleys ....

2010-10-07T23:21:00.001-05:00

What do you think of when you think of mountain tops and valleys? Imagine it for a second. When I think of them, I see clear blue sky- fresh air and a view as far as the eye can see. The valley’s however are deep and dark, and although at times could be peaceful are often not.

In my life- I have had amazing times on the mountain tops as well as my share of times in the valley. Everything is going amazing, life is awesome – then all of a sudden you step on a loose stone, and down you tumble back to the valley – you have worked so hard to get away from. At first it is disheartening as you look around realizing you are back at square one – and in front of you is the mountain. The summit so far away- it feels like it will be forever until you can reach it again. Eventually we all must get up, dust the dirt off and begin to start our journey. It may be a slow process but we are not meant to stay in the valleys forever.

Those of you that know me, have just read those two paragraphs, and are no doubtable wondering where this is coming from. Well keep reading and I hope you will get a better picture.

For the last nine years, most people would have considered me ridiculously negative. To me however.. the world was falling apart , and let’s face it reality sucked – everywhere you looked something was going on. I became very cynical to the world around me, and thought I did well at keeping it hidden. But like all things, it was seeping out of me and I had no idea. To me - I was on that summit fresh air in my face, blue sky around me. Life was good.

Then I was hit by a rock I had no idea was coming. I had met someone as blunt and straight to the point as I was. At that point I had known her for all of two months, but what she said to me that day hit home and made me stop and think. “ you know you are really really negative, like all the time’ This was the first time, someone saying that had ever gotten through.. I mean I had heard it before, but I brushed it off and thought nothing of it. I had come crashing down hard, back to this valley that – I thought I wound never see again.. I remember it clear as day – I looked up and said.. “ umm thanks .. but I have been like this for as long as I can remember- how can I change it?” She smiled and thus my visit in the valley was extremely short lived.

I was excited at this idea of change – but at the same time had this feeling that it was not going to be easy – nor was it going to be made easy for me. The first of many ‘assignments’ given to me- was to write down 5 things I liked about myself… easy right? – nope it was the hardest thing I had to do in a very long time ! -- not only did I have to write them down – so I had to see them… she wanted to see them to .. Let me tell you I sat for a long time that night trying to find 5 little things I liked about myself .. I also leant right quick that excuses were not going to fly.. I put a question mark beside an answer I gave.. said I wasn’t sure if I did it right.. I was told to come up with 5 more answers … every time I would take a challenge and give a reason why I couldn’t do it – it was shot down with a response I could not for the life of me ague with. It frustrated me to no end – only because I am sickly stubborn and I knew she was right. On the other side of it though it was awesome! – someone was finally pushing me to do and try things I never would have dreamed. For that I am and will forever be thankful for.

My fear of failure is still there – but this is the next thing I intend to beat off of me, It sounds little – but to learn and grasp the idea that to fail is ok, That it is really the only real way try new things. Is something I have been crippled by for a very very long time. This needs to stop and I am excited to see the outcome – when it does.

At the end of this long ramble – I can say this- I have been in my share of valleys – in the past 8 months. And by no means did I enjoy myself, however I can see now the reason for them. It is said that as mach as we would like to change the past we can’t. The only thing we can do is look back on it and see our mistakes and do our best to learn from them , and do better the next time.

So as I once again start my way back up that mountain – I can only hope that as I look back I will see my mistakes and do my best not to repeat them.

Pain is a good thing - it means your not dead yet

2010-10-07T22:42:00.002-05:00

So it has been awhile since I have bloged.. but after a visit back to C-port hanging out with old friends I thought it was time. A lot has happened in the last year. Am I still dealing with the darkness of my past - yes I have discovered that there is much more in there then i first realized and it will take longer to get through then I thought. But I am, even if it a slow long up hill battle I am doing it - day by day taking steps forward - in hopes to finally someday be free of the stuff that holds me back from so much.

But enough of that.. Life has gotten really cool in the past year. let me try to explain- the best way to describe it I think is I have begin to see life as a gift - everyday we have as a gift - and I am learning to try new and exciting things! I have found some really solid friends out here in DV that have helped me down this road of metal change. To help me go from the ' well that's really rad but I can't because of this thing or that' to well let me try and see what happens! and I love it ! I have recently started going the Gym - now all of you who read this are all like - 'what no way not dawn - she's all eww nasty exercise!' But let me tell you I LOVE IT! boxing and kickboxing and MMA ( all things i thought I could not do ) i am doing -- i mean ya some things need to be modified sure but even in the last month I have gone from not being able to knee the punching bag - because I could not get my leg high enough .. to I can knee it now ! it is such a wonderful feeling ( even the small things) the confidence it gives you in yourself is amazing! - to look at the people that see nothing but the disability and say 'screw you hippie ! I can do it- it may be slow but I can - do not under estimate me !" it is such a wonderful feeling!

Ya I am still trying to figure were I fit in this whole ministry thing - but luckily I have amazing people mentoring me and are willing to see me succeed in where GOd has called me to be! I just need to be open and more willing to ask and see and not just assume - it is not an option because physically I may not be able to to A. B or C. God has a place for all of us.. we just need to see today as a gift and run with it and do all we can to make it the best day we can. Will there be days that suck - heck yes - that's life but we have two choices we can reflect and learn or we can dwell and not move forward. .. I admit I used to sit and dwell and feel bad and this that and the other thing - but now I am trying really hard to see what I can learn from the days that - are crap and do better next time .. this is a heard thing, but at the end of the day all we need to do is just remember that Our Dad owns all and is way way bigger then anything we think is tough! And He loves us even if we mess us ! in short HE IS AMAZING BECAUSE HE LOVES ME FOR ME - WITH ALL MY FAULTS AND FAILURES ! He is the best Dad ever !

I found this Quote the other day and i think it sums it up..

“Embrace that you have weakness. Because everybody does. Embrace that your body is not perfect. Because nobody's is. Embrace that you have things you can't control."

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

2009-05-18T01:10:00.002-05:00

I love simple things ... and it isn't very often that i get to be simple -- and do crazy things like singing Rudolph the red noise reindeer" in BP's just cuz we can it was awesome ! -- sadly it doesn't happen much ... I was life wasn't so complicated .. i wish i could be happy when i wake up and be ok with it not freaked by it -- i can't wait for that day .. there i days that i am the stupidest person ever ... just because I am messed up doesn't mean i want to stay that way... i really want to change -- i just suck at it .....

I am going to try to do better - I know i have to i know that negativity isn't cool - and i don't like it and i am not a fan of being stuck in it ... for those i may have upset i am sorry .. i really am ....

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

theme???

2009-05-10T18:27:00.002-05:00

I just found my theme for this past year ...

If you want to get out alive
oh, run for your life
If I stay it won't be long
Till I'm burning on the inside
If I go I can only hope
That I make it to the other side
If you want to get out alive
(If you want to get out alive)
oh, run for your life

yup yup that's it

.....

2009-05-10T15:07:00.002-05:00

I hate the saying " we all in one way or another become our parents ..." -- man if that's true -- i am so up a creek without a paddle it's not even funny ! today is mothers day - it is an awesome day - celebrating moms and what they do. it is also the day i am reminded THAT I WILL NEVER BE ONE ! this family ends with me -- and thats it - no more messed up kids -- i will be the last !

life is to damn short - why most we fight and wine over the smallest things - and then at the end of the day when the time is past and you realize it is way to late -- kick ours selfs in the ass and live with that giult for the rest our our lives ???? -- if anything has not the lost of a son, cousin, nefew , grandson - mean anything to you people .... I mean REALLY ?!?

every year I am reminded that this family - and all it's F-up-ness ends with me .....at least on this side anyway...

I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

2009-04-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

Tonight has been a very interesting night.... my head really hurts ( literally, ) and my chest is heavy. you may not understand - since my last post was all cherry -like about easter. here let me try and explain what I mean ....

This year has been full of many things.. most off the healing verity .. and one big theme FORGIVENESS -- (this i haven't quite grasped yet )...As for healing it is by no means is wrong in anyway-- In fact it is awesome ! -- however the way my life has been the last few months is this just when things get calm and "ok" I get this overwhelming feeling that most times comes with frustration and angry and I hate it!! First because it is a feeling of-what the crap why am I angry - then its an overwhelming feeling off numbness and like someone is latched on to me - making my walking heaver then normal ( and we all know it's heavy at the best of times... lol) It scares me because I know it isn't me -- it is who I was- not who I want t to be now... Anyway I haven't felt it in at least a little over a month --- and tonight it hit me - like a left hook to the kidney ..( during the spiritual warfare class i am in .. shock shock surprise surprise)

It is honestly THE WORST feeling ever because you know what it is but it will not go away and you just want to feel something and even at times wish the voices would stop talking long enough for you to hear yourself think. I hate unexplained anger , the unexplained urge to hit something really hard - just to feel -- kills me inside because I KNOW I am so much more then that !!!!

And to end an interesting night I got out of the jeep and smacked my head on the cement.. saw some blue floaty things and am now contemplating when I should sleep I know it should be soon as I work tomorrow....

Thank you God for loving me through my anger and frustration ... I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Easter - (the best time of year )

2009-04-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been - interesting....

In the past few weeks - I have acquired myself full time work at the bottle deapo - thereby being able to finally have the freedom to leave wal-mart (yay) as well as the heath food store! ( don't get me wrong I have been grateful for both opportunities) however it will be nice to have 1 steady generated hours job. People think I am crazy to be happy to have my days full of manual labour - like sorting bottles... but I think it is because I enjoy proving to people just because I have a disability - it doesn't mean all i am able to do is stand and "greet" people - I think thats why i enjoy the feeling of having been able to do something with my days....

This past week was Easter ( best time of the year) Good friday - I was able to see the death Of Jesus in again a whole new light .. and it was really neat... Good Friday - in all respects was the ultimate choice .... I had always only seen the 2 thieves that died with Jesus as just that 2 thieves... .. however after friday - I will never see them the same again.. -- those 2 men beside Jesus were the true example for us all ... One died in love and peace - and one died in Sin and death .... That is one crazy thought and it blows my mind to think about it !

Sunday was a serprizing day -- I got to have Easter dinner - something I was so not expecting and it was amazing ! I really don't think I have ever seen a bird that big !

All and all it has been a crazy few weeks - it's been good !

I want to escape - can someone show me how .....

2009-04-01T21:37:00.003-05:00

I'm frustrated .... I have a knot in my gut ..... every-time life seems to be going good - .. mom calls and life comes to a halt like at the top of the massive 'rollercoster of life" and starts to drag me down again .... I try to ignore her words - her guilt, her tone - but still it grabs me like rope and pulls -- and I hate it! -

And she wonders why I was so dead set that she does NOT sell my punching bag ! gaa ! she is the reason I got it in the fist place -- ... " must preserve the image of the family - can't let friends and family know what a screwed kid I have" you have no idea the pain you have caused - the sleepless nights - the tears I have cried -- I move 20 hours away and still you have a hold on me !

I am not that little helpless girl anymore -- I am not your "shit-stick-punching bag" -- I want to step out of that and became who I am meant to be -- yet you still grab me and pull me in - making it impossible to escape.

It is obvious that you hate everything about me - so why do you try and care - unless you mean it - it is a waste of your time and mine !

I learned a long time ago that "my mom" died that cold Oct day in 2000 - all thats left is a shadow that wishes she were dead ....

God through music .... hmmmmm

2009-03-29T00:58:00.004-05:00

These hit home tonight - i haven't listened to Creed in a very long time.. it is interesting because I know i listened to them a lot when I was trying to figure life out in 2001.....

My Own Prison lyrics

A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin
The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel
Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel
Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around
Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion
Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return
Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross
I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss
A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key
A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally

Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time{repeat}

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison
I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision
Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
(And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one

(And I said oh) So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride
((And I said oh) We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one) I created I created
My own prison

Should've been dead on a Sunday morning
banging my head
No time for mourning
Ain't got no time

*****
Faceless Man lyrics

I spent a day by the river
It was quiet and the wind stood still
I spent some time with nature
To remind me of all that's real
It's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
I said it's funny how silence speaks sometimes when you're alone
And remember that you feel
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Now I saw a face on the water
It looked humble but willing to fight
I saw the will of a warrior
His yoke is easy and His burden is light

He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right
He looked me right in the eyes
Direct and concise to remind me
To always do what's right

Again I stand. Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand. Lord, God I stand,
against the Faceless Man

'Cause if the face inside can't see the light
I know I'll have to walk alone
And if I walk alone to the other side
I know I might not make it home

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away
Next time I see this face
I'll say I choose to live for always
So won't you come inside And never go away

Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man
Again I stand, Lord I stand,
against the Faceless Man

**

Wrong Way lyrics

What makes you touch?
What makes you feel?
What makes you stop and smell the roses in an open field?
What makes you unclean?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, yeah,
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Yeah, Yeah

What makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
What makes our youth run
From the thought that we might die?
What makes you bleed?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah

Somebody told me the wrong way
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, Yeah
Somebody told me the wrong way

What if I died?
What did I give?
I hope it was an answer so you might live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live...live

*****
the entire cd "human clay" has the same message ..
I just think it is interesting ....

It's almost been at a year......

2009-03-26T23:40:00.002-05:00

It's almost been a year.

Last year I was getting ready to graduate
Finishing up last minute assigments and perparing for what I thought life would be
Fast forward now to today - Life is in every way differnt then i thought it would be. It has been a crazy emotionally ride - but in a big way refreshing. (excited, scared, confused , angry . content. hurt . really angry . really scared) As you can see life hasn't really plat-owed or has never been given the chance to do so.

It has been a year - a year that I have been suronded with people that love me for me
Even if I don't except it or understand it at times. (although i am trying ) It has been a year since i have been blown up at ( in person) pushed agenst a wall or thrown to a floor- it;s a nice feeling.

I have realized through this time away from what i have thought for years a 'normal' That one of my biggesest issues is i am in denal - or at leat I have been. I am slowly (with help) steping out of that. I didn't realize how much the truth hurts when you are confronted with the fact that the names and Ideas you have been called for years were not true. Believe me you get told something long enough you start to see it as true even when you know it is not. At the time the truth gets pushed so far back that when you have to dig it up again it rips you up inside.

One thing I have learned however and it continually gets hammered into me - is that even though it hurts now it will be better tomorrow - for this 'hurt is a good hurt' - It strengthens you and makes you whole.

I now in my heart that the road I am on is the right one - and I know there will be times I want to turn tail and run.

But in the end this time I am not alone and that excites me !

It's almost been at a year......

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-03-24T00:52:00.002-05:00

I AM SO ANGRY
SO PISSED
SO ANNYED !
I LOVE HOW I HAVE TO CONTINUALLY TELL MY MANAGER THAT I CA'T WORK DAY I HAVE BOOKED OFF!
I AM SICK OF BEING SCREWD OVER !

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
TIME FOR A NEW JOB

GAA I HATE WALMART !

I don't get it -- can someone please explain ?

2009-03-21T21:52:00.002-05:00

My head is swimming right now ....

I don't get it !

Why does everything fall on me ?
And for the love of all that is good and holy WHY OH IS IT A GUILT TRIP!
Now every time I talk to my mother -- she wants to know when I am coming home !
the truth I don't know yet - I have an idea but it isn't in stone! and in all honesty
I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!
home scares me - I don't want to walk on egg shells! scared that if I breath wrong I am going to be told what a pathetic loser I am !
told that I will go no where with the degree of nothing I have and why the heel did I go to school for a degree that - will get me very little money for ... because oh I forgot that is what it's all about - MY BAD !

but now her big thing is " think of your grandparents -- you have to come home to see them ! they will most likely not live much longer .."

funny thing is I am the only one who gets that line - I am not stupid I know they are old I know they will die. but if I am gone and they do what am i going to do !
I love them I do! but PLEASE PLEASE don't use them as freaking bargaining chips !

~Man i could really use a drink right now!

I really want to email my mom and tell her I am not coming home- I mean if SHE HAS TO SEE ME ... then get in a freakjing plane and COME AND SEE ME ! -- oh wait I forgot ... that will make her life be put on hold !! *gasp* she made it very clear that I was not to come home to stay because she WASNT looking after me !

well guess what - manitoba is where I grew up -=yes - but never again will it be my home !

I hate GUILT trips - they are a real waste of time!

New Chapters ...

2009-03-08T23:37:00.002-05:00

New Chapters -

The chapters in the book of my life seem short these days.
Compared to the one almost never ending college chapter....
Each Chapter brings with it New, exciting, and most times challegeing events ...
Grated most challeges tend to bleed through-out the smaller chapters ..
Since i have kept them locked away for so long..

The only way out is up -I just need to climb...

Became a memeber of my Church today ...
Started filling out my Missions app - didn't relize how much denile I am in..
Thought i could get by with just letting everything roll off my back - My face answered that ..

New Challeges- on the road ahead of me ...

Cooling off the rage that burns inside .. maybe someday be happy
And forgiving - those who don't think the NEED to appologize..
'You have played a big part in who I am today.. if only you could see how much it hurt me inside...'

These are the new chapters - the next page is blank what I make of it - is up to me ....

to much to ask...

2009-03-04T00:49:00.002-06:00

I bruised my face tonight...

why am i so stupid - it took away some of the anger - now i can see straight
why cant i be like a normal person and crawl into a corner and cry... instead it comes in stages - and stops - not coming when i want it to ....

I hit myself until i bruised - instead of tears - i feel shame - what is wrong with me?

God why can't I do anything the normal way - I want to escape this but every-time i start to get out - i crawl back into it because it is what i know

- screw what I know - i want what i don't know .... is that so much to ask for?

Pain is my life - I wish you would get that .....

2009-03-03T23:32:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to say - all i know is I am freaking pissed !
The one day i show the world a sliver of the pain i am in ALL THE TIME - it is the freaking end of the world !
I hate being weak - showing my pain to a world that looks at me like I am already freaking waste of time kills me!
Al I want to do is through my fist through th nearest wall - I am so pissed - i try with everything have to do what i have to do without falling over and NEVER GETTING UP AGAIN but oh my goodness the poor disabled girl is having a bad day - the world is going to HELL !!! -

PAIN IS MY WORLD GOD FORBID IT THAT SOMEDAY YOU SEE ME FIGHT WITH IT !!!

The tears burn as they run down my face... I'm crying over crap i cant change - what the hell !!

2009-02-21T00:08:00.003-06:00

In the Last 30 minuets I have fallen more then I have in 3 months !
The lower half of me is refusing to work -
and in the grand skeem of it all falling is the easy part.....
It's getting up that kills me ! - trying with all I have to make them move and all they do is drag !

I just want to Work right - One day with no pain -
One day without fear if the graind will grab me and send me flying !

GAAA I hate crying over things I can not change - but here I am - tears of frustration are falling and they want stop !

Some days I feel like i am stuck and I can't move !- I just can't move !

Love + Respect and Fear = Holiness

2009-02-08T13:46:00.005-06:00

So I have been thinking - this the last week - and it is amazing to me how when God wants you to grasp something - He keeps bringing it up over and over and over again....

The last few weeks have been interesting - in a sense that a lot of what of what i believed to be safe and normal is not. I am also begining to understand that there is a whole lot of who God is that I have ignored or when it was told to me I have not liked to hear about it. So in essence I am closing myself of to a huge part of who the Lord is to be....

let me explain

Last week at church the idea of the amazing Holiness of God was preached. I thought it was really good and I knew that i needed to hear it - but did not realize to what extent. So seeing as I need things enplaned logically for me to understand and grasp them - I took the idea the Lord as "king"- and us as subjects - and explained it to myself this way -

In the mid-evil world - when there was an appointed King over the lands and it's people, His subjects did 3 things in regrades to that king. They 1) loved him (assuming of course he was a loving and good king) 2) Respected Him and above all 3) they feared him. They knew the power he had at his disposal, and what he could do with it if he wished. If the day came and the fear and respect for that king was no longer there - wow man look out! You where punished and then you died. (nobles, a noble death - beheading , and presents - anything could happen to them)

Coming back to God - I was listening the other day to a Sermon jam - and these words hit like they have never hit before... (enter holy 2x4 here)

"...Here stands God on the day of creation, He looks at the stars and says 'all you star's move yourself in this place, and start in this order and move in a circle and move exactly as I tell you until I give you another word! And they all obey Him. Planets pick yourself up and whirl, make this formation, at my commend until I give you another word. - He looks at Mountains and says - 'be lifted up' and they obey Him. He tells valley's 'be cased down' and they obey Him. He looks at the sea and say's 'you will come so far' and the sea OBEYS!... aand then he looks at you and says 'come' and you go NO!....

"

K so using the above analogical after reading this quote -- I ask this one thing .." Where the heck do we get off telling the King of All "NO" !?!? and not expect there to be some sort of retaliation or punishment coming our way ???

I do not understand how stupid we can honestly be - if a nobleman told the king he had pledged to serve - " I love you- but as for the respect and fear that comes with it goes ... NO!" he would loose his head so fast- he would not have time to take those words back....

This is how I see it --- Love for God + Respect and Fear for God = Holiness for Him....

I have the first part of the eqastion down - now it is time learn parts 2 and 3!

Part 2- "A crack in a Closed Door "

2009-02-01T00:03:00.005-06:00

ok where was I ...

oh ya the Short story thing I was talking about ....

Ok so a little context I guess before hand - so you don't think I am all depressive and dark ( well ok there is some of that in me but I'm working on it- really) anyway I digress ....

What started as a normal conversation last night ended really deep with a lot of stuff said that I never thought would come out.. Anyway there was a lot of admitting on my end and wishing I could act and begin to defend myself - but in reality stepping into safety - scares the crap out of me- and as much as I want to I cant....here is a story to best describe this feeling I have stuck inside of me.

<A crack in a Closed Door

The room at the end of the hall was small. It had only enough room for two people and a chair at most. The young women looked at that old paint chipped door in fear- she knew what awaited her there. She had been there many times before, growing up little, unable to say anything, to scream for help. Now she was grown- strong enough this time-she was sure - to put an end to the torment of being forced into that dark musky room, and tied to that chair. She hoped this time she could at least see the figure in front of her - the one who took such joy in making her bleed.

She held her breath as the old paint chipped door -squeaked open - she new what that meant - with her head down she slowly made her way into the room - and sat in the chair - she knew the routine - and she also knew what would happen if she tried to fight back - her entire being wanted nothing more then to run and never look back - but she had tried that before - but always it seemed she would end up back in this same old room - it was almost as if there was no escaping it.

As her hands where being tried on the arm rests beside her - she began to brace herself for what was to come next - it would hurt - she knew that all to well - but what was always a mystery was how long it would last - sometimes it was an hour and other times it was days -weeks even.

Instead of looking down like she always had before she looked up - but only a little- so the other person wouldn't notice. As she looked up she saw something she had never seen in that old door before -- about two inches from the bottom there was a crack - not big enough to be noticed right away - but it maybe was big enough for someone who was walking by to see or hear what was going on inside.

The main light was turned off now and a hot swing lamp was turned on over her head- it was bright - it's purpose - he could see what he was hitting but she could not see him -- what he didn't know what she could see the crack - it was on this that she concentrated on.

It began - her head swam as it was knocked to one side- she could taste iron - she knew she was bleeding- she turned to look at the door - *smack* the fist echoed in the somewhat hollow room. But still when she turned all she looked for was the door.

Time had stood still - she had forgotten how long she had been tied to that chair. Her face was tight and swollen and she could barely see out of the slits that were once her eyes - the smell of blood hung in the air she knew she had been there for a long time.

She wanted nothing more then to say 'stop please please stop' - she knew she should scream - maybe someone would hear- but she could do nothing her voice was gone - just like when she was a child - age hadn't changed anything - whether she liked it or not all she could do was turn and take another hit- she knew nothing else - and to her sadly it was safe - she knew what was coming next and she knew how to react to it. It was a distinctive kind of safe - but to her that was all that mattered

One thing was different however - there was a crack in that old paint chipped door...

~~~

Yesterday's excitment ...

2009-01-31T14:43:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was an amazing night with the ladies - and then we left our nice warm restaurant - only to realize while we where sitting enjoying our dinner of "yummy-ness" it had decided to blizzard out side - i mean ok it is January and this is normal-ish but it was crazy -- (man i am so out of practice haha ) After we got home I had a very interesting conversation with a friend that sent me to bed thinking about a lot of stuff -- but one analogy stuck in my head all night -- so much so - i wrote a short story -- however I have to get ready for work ... tonight I will share with you the story ...

Until then back to my blast from the past - good old Xena the Warrior Princess ! - I have forgotten how much I enjoy Greek Mythology and Lore - ( yes I am a dork - laugh and move on )

Until tonight .....

And yet life takes another turn.....

2009-01-29T00:45:00.004-06:00

So I got a second job and i start tomorrow yay me - I have been completely up front with walmart telling them what i am doing - and once i got the job I have spent the last two days tring to figure out a plan that would work for both walmart and I .. and here is what happened ....

so i came in to work with my plan - that i would come in the evenings and Saturdays bla bla bla and once march comes along i would be available tusday - Thursday and Saturdays again

and sherron ( my front end manager) was in the room along with -- we shell call her "she-cow .." ( lets just say she has had an issue with teaching me new things since i started )

Anyway i laid out my plan and right away 'she -cow" was like "you cant work 2 shifts thats to hard" and i was like "look for 4 months this summer i worked 16-17 hour days and was fine ..." she scoffed at me like she didn't believe me - at this point i started to fum inside- but was un able to say anything

So sherron said she would talk to Niles the Manager and figure something out ---

at this point i know that come the end of June I am done - for the summer - and if they cant work it out ( which i am sure they will because they cant afford to lose anyone else )but if they choose to let me go, then im ok with that -- I would be annoyed by it because i know that i was thinking of the best way to help them out and they still didn't get it but i would still say ok fine see ya .....

I'm just frustrated because they see that my lags don't work and right away assume I can do nothing

So at the moment i can do no more until Saturday - agg stupid people annoy me ...

I just need to tell / make myself not to worry about it because God is in control ..... all i want to do is sleep I have to work at 830 am....

Annoyed...

2009-01-25T23:43:00.002-06:00

Annoyed... that's what I am.... I hate sleep!

This is not a normal response to an relaxing event such as sleep.. but is seems lately for the past month I have been having extremely vivid nightmares - or have had the extreme 'privilege' of waking up every half on the hour .. all night... Today I went for what I hoped to be a sweet little nap - Nope. No luck..- insted it felt like I was being smothered -- for who knows how long....

This show is getting old and I wish could turn the channal - or at least turn it off and never see it again...

See why I am annoyed.....

.... This odd feeling inside...

2009-01-23T23:53:00.002-06:00

I feel odd right now. I am not sure why because all and all I had a really good day! helped out at the daycare which is always a highlight when I get to do it- then i was able to hangs with some sweet friemds watching a moive at youth.. I laughed it was fun. Even tonight I laughed with those same people- yet at the same time I feell odd.

And no it is not because I am odd (because to a point this is true) It's like the 'hey I just want to get into a fist fight right now' odd... and those who know me look at me and smirk and say 'ha - you can't fight what are you thinking you can barely stand ' - even I look at me and think that! - I know i would never be able to fight back - and I would get the everything kicked out of me.. maybe that's the point - maybe in my little sick twisted mind - to feel pain like that would be a release. a release of everything in me i push down daily - to be sure a smile floats to the surface-- to insure all that i am ok... everything is ok ....

I got dvd's in the mail the other day - and as i sat skimming through them- i realized what my life was - a life time ago.. I was a happy little kid. I saw a dvd of our 15th birthday- it made me smile - then it hit me that a year and 2 months later- my life would change forever - the count down was on and we didn't even realize it. As i watched it shocked me how much I had forgot( i mean not literally forget ) but i didn't realize how much I had forgotten about him - thats sick - he was my brother and i had forgot his voice! how in the world could i have done that!

I would give anything to hear him or see him right now... I feel horrible or i guess I always have really - for not protecting him more - i mean i'm older - (and as a twin that means everything) He was the calm and cool one- happy with whatever he got or had to go through - i made it seem like it rolled off of me like it didn't matter - oh but it did i hated the fact that he was happy and ok with everything - and now i wish i had embraced it. .. I miss him - I miss that part of me that made me happy and everything fit together - since that piece has been gone I have faked and chocked on being happy - to the point of not remembering what it is..

I want the world I have now- to fit together - I want to remember what true happiness and joy is - I realize now that ignoring the joy that was in front of and beside me for 16 years was the biggest mistake of my life- and it sucks

I'm sorry I didn't pay more attention! - it's killing me inside -

Why can't I just be sad ? crumple into a ball until i pass out like a normal person?? No - my sadness comes out in anger this is what I have learned about myself -- maybe that's why i want someone to kick the everything out of me - because than I know i can cry - it's how I have done it for years- I get kicked (physically or emotionally ) and then I cry .... and everything - related or not comes out...

There has to be another way to feel what i feel and let it out - but as to what end I have no idea ....

I am starting to see now how messed i really am - and I'm scaring me....

Random thought

2009-01-20T00:16:00.002-06:00

After reading and going through Romans 1 Sunday night , it is amazing how prominent it is when watching a movie like Gladiator.....

Y I know it is random -- however it was all I could think about while watching the movie tonight ...

~~~END~~~

It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

2009-01-18T23:22:00.004-06:00

I am not sure where this is going to go - just a heads up ....

When all is said and done for the day- as I sit on my bed , in the quite my mind starts to run through things and conversations I had had that day. This day involved a conversation with my mom. As i ran back through that conversation I started to think of the talks we have had that have not ended so well - and it made me realize something I had not seen before. She has never ever truly apologized for anything she has done or said- yes she has written emails and said it in passing-( but most times it is me saying sorry and taking the blame that isn't mine) I would love to take these times and say that she means what she is saying - but I am really not sure....

That being said I have come to understand it this way - it is like a band aid.. meant to cover the wound for a time in hopes that it will heal some times in the near future - easy fix and move on... THAT DOESN'T WORK ! Because at the end of the day band aids- fall off or in my case get ripped off - thereby exposing the wound to more pain making it impossible to heal . What needs to happen I have come to realize is that those areas that right now are forbidden to heal- they need to be cauterized. That is the only way I can see these holes being able to shut. The dead infected flesh needs to be burnt away - for new healthy flesh to grow and replace it.

Having red hot medal - touch you is never fun- but in order to close a wound it is often necessary - in order to prevent or draw out infection that has or will set in - if the area is left untreated.

There is a lot of me that has been left alone - with easy to rip off band aids - in hopes that it will fix the issue- I realize now that a more evasive course of action most occur...

Now only to find a red hot piece of steal ..... It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

God please take this pain away .....

2009-01-15T21:23:00.003-06:00

I hate the quite .. most people find it relaxing and soothing .. but I hate it. I don't know if it is the fact that I have slept barely at at all the past two neighs or what it is.. but I am really angry .. I don't know why and its is bothering me.. I don't like feeling angry even when there is a reason - but when there is not - and these feelings of rage fly up from no where - it scares me....

Writing right now is saving me .... because what I really want to do is hit something until I bleed -because it would hurt but at the same time feel really really good ... arg! - how does that work !?! The war inside me is raging and it feels like I am being ripped apart! and I hate it!

I know in my head that everything I am feeling are lies ... but that still does not stop the pain.. the ripping that I would give anything to stop....

God please take this pain away .....

What did I do ?

2009-01-10T04:11:00.002-06:00

It's 3 am - and I really should be sleeping.
I sat on my bed to pray tonight and started to think.
I know my life has played out this way for a reason
I know that being brought up in the family I was - had a purpose.
I even, in my heart know that losing my brother -when I did had to happen.

What i don't get - and don't think I ever will
Is - how I was the brunt of all her angry?
I lost my family to- I was dealing to!

Growing up, my mother was my world
At least she loved me.
What did I do to make her see me -
As this horrible - waste of life -
That should of died - instead of my twin!

Words we say we can never take back
and the words you have said - will be with me always
It's bad enough I know Dad - want's nothing to do with me

There are times I have felt and still feel that you would be happy
If I was gone - you could have your life back ...
I know that you are angry
Because you spent the better half of your life
living a life you have said you never wanted

You push me now to figure out who or what I am 'supposed' to be
"Figure out your life to I can finally live mine.."
You think it is easy - well guess what it's not!
I have no idea who I am ! - I am everything everyone wants me to be!

I hate Fake - so therefore I hate myself !
I hate that feeling - it makes me sick inside!

I am learning that I am loved - and it hurts because
You would think that I would know what it felt like
Prier to being 24... But the love I grow up with was anything but that.

Your words will always be with me
So this is my question for you
What did I do to make you hate me ?
Really what did i do ?
~~~

Sorry it's so long - maybe I can sleep now ....

It Makes me wonder ....

2009-01-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

It makes me wonder - how it is that i have turned out the way i have.. My friend's look at me and what i come from and are surprised that I am not more messed up then I already am. and in many ways I wonder that to ... I have always tried to imagine what life would be like with "normal loving " parents - how different my life would be ....

I was writing a few days ago - and strangely enough it wasn't what I usually write about - but it still was straight and to the point .. I know that there is truth in it - however to tell him would be useless ... it seems the freedom of being honest and truthful with my parents doesn't exist - because as much as it would feel amazing to make them sit while i proceed to tell them how i felt or what they have done - I know in my heart that it would fall on deaf ears and a whole lot of denial.... until then I can only imagine a day that they will realize how much they have alienated themselves from me... seeing how I have grown from them - wanting to be nothing like them but to find out truly who I am meant to be...

~~~~~

It’s dark, late, and I’m tried.
I pray only for sleep.
But it doesn’t come, it hasn’t for a while.
My mind is active again… active when it should be resting.

The thoughts that keep playing are the ones I wish would go away.
I try to think of something.
Anything but nothing helps.
For years I swore it didn’t bother me, that it, was my life nothing more.

I told myself to deal, get through it and move on.
I made myself believe that you could never hurt me.
I won’t let you.

Denial
Excuses
Lies
Let downs

Everything you pulled I took the brunt of–
I took it! So no one else would have to.
I did everything I could to protect my brother.
From the pain you caused him- for years.

Did it ever occur to you that all we ever wanted was for you to be there?
Obviously it never did.
You never cared how bad your words cut into us.
Left scars that will never leave.

It crashed down the day you found out Dan was dying.
For some reason you though if you came to the hospital all would be forgiven.
I don’t understand it, I really don’t.

I wasn’t thinking then.
I thought that you would change.
Realizing life is short.
To short, everyday can be in fact our last.

Nothing has changed.
Not in 7 years, Nor 24.
It was clear from the day you saw us
You couldn’t handle it.

Well Hindsight is 20/20.
I realize now how much time I wasted on you.
Part of me hates you, for giving up on us.
For never getting to know us the way you should have.
A sliver of me still has hope for you …

I’m sick of getting my hopes up
Sick of trying,
Sick of the pain,
You have done it for the last time.

Now it’s your turn
It’s time for you to Step up.

Guess what … we are yours.
There’s no denying no matter how hard you try.

Try to be a Father …
All I ask is that you try.
Is that so much to ask?

blown away by the smallest things

2009-01-05T01:24:00.003-06:00

Ok so i have been here in Dayton for 3ish months. Something has been different but I never really cought on to what is was until today at church. I mean maybe it's because of where I grew up but all my life sharing and caring for others didn't happen much ( even in church at home ). Here is the difference - I went to New Life for 7 years , did my internship there but still they know nothing about me - nor did they ever care to dig any deeper then they had to. This fact was painfully brought to my attention when I asked my "pastor" to write a letter for my visa and he ether knew none of the information or guessed at it.. it was sad it really really was ...

I have been at the alliance for 3ish months and they already know more and care more then i have ever experienced... it's a nice feeling being cared about ..

It just blew me away .... it is such a weird feeling

"To love another person Is to see the face of God"

2009-01-04T21:20:00.003-06:00

I was home today - and to pass the time I had found myself a copy of the Les Miserable 10th anniversary show. As I was watching I realized the crazy theme's strung throughout it- that i some how did not pick up on before (odd) The biggest of them is that of salvation and throughout...

Here let me explain (I have read the book - and seen the musical 3 times ) let's see if i can come up with a brief summery of the 3 main characters:

Jean Valjean - gets out of prison after 19 years - but find that his past still hunts him - shortly after his release he steals silver from a Bishop who lies to the cops so Valjean wont have to go back to prison. ( He then repents , turns a new leaf and does what he can in the name of God.

Jarvert-An obsessive police inspector who continuously hunts, tracks down, and loses Valjean. He goes undercover behind the barricade, but is discovered and unmasked. Valjean has the chance to kill Javert, but lets him go. Later Javert allows Valjean to escape. For the first time, Javert is in a situation in which to act lawfully is immoral. His inner conflict leads him to committing suicide by jumping into the River .

Cosette :The first few years she is raised, she is used as a worker and beaten by the Thenardiers. Daughter of Fantine. She is raised by Valjean after her mother dies. Valjean buys her from the greedy and selfish Thenardiers.

There are other Characters - but these are the 3 main ... anyway back to the point of this post .....

At the end - when Valjean is about to die - he speaks one last time - and the words - struck me - like they never had before .....

VALJEAN (to COSETTE)
Now you are here
Again beside me
now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed...

COSETTE
You will live, Papa, you're going to live
It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye!

VALJEAN
Yes, Cosette, forbid me now to die
I'll obey
I will try.
On this page
I write my last confession
Read it well

When I, at last, am sleeping
It's a story
Of those who always loved you
Your mother gave her life for you
Then gave you to my keeping.

FANTINE
Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy.

VALJEAN
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory.

VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spokenm
To love another person
Is to see the face of God.

I always saw the theme there and thought it was neat and a good story - but it never really hit home like it did this time....

If I had the chance to go see it again ... I think .. I really think it would mean a whole lot more ...

The soundtrack of my mind .....

2009-01-02T22:19:00.006-06:00

music is a huge part of me ... and my life. So often the lyrics of songs can so easily explain - what you long for.. I've been sitting and thinking a lot this past week ... thoughts in no real order are stuck in my head. So I put music on to see if it would help ... and here is what I herd ....

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

[Chorus:]
They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and I vow to you
I will never forsake you
---

perfect by nature
icons of self indulgence
just what we all need
more lies about a world that

never was and never will be
have you no shame don't you see me
you know you've got everybody fooled

look here she comes now
bow down and stare in wonder
oh how we love you
no flaws when you're pretending
but now i know she

never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

without the mask where will you hide
can't find yourself lost in your lie

i know the truth now
i know who you are
and i don't love you anymore

it never was and never will be
you don't know how you've betrayed me
and somehow you've got everybody fooled

it never was and never will be
you're not real and you can't save me
somehow now you're everybody's fool
---
I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

[Chorus:]
I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you

I have woken now to find myself
I'm lost in shadows of my own
I'm longing to be lost in you

Away from me.
---
You’re too important for anyone
You play the role of all you long to be
But I, I know who you really are
You’re the one who cries when you’re alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
You can’t escape

You think that I can’t see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You’re left to face yourself alone

[Chorus:]
But where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t abandon everyone
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

I’m so sick of speaking words that no one understands
Is it clear enough that you can’t live your whole life all alone?
I can hear you when you whisper
But you can’t even hear me screaming

[Chorus:]
Where will you go (where will you go)
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can’t escape
The truth
I realize you’re afraid (I realize)
But you can’t reject the whole world
You can’t escape
You won’t escape
You can’t escape
You don’t want to escape

......

Thoughts from Monday...

2008-12-31T01:13:00.001-06:00

So I was thinking (today) yes it happens from time to time, about Monday. I had hoped that I would get home that night and would be able to cry … but my hopes were wrong. Still haven’t been able to Cry. Oh how I wish I could find away to make it all just come out. My tear ducks seem welded shut – it sucks

I have also noticed how gentle this is going –(not that that is bad because it is not) I am just not used dealing with things in my life softly – for me it always has been a swift knock to the head – look learn to deal or shut up and quit being a baby! This is nowhere near that … maybe now that I think about it is why I find the military so interesting – ya OK blowing crap up is cool – the discipline is well respected – but when it all starts off – when they yell at you to do something- they want you- nay expect you to yell back at them ! – And if that doesn’t happen you get your head handed too you on a silver platter! That I find comfort in….

I guess what I am saying here is this I am learning to except and be ok with the fact that people like and care for my welling being and sanity and although I seem to learn quicker if I am backed into a corner – or receive good verbal ( not abusive) back hand to the head.

The idea I need to get passed is that as much as I would love to deal with all of my crap loud and quick … (apparently so I am beginning to see doesn’t work the greatest) But if I truly want to be rid of the crap that seems to continually have a death grip on me – I will have to go slow and gentle – stitching and learning from old wounds that never have truly healed …

I hope with help I can do it this time – leaving this idea –of all the negative I think and see about me.

All I want - all I have ever wanted is to truly say yes I free - but at the moment - I am not – and to say that I am would be a lie ..

new experences and old ones come back again....

2008-12-29T23:08:00.002-06:00

Christmas was awesome ! in fact it was the first Christmas I have neather walked on aggshells for nor had to be fake to apease thoughs around me. It was a different Christmas but with famliy non the less.

It also however was an oppertunity to open up a part of me that I thought never again would I open. Inside i was content (or thought I was ) with the hell that had reaged up inside of me. In a conversation - this cane to light and after realuizing - I mey not be alone this time - I am baganing to take done the wall I have put up - In the past i thought I could handle it myself - now I know I can't.

This is not an issue - I am able to sweep away - I need to talk I need to write - and not be petrifide of asking for help

I have meny scars that will never go away I am learning that I have to move past them to heal not in them (and in a sick way) the confert that they bring.

This is the road now that must be travled - it's going to be hard and painful - i look around me and in my darkness there are shadows I try to run But to my serprize they are not there to hurt me - but to help me on this road that must be travled...

Break me to teach me....

2008-12-07T23:57:00.002-06:00

Ok so I am written this post onehanded - thid is due to my right hand -being cracked and almost broken. For the next 2 months i will be the one handed wonder ....

I know already - that the next 2 months are going to be hard. It boilds down to the fact that I will be having to ask for more help then normal.. Now you read that and mostlikly are thinging " So of course you need help- your broken hellloooo" but that idea scares the crap out of me !

I have worked so hard growing up to do things myself - and to have to rely on others for help tarrifies me ... but like I am learning over and over again here this year - is THAT GOD HAS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ! this has been a reacrering theme for me the past 3 months ... yet still hard for me to grasp! I don't know why but it will not get through my thick head .....

THIS I KNOW FOR SURE GOD teaches in strange ways - I have fears and insucurites to work through .. so God if you need to break me to teach me - bring it on....

"Who am I...?. "

2008-11-20T00:29:00.002-06:00

This is not only a really good song in a extremely well known musical ... it is also a really interesting question. One that I have been asking myself a lot lately ... " who am I?" - as a person , as a friend - and most importantly as a "child of God...?"

I was laying in my bed - and all I could think was " I honestly don't know who I am... and it really scared me. It was then that I realized that I have been everything "everyone else wants me to be" - F or year's growing up I agreeed with what people said to make them happy becoming who they wanted - beliving without questioning - agreed so much that I began to not want to figure out who I was as a person - as long as the people around me were happy - life was good... or so I thought

The problem that now resides is that I am lost - lost in a dark corador - a dark place -- with light to far away to see -with no idea what to do where to go - how to get there .. I am not saying that I am so screwed up I am unable to fuction - it is just I want with all of my being to be a new person - without fears - insecuties and unknows - I long to be secure and not scared of what I do not know - and the overwelming fear of failing - failing , me and thouse around me--- As well as God - I know he has a perpose for me - i am His child - but am I really making any headway ...?

I know i am loved by people and God - I just want so badly to figure out who I am - to final put this question to rest and all their fears behind me ....

It hurts so badly - to jump when their is a good possiblity that might just drowned - hoping with everything that in the end - you will come up allright ...

Life in a "perfect" world...

2008-11-06T00:19:00.002-06:00

This is a strange post ... Strange in the sence that I'm really do not know where it will end up.. So I am sorry in advance ..

I haven't been able to thinking about a phone conversation I had with my Grandparents last night. They are 83 and I am the closest grandchild to them always have been and sure it will never change. Unlike past conversations I have had with them in the past, this one really stuck out. They said they really miss me.... this is huge .. here is why - i haven't been home full time for 6 years and for those six years the NEVER once said those words to me .. I know it seems small but it really hit me you know ..

Then I began to wonder what life would be like if I could relive the last 7 years ... and life didn't fall apart .. what would life be life if my brother did not die, and was here today. Would I have gone to school out of Provence - would I be in Alberta now ... Would my mom not be crazy - and still kind of there . because her life had not fallen apart ....

The truth is I have no idea - part of me want to think mom would be slightly more sain , but then again who reall knows... There is one big thing I wish could have happaned - I wish I could have introduced Dan to all my friends .. he always was worried about me - he never admited it but he always wanted me to be loved by people who truly cared for me ....

I wish I could brag about my little brother - reashering him that I am loved safe and sound ....

Everything in life happans for a reason - life is never perfect - even though there are days we wish the hell we are living through (or have lived through) wasn't there and would just go away ... but the hardships we indure build charactor in us- so we are able to move forword through the valley so we can start the climb again ...

I really hope crazy is not in my DNA

2008-10-29T23:13:00.002-05:00

Ok so it has been a few weeks since I have written anything .. this is an Update / rant (viewer discretion is advised)

So after moving into the basement of the house I will be here for the next year - I went on the Job hunt - I live 5 minutes away from an IGA so I started there - and 2 hours after I droped a resume off they called and the next day I was hired after a 10 MINIUTE intervew - I got full time work ) So naturaly I wanted to give everything i had - however after one shift and a handful of hours of crappy training .. I relized I could not clean the massive chicken rotiseray ( so after going to my boss - she told me if I could not do it - don't try .... she knew I had a disiblitay I told her and still that was her responce.... So i said thanks anyway - and went to walmart ... where now I am a greeter making 10. 25 /hour ... .so in short SCREW YOU IGA!

In other news my my mother is crazy !... ok well that is old news - but still the wonds open again and again - with out a chance to heal .... time and time again - she freakes out over the littlest things - making me this horrible person unable to make desent destions about my life at the age of 24 .... I can't belive how little it takes to set her off - My grandma is doing the same thing ... oh I hope Crazy is not in my DNA....

I am loved by God and the friends /"famliy" I have here Love me for me they see me for me - screw up /product of my upbringing and all ....

I just want to break the cycle - of darkness ...... I want to be different I wish mom could learn to see it .....

A simple way to look at things....

2008-10-08T02:41:00.003-05:00

It is amazing what random but insightful things can come out of people late at night..

Here is what I mean ...

Tori-ism: being at the center of God's will is the most dangerous and safe place you can be. God has it planned all along. If you live, He had it planned, you keep getting to do His will. If you die, party at His place!

The truth is in the middle- In the quite - I'm learning to be still..

*Tori-ism- random things said by Victoria !*

a new day ...

2008-10-07T01:39:00.002-05:00

"I don't know what to do" This has been the stamnent that has been running though my head all night. ( well since 5:30) this afternoon .... the reason ... I got my second rejection notice for my UK visa ( the first appeal i did in June - still isn't back yet ..)

I got home tonight and really honestly did not know what to think - or what to do - nether did my friends .. they where as blown away as i was ....

So after a good cry and a small pity party - that included an apprentice from greesy KFC- I took a deep breath- ready to start again - I have been looking into cross world /Ywam - I am not sure what or when to tell Oasis...

As much as I am lost and not very fond of the unknown (or the UK governemt/World bridge) for that matter - again I am reminded that God is in control .... My sea is getting a little wild - I am just waiting on Jesus to speak and calm it down ....

Until then I wait - learn -and lisen ... because S**T happands - I just need to reemember to flush ...

And still I am learning ....

2008-09-22T01:02:00.002-05:00

So I am in Alberta .. it is a far cry from where I thought i would be 21 days ago to say the least. But as I sit here typing this I am blown away at what i had learned tonight... here let me explan :

I am staying with my friends (one of whom is a pastor) I have known them both for quite some time and they have both helped me out already in so many countless ways its crazy !.... Anyway he and I started talking tonight about things that have happened in the last 21 days. We have both come to the realization that we put so much stock in what our circumstances are that when they flop we are angered and frustrated. Don't get me wrong when all of this suff went down i was sad and frustrated, but I am also learning that EVERYTHING happands for a reason... not sure what but it does - there are no fluks!

My heart hurts for of the Lost youth in the UK and I long to go over and see and be a part of God at work over there... but if it doesn't happan now then The Lord wants me somewere else, doing something else -- and I am learning that that is Ok and that I am not in control .....

Only He who created me is - in Control - Only He...

If you Haven't already .. you really really should ....

2008-09-10T14:58:00.005-05:00

hey all
So I have stumbled upon - while at home for last week a fan little thing called "Dr Horrible's sing a-long Blog" It is done by Joss whedon (Buffy, firefly...ect) , and has Nathan Fillion ( firefly) and Neil Patrick Harris ( How I met your Mother, as well as Doogie Howser)

You can find it it on youtube there are 3 acts ! do ya ....If you Haven't already .. you really really should ....

anyway thats all from here ...

hicups ....

2008-09-03T18:51:00.002-05:00

Not many people can say that they have been across the ocean in one day... well I have...
I got to the Uk border after a day and night of flying and they said "umm you need a visa " i then said that everywhere I looked looked said i could stay in the country for up to 6 months - but apparently that has changed and now i need a visa to do anything there ... so after 3 hours with imagrations they put me on a plane and sent me home .... however they told me what visa to apply for when i get home ....

So now I am home - working an application for a workimg/holday visa - hoping to be back over there - in a month - those of you who read this please pray it will all work out

thanks

Fathers.....

2008-08-28T00:14:00.002-05:00

Are they not supposed to love their children ? .... I guess not ... At least not My father .....
You know I am only leaving for a year - across the World !
But it is like pulling to see my father ....
I really shouldn't feel so pissed ... but I am .. I really am ...

I would like to have a daddy ... but that will NEVER HAPPEN ..... so why do i care so fraking much!

long time no post

2008-08-03T16:10:00.003-05:00

So it is Aug and with that the summer is almost over - and i am off to the Uk for my year aboard - wow thats weird lol I just sent my latest verson of my letter ( thanks carm) and booked my year plane ticket.. everything is so close and coming together ... only 3 more weeks of camp !!!!!

well thats all on this end hope you are all doing well !

oh ya ....
I shaved my head ... hehe

see ya

So i am 24 now ..

2008-07-12T19:00:00.000-05:00

so I am 24 - it kinda feels odd . also my first week of camp is over - it was also the worse week ever! it thunder stormed al week long !

thats hope for sun next week !
bye guys - until next time !

Summer is here !

2008-07-03T09:13:00.000-05:00

camp officially starts today - I don't start to get cabins until next week but summer is here !
Pray that God will do some crazy work this summer !

A scream for the internet to see .....

2008-06-21T09:10:00.002-05:00

* ok so this is more of a rant... so i am sorry for it .. in a way *

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ok that is all i can do at the moment- scream into my laptop screen.

I want to explode, today is a amazingly beautiful day,perfect for a wedding and I am super excited for that don't get me wrong that is not why i am virtually screaming for the internet to see. Not at all. The reason is a result of what happend yesterday- the Gong show that snowballed into disaster....

So my friend picked me up last night so I could come to this wedding today, I had fund raiser tickets with me that my other friends needed this weekend- (or so i thought) before i left stonewall i called her there was no answer... so i told her to call me back (though she was busy with maid of honor stuff) didn't even bother to try her boyfriend ... like i always do.... don't know why .... So me and friend number 1 (in the story) went to dinner - we get home around 11:30 -- I realized then that both the maid of honor and the best man (friend and boyfriend) had been waiting for the tickets and now it is to late to bring them in ......So they are pissed ....I'm confused....and then the best man and friend start to fight about it .........so so stupid ..... and because they live together (they continued this morning)

So you see now why i screamed .... it is not my fault but in a way I feel like it is because it is FOR me..... the money will get in today i know that.....

I just hope and pray that this pissing contest can be put aside for the bride and groom's sake.... they don't deserve to have this ruin their day .........

I am still here

2008-06-05T20:58:00.002-05:00

so I'm not dead yet....

Life for the past month has been interesting.. between learning my new job and helping mom on the weekends (she has been really sick) ...life has been anything but dull.

the kitchen is full of drama as always.. most the time it is just safer to sit back and enjoy the show - all the while being mindful of flying potatoes. Sadly though my job in the kitchen ends in a few weeks and i go on to learning the stuff i will be doing this summer .. all and all it should be a great time.

I other more frustrating news - I got word about a week ago that my UK visa was declined so now i am in the process of appealing it and hope it works other wise I will have to go for 6 months come home for 3 weeks and go back for 5 months .... so if you feel like praying please please do !

Anyway there is a lineup for the net I must be off !

God Speed!

week one of camp .. DONE !

2008-05-11T15:40:00.002-05:00

hello again
So i think it is time for an update.
So i have been at camp for a week - it has been alright - I have chalked it up to the first week in dorms . it is a time to meet and figure the other staff out. lets just say there are a few i really like to be around - there are some that just wont shut up and there are others that just make me want to scream. - but such is life...

It is fun but i am not going to lie i miss my friends where here ! I miss noodle dinners (drake and Carmen) and church on Saturday night ( Scott, tori, Jude) ...

anyway i should go
i will update again as soon as i can !

Grad .... a joke ....

2008-04-27T00:49:00.002-05:00

So today was grad . I am happy that it is done ! glad to see my fellow classmates and I are done. the happiness from my friends at school and my teachers I know was true. From my mom it was a joke and completely untrue... For those of you that where at my gr 12 grade the exact same thing happened... for those who were not this is what happened...

After grad was done and no one was around my mother decided to tear a strip into about everything from not smiling ( for those of you who know me I don't smile for forced pictures at the most of times) to not staying in moose jaw .... I have someone staying in my room .

During supper she made it clear that she didn't like my friends .. as she proceeded to have 5 drinks. At this moment she is getting nice and drunk.

So needless to say I do not want to go home thank God it is only for a week .. I would not be able to stand any more.

Next time you see me .....

2008-04-24T03:06:00.002-05:00

this is my last post before my internet is cut off - so the next time I post i will have a degree -- wow that's crazy to hear myself say lol

night !

Part 2 - the visa chronicles

2008-04-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

ok ok so it has taken a while but here is part 2 ... ready??
ok good!
if your not then to bad! :P

So the last few weeks have been extremely interesting for me. Both frustrating as well as enlightening to the fact I need to really trust God in this time.

So you sitting back and say " what the heck are you talking about it has been so freaking long since your last post!"

SO let me back up and explain. Most of you know that I need to go to Edmonton to go get my visa for the UK. This has been a trial and a half for me. Once I found out that I had no choice I had to go and do this I (like i always do) got slightly felt overwhelmed with how this was going tol work. So after trying to find one way or another to figure out what to do my family - said they would take me with them when they where going that way anyway. So I filled out the application, paid an arm and a leg for the online fee- I am off tomorrow to get this part of my england journey over and done with. this has been tough but it has been a great time trusting and listening to the Lord, when He swings his "holy 2x4 at my head.

On a different note - my time here at Briercrest is over in 11 days! this has also been a very exciting and sobering time. I know my life will go down a path of continued growth. But this chapter of my life has been a long one and a strange way it is sad to see it end.

alright thats all I got !

talk to you all soon !

ps for my friends who enjoy reading and are looking for something new - HP LOVECRAFT ( he is like edgar allan poe on crack !)

How Does the Lord Speak to you? (part 1)

2008-03-26T03:24:00.002-05:00

He speaks to me with a extremely large 'Holy 2X4' !

Because I am often slow on the blessing and plans He has for me .. He needs to at times whack me over the head before I fully see what He wants me to see!

There is a story behind this.... but I will tell in tomorrow-ish as i am tired an want to sleep....

So goodnight !

Big News

2008-03-04T00:36:00.002-06:00

So I have been home for 3 days and every time I come home I soon realize even though I enjoy being here to I point I also know that it is not a good place for me to be be mental, emotional, spiritually and at times physically. It is just not safe.

That being said I found out today that I have my first 1000$ trowed my year in England! Given to me by the cerebral Palsy association! This is a huge thing because they usually only help with equipment needs. I am so stoked !!!

This is a huge blessing ! God is a good God !

New beginning's -& Old Lessens Relearned

2008-02-27T00:37:00.006-06:00

So here i am posting again. First off though I must confess something... I'm am a lier. I told my friends I would post Friday and never did....I am sorry ... good now that that is out of the way.. on with the post.

This past weekend was a full one to say the least. It was youth Quake ! So as in years past the campus was invaded, and for two days we all ran on no sleep and tons of caffeine. This year was partially interesting because it was my last YQ as a student ( not to say I won't come back with a youth group some day)

Before the weekend kicked off however I had to be up stupid early on Friday in order to be awake for my exit interview. It was at 9am *shudder* and after 45 minutes of questions and explaining of my doctrinal beliefs, The told me that 'I knew what I was taking about and I could graduate come April. This is a concept that is all to quickly becoming a reality. I am still really unsure how to take it.

With in the next hour YQ 2008 was in full swing as hundreds of new faces flooded our campus . I was working in the cafitaria for most of the meals, however I was able to cetch most of the weekend's activities. This year's theme was "LIVE OUT LOUD". I was taking to my friends before the weekend and we all agreed how interesting it was that all the themes of youth quake while we have been students have tied in with where we were in our life and walk with the Lord.
For a while now I have been struggling with how exactly to connect fully to the Lord. I mean I know all the truths and I have taken all the classes - however I still had no idea how to get close to the God I am daily getting to know. On Saturday Night after the 3erd session there was a praise party. I walked up to the side of the stage and just sat there, I did not want to be distracted by the lights or the music.

Soon it was thrown to the crowd to just shout out different names of the Lord.. Someone yelled out "daddy" and I lost it. I sat there and asked the question over and over again "Lord how can I call you "daddy" because when ever I think Of a daddy figure I think lack of trust, betrayal, not good enough to be loved. I shut my eyes as the tears rolled down my face and this is what I saw:

I saw a massive sand storm, there was a road long and dusty, I was walking, lost and confused as to what to do and where to go. I was looking around for someone- anyone to come and help me through the stand storm I had found my self in. i was weak and had triped and fallen. As I struggled to get to my feet I began to cry because I was stuck and could not move. Then there was a bright blinding light, as I looked into it I coved my eyes. Soon there was a man who slowly made His way to me. He knelt down and lifted my dace wiping my tears way with His hand. Looking me in the eye He held my face and spoke gently saying " I will never leave or forsake you. , you are my child and I am your father I love you with all I am and I always will!"....

Then what was clear as day vanished and everything rushed back the lights the singing- everything -only this time i felt free and ready to truly praise my Father in Heaven!

Sunday came and the campus slowly emptied out! that was my crazy Yq weekend ! (sorry it took me a week to write)

Wow so much to say -- So much to tell !

2008-02-04T11:08:00.000-06:00

Life has been crazy lately. Complete with phone interviews, a birthday kidnapping to Regina as well as a slight car accident ... (no worries all parties involved were not hurt ) anyway on with the news .....

So as most of you know, I have been looking into a position over in London England working with the inner city youth in that area. I had plan at first to only go for 6 months (May to Oct) so i filled out the paper work and sent it in . 2 months- ish went by and i herd nothing so I started to think well maybe I should look into something else. The second week of Jan came and I got an email saying 'sorry for the inconvince but we think you should consider for a year placement. I said I would and pray on it and get back to them. A week later I said 'ok lets do this' :) Last Tuesday the main office in London called me and I had a hour and a half interview and they said that they would get back to me on Feb 4 with an offer -- So at 10am this morning I found out that I have in fact been accepted for a year long position in England - starting in September !! I have to raise the support to do this - however I know the money will come and the Lord will provide - everything I will need :)

Around the middle of January was 'the ever popular "camp Days" * DUN DUN DUN * - the concept - 50+ camps come and try and convince you to think about working for them over the summer ... For 5 years I had walked around talked to reps but never applied simply because of school and loans and stuff - This year - I took the chance and applied - I mean I am done and all graduated in April - and after the flop that was last summer I figured the worse thing they could say is ..... 'ummm how about no' So I have been in contact with them a few times and today - about 20 minutes before England I was offered the job of helping teach photography / photo shop - from may 4 - the end of August! This also means I am free and around to go to Sherrie and Erik's wedding :) (already have that weekend booked off )

What else is there -- oh ya this past weekend, I was a friend's 22 birthday like all good college kids a group[ of us decided to kidnap/blindfold her and take her to Regina for Supper before church. So the original plan was to have multiple cars going to moose jaw from caronport - as this was our first stop... it turns out however that we had to cars but one was in Moose jaw waiting for us to get there. So right now we had a 4 seater car and 6 people to get to Moose jaw - good thing Sask has crazy laws that state if all seatebelts are in use you can put as many people in the car with you as you can fit. Once we got to Moose jaw things became a little more roomy we switched around who was in what car so she could not guess was with her - and headed off about 45 minutes in I had switched to the second car- and he hit a snowy patch - that landed us in the ditch ..... if it wasn't for the 3 feet of snow we slammed into we would have rolled ! We weren't there long however - when a nice big truck came by and pulled us out of the ditch. After that it was clear - we got to Moxies and had dinner and then church. All and all an awesome time !

So this ends my massively large post
to recap :
I have Work for the Summer
I Got a Placement for 1 year in England !
Had a crazy Kidnapping birthday weekend
and landed in the ditch !!

thats it form here !

it has been a while - crazy start to 2008

2008-01-17T00:01:00.000-06:00

ok so I have yet to fall of the face of the planet, I swear! However 2008 started off a very interesting year.

It started with my bus ride out here. Everything went ok on the first leg of the tip. (until we arrived at Brandon for lunch. It was there that we found out that the bus we came in on was broken and that we would have to take a different bus to Regina. We where held up for an hour and a half. The bus we ended up in was half the size as the gray hound bus we started in- so needless to say it was a cramped 6 hour ride. It was in these 6 hours that i met... let us call him crazy Steve... now crazy Steve- so i was told was a diamond miner from bc. All he did was talk! and when he wasn't talking he was sleeping which meant he was half leaning on me ! let's just say i was happy to get to Regina and away from him for the last leg of the trip !

Once I got back to the port Drake and Carman met me at the bus stop and took me back to their place for the first week of mod (thanks guys for a great week) My mod was very interesting. as well as extremely laid back! so nice haha :)

Right after our mod's ended- classes started. I have decided to sit in on a class on the Gospel of John to fill some of the stupid amount of free time i have on my hand this term. It is a very odd feeling knowing you are in your last term of school- it is starting to all hit home - This past Monday i got my grad pictures done - it's all really odd.....

Oh the weekend I went to Regina and hit best buy to pick up my new wireless keyboard ( thanks kev for the help) - and had sweet day out with the girls:)

It was also this weekend that a young girl that often came to Joe's place passed away .. from an illness she had been fighting for years. So today i was at her funeral for most of the afternoon-- it was a wonderful celebration of her life - yet a big reminder that our life here on earth is so very short...

So as you can see it has been a crazy start to 2008 !
I will update again soon - right now i need to go watch more heroes !
Take care!

end of 2007

2007-12-31T17:44:00.000-06:00

So it is the 31st today and in 6 hours and 15 mins 2007 will be over and 2008 will begin. This year will bring many changes to everyone I'm sure. It is exciting - the start of a new year. It is truly a time to start again and try to have the best year that we possibly can.

As for me I am waiting for my ride to go spend this New Year's eve in the city with my friends. On the 2ed I will be once again on the bus back to school. crazy !

This Christmas has truly been an answer to prayer! I was home for 14 days and there havn't been any fights- no yelling- screaming no tears ! It is truly amazing! There where times that could have exploded-but right when mom could have opened up on me - SHE WALKED AWAY! this has not haven't in years ....

Anyway thats it for me hope everyone has an amazing New Years !
talk to you all next year !

One more Semester closer ......

2007-12-08T01:30:00.000-06:00

Today all my class assignments are finished. I have 3 days of classes left, but all my homework is done. This shouldn't be strange , I mean I have done.. lets see.... this will be my 11th semester here at school;but this time it is weird. Weird because in 4.5 months I will be done (Lord Willing) finished with a piece of paper in my hand I have paid 60,000 $ for. stating that I have earned a B.A degree !

Where i go from here is still yet to be determined. I have sent my application in to Frontline Uk - so now all I can do is wait and see how the interview goes. If it goes well - I will be in London England from May to October. This is Crazy - Crazy because I am doing this, crazy because it is starting to look more and more like reality.

Strange the twists life takes some times.

Oh! Last thing I almost forgot! This weekend started of in a great way. I got my Advanced worldview Paper back - the class average as 18/30 which translates to 63% I got a 20.6 /30 ! I am above the class average! Yes i know it's not that high -however a 69-70% for Dr From - is like an A in any other class. hahaha I thought he would have given me a 'pity 50' -so when I saw that I was in shock - It was an AWESOME FEELING!

Oh crap! it's 230 am i need to go to bed .... night guys !

2007-11-12T02:57:00.000-06:00

It has been a while .... and a lot has happened since my post from home.

It is interesting how God works. right when you think... gaaa life is crazy and i am sick and tried of it. He throws a curve at you and you realize ... how very small you are and how much He Love's us! it is crazy thought ..but I love it :)

In other news apparently Quarry Park interpretive center burnt down last night! This is unbelievable and in many ways sad .. as pretty much all of the towns history was in that building. It is crazy to think it is all gone ....

anyway there is nothing else new on this end ...

tell next time ...

I hate red wine....

2007-10-21T00:43:00.000-05:00

I hate it ! It makes people {mom} really drunk really fast ... then she runs her face and i can ignore it for .. so long then the frustration hits red and I react .. i don't want to but do and every time i hate myself after I do. It's what she wants - I have played right into her hand.. and I hate myself for it ...

Same with coming home. Why do I do it to myself ? because every time i do this happands! I know it will happen - yet inside I hope and pray and wish it will be different.. just once.. one visit and no mind games. It is almost if she does this because I am home I mean when i talk to her on the phone she rejoices over the fact that she only drinks once in a while and that she has cut back on the red wine.. yet it has been running nonstop since i have been home. It is almost as if she says and does these things to see how far she can push me until i snap and she has a reason to kick me out!

I hate this one breath she says I am worthless and can do nothing and in the next she says I am all she has ! Her and her new "F' the world attitude is getting old - she can only play the 'victim' card for so long!

Arg! this is so frustrating ! I need to tell her about this england thing This Week and I want her support , I would love her blessing - but I am petrified that she will think is retarded.. I know i am 23 and I have every right in the world to tell her to shove off because it is my life but I am scared she is going to guilt me .. thereby causing me to doubt - in my self and in what God has planned me me .......... DANG IT I DON'T WANT TO DOUBT - I AM SICK OF LOOKING AT EVERY ANGLE! - I JUST WANT TO JUMP!

i just want to jump - why can't she just get that- and let me go ....... why do I hope in something that is never going to be true ?

Today my Brain went 'Pop'

2007-10-05T02:18:00.000-05:00

and it is only the 8th class in the semester! My day {or afternoon started with my Advanced Christian World-view class. In this class everything i have learned in the past 5 years here in regards to how to approach Youth ministry was challenged. Let me explain...

In the early beginnings of society everything that was learned in regards to morals, values and beliefs were instituted in us through the family. However since the family structure has changed so much this to had to change. The idea of schools changed this practice, offering different types of lessons in regard to growth and life skills. So to then did the church. Everything now is programs, programs, programs, a youth ministry does not function without programs for this, that or the other thing. Christians of today have seen the family unit and said 'wow they are lacking in these areas- we can make a program and help them with this problem. But in reality the idea is to help the family as a whole not just a part of it. The use of a programs in effect has weakened the family instead of making it stronger, because the family as a whole is not helped and lead as well they are unable to contribute in the spiritual lives of their kids. Instead they drop their kid off at youth group because this 'program' will help you- it is not my problem.... So the question is then if we as Christians , confessed believers of the Word of the Lord, do not understand the idea of helping the family unit as a whole - as God calls us to; where then do we get off creating program after program in the name of youth and family ministry?

As my head spun from that class I then ran to my Classics of Spiritual literature class where we talked about the Grace of God. Holy man ... Grace and mercy are completely different now then they where when I walked in. I am not sure how to exactly write what I mean so I will say this. When we read 'By grace we have been saved..' it seems so easy to grasp but in reality it is way deeper and crazier to comprehend... all I can think of to describe it is that we are crazy lucky to have a God that loves us the way he does.. because in our human nature we can not bare to see the glory of God yet the grace Of God .. allows it to, if only but a little of what it truly is....

I am sorry if this is confusing to follow but it was a crazy day .. you see why my Brain went "Pop"?

Today I have a piain in my Heart....

2007-10-02T01:41:00.000-05:00

Today {Oct 02} is a tough day. Today is the 7th year since my brother passed away. My heart aches and every year it comes back and more then ever I realize that there was a time that I was not an only child. How quickly life can change. I wish that I did more with him , and above all I wish that I would have said I love you. I mean he knew I did but I wish I could have said it more. Life is short, none of use know when our time here is over. -- it is for this reason we should not take a single second we have for granted. Although I have learned this lesson the heard way - I still find myself getting 'comfortable' and missing out on what is around me.. This is something I struggle everyday to stop.

My heart is also torn as to what I am supposed to do with my life, this is my last 'year' at briercrest, in April I hope to graduate. Then the path gets dark and the light goes out and I find myself lost and unsure what to do and where to go. I have been thinking about going into web design as many of you know, however I am not sure what I could do with that. I am also being pulled more and more in the direction of something over seas... I think... I want so badly to go to England and work with the youth there, The question is however what would I do over there and how would I get there. These are big questions that are ripping at my heart! I know I know you are reading this and saying 'whoo slow down , finish one thing at a time' believe me that is what my mind is screaming at me.. But I can't. I can't stop thinking about it.

A friend from crossworld mission is back for 2 days, she has talked to me for years about opportunities in England and telling crazy stories of what God is doing over there This makes me want to go more ! Then reality sets in {in the form of my mother} and I start to think it will never happen and I get discouraged because once again I have no idea what I am supposed to do with this life God has giving me. There must be a reason for everything I have experienced .. there has to be....

... wow I don't know where these crazy deep-esk posts come from at 2 am - I really don't........

One more thing...

2007-09-26T02:55:00.000-05:00

For my friends back in Manitoba I am not going to LA for mod -- it didn't work out... However I will be home from the 19th of Oct to the 28th ..

ok now i am going to bed !

.....

2007-09-25T22:15:00.000-05:00

Life has been crazy. School has kicked in to full swing and if one is not carefully, one could get swamped under tons of work really really fast. That being said I am proud to say all though I have a load of reading to do I am keeping up, slowly but surly I am.

One thing I have noticed now that I am going on to my 6th year here at school is that it is very easy to become cynical about the basic day to day activities here in this place. A professor once said that ' the longer you stay here {at briercrest} the further away you get from the word.' that is a frightening thought but in sad reality I am finding it more and more true. Not to say I am not reading the Word of God, but I am finding it harder and harder because in many ways it has turned into a textbook. Even though I am fighting these ideas and feelings, the Lord is still teaching me- teaching to trust and to come to Him as I am. That last thought is a hard one for me - because I am so sinful and unworthy - yet the gift He has given is free and to Him we are clothed in white. Yes because we are human we fall and sin daily but when we realize that we can't do life on our own (even though we despritly want to) we do a 180 and He leads us down the path He has choosen.

...Wow that was long .. longer then I had planed. I think now I am going to go to bed...

Post Post Post.....

2007-09-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

So it has been a few days longer then I planed but here I am posting again. It was a crazy first week with everything starting up again for yet one more year. Then of course lets not forget the Gong show that the phone /net company is in this fine Provence. Needless to say I got phone and net service a week and a day after the original promised date... only after calling like 10 times !!! arg I miss my MTS.

In other news classes are going well .. if you see me ether around school (for those of you on campus that read this ) or back at home and I look like a truck hit me it is because of the classes this semester. If it is not trying to understand and rap my head around what Joel From is saying about world view - It will be from Cal and his classical lit class. Akkk what have I done! *shudder*

Tonight however I am off (after class) to Regina to one of it's many night clubs to go see MUTE MATH :D They came once before to Youth quake - so to see them again is crazy !!!

Anyway I need to run to my one class .. and learn things ... later

Year 6 starts

2007-09-03T10:11:00.000-05:00

At this moment I am in the bean waiting to register because once again I got my net hook up from sasktell and once again they goofed so I have no phone /net until Thursday! Needless to say I am anything but impressed...

Anyway .. moving on... I am all moved in and it is an awesome room ( small in comparison but it has a shower !!!! ... the weekend however was not so cool mom was all over the place emotionally so that lead to more fights then anything else .. so that was a downer ..

However I just looked at the clock and I need to go register so i will continue with stories later

Have a great day !!!!

So the Summer has come to and end ....

2007-08-31T01:33:00.000-05:00

So in 6 and a half hours I will be once again on the road back to school. It feels odd really that the summer has ended so fast .. I'm happy to be going back, yet at t he same time sad to be leaving right as it seems that I have gotten into some sort of weird rutene around here. That and miss all the cools stuff - like Sherrie and Eirik's wedding Social - I really wish I could be there ....

That being said .. I will hopefully *crosses figures* have phone and internet hooked up this weekend so I should be online on Sunday sometime.

Anyway I should be off .. i hate goodbyes .... it has be a crazy good summer! Thanks to all of you for including me :) in the stuff we did ...

Later !

Last week count down ....

2007-08-27T22:40:00.000-05:00

4 days ! AHHHHHHH!!! (ok I'm done ) I have so meny people to see before I leave on Friday at 8 am. That being said - I hate goodbyes ! I want to go back to school but at the same time I do not want this week fly bye because it is full of goodbyes .. and it sucks ...

This last weekend however was awesome! Saturday plans changed sligtly and we, (Kev Jay Sherrie and Eirik-- sadly jess did not join us ) went to the pub at the forks for a 'happy b-day jay /goodbye me' thing and it was crazy funny - with many many one liners *snicker*- I love my friends :D Thank you all!!! In fact I may have a pic .. let me see if I can figure this blogger thing out .....

Ohhh look at that I figured out how ... sweet- go me ! I think I have perfected the camera face :) yes!!

Anyway all that is left for me is to see as many people out this way as I can before I leave 'friendly Manitoba' for four more months ..... good times !

time....

2007-08-17T11:21:00.000-05:00

14 days... This time in two weeks, I will be driving in a packed van back to the place I have called "home" for the last 6 years. Crap! I have been there for 6 years after this year is done... thats crazy!

It blows me away how fast and slow time can go and sometimes doing both at the same time. I mean this summer is a perfect example; It has been long as I was unable to find work yet at the same time it has gone crazy fast! I mean frak! it's Quarry Days this weekend and in 2 weeks I'm gone ! Where did the last four months go ?

Looking back, this summer has been very humbling in a good way - not that I don't wish there was a way I could have made a little money, but because I didn't I was able to do things I never did in past summers it is was nice:) Not to mention the time I got to spend with my friends , rekindling friendships that have faded and just hanging out as a group, it was truly the best! .. thank you !

Not much more to type - I mean there is tons going on .. but that is a new post all together.... *sigh*.. maybe next time ...

Later !

There is a lot going on .. I really don't know what to think......

2007-08-08T02:15:00.000-05:00

Life is strange.

Right when you think 'ok this is what's going on now I can do this .. I can deal, everything grins to a halt because instead of life going foreword, life starts down a crazy road that 12 years ago you swore would never be traveled again.

Now I am confused. I don't know what to think. . Part of me says yay he's back - it's good to see him - maybe just maybe he's changed. But then there is the other half that is scared to get hurt again. That mom will get hurt again or even worse in her state or idea of living now - will be the first one to hurt others this time... All I can do is watch and it sucks because I know this is anything but good and all I can do is watch ....

***

Ok in other more happier news ... I had one of the best weekends in a long time. I was able just to relax and hang out with my friends all weekend :) playing some pool and drinking at BP's with one crazy happy server haha. Even going to the drive -in - something I have only done once before.

Life is strange - right when it seems to suck and you think 'there is really nothing I can do' - it throws something good your way ....

Starting anew ....

2007-07-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

It's time for change. Yes I have been on LJ since high school this is true. Although I haven't touched it in 5 or 6 months. With that said as I was looking back on many of those posts I realixed I was angry - with myself my family and others and it sucked ! (not to say I don't get angry anymore) but it is something I want to stop doing.

The year 2007 has been anything but happy or easy thus far. What I thought was a 'wonderful family' fill apart while I was away at school, leaving just mom and I in the house without a third party. That has been interesting to say the least. I have also been unable to find work this summer. at first this was frustrating but now as the summer is passing by I'm ok with it. ( not that being unemployed is a good thing) it just has allowed me to see things differently then I did in the past. I am trusting that the LORD will get me through for this coming year .. and in my head and my heart I know He will.

As for mom she still yells, screams, and over reacts over the littlest things but unlike other years I refuse to be sucked in to it - making a fight out something that is so little and pathetic - it has taken 7 years but I see now that by not yelling back all she hears is herself and hopeful one day she will chill out and relax .. but who knows ....

With this I start to a new happier chapter of my life. I am sick of being mad and angry. I want to be happy again.. I want to be me again .

The Mind of a Small Person

*glare* Drama

To you it may suck -but to me it.s awesome...

Mountain Tops and Valleys ....

Pain is a good thing - it means your not dead yet

that was today -- tomorrow is a new day ....

theme???

.....

I just wish i could stop hearing the lies so clearly in my head ....

Easter - (the best time of year )

I want to escape - can someone show me how .....

God through music .... hmmmmm

It's almost been at a year......

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I don't get it -- can someone please explain ?

New Chapters ...

to much to ask...

Pain is my life - I wish you would get that .....

Love + Respect and Fear = Holiness

Part 2- "A crack in a Closed Door "

Yesterday's excitment ...

And yet life takes another turn.....

Annoyed...

.... This odd feeling inside...

Random thought

It is not going feel nice - but it has to be done....

God please take this pain away .....

What did I do ?

It Makes me wonder ....

blown away by the smallest things

"To love another person Is to see the face of God"

The soundtrack of my mind .....

Thoughts from Monday...

new experences and old ones come back again....

Break me to teach me....

"Who am I...?. "

Life in a "perfect" world...

I really hope crazy is not in my DNA

A simple way to look at things....

a new day ...

And still I am learning ....

If you Haven't already .. you really really should ....

hicups ....

Fathers.....

long time no post

So i am 24 now ..

Summer is here !

A scream for the internet to see .....

I am still here

week one of camp .. DONE !

Grad .... a joke ....

Next time you see me .....

Part 2 - the visa chronicles

How Does the Lord Speak to you? (part 1)

Big News

New beginning's -& Old Lessens Relearned

Wow so much to say -- So much to tell !

it has been a while - crazy start to 2008

end of 2007

One more Semester closer ......

I hate red wine....

Today my Brain went 'Pop'

Today I have a piain in my Heart....

One more thing...

.....

Post Post Post.....

Year 6 starts

So the Summer has come to and end ....

Last week count down ....

time....

There is a lot going on .. I really don't know what to think......

Starting anew ....

glare Drama